A Way to Stop, Drop, and Let Go

I suppose I should compose myself and start here with a thought that was intended for you. Then again, this is for you and only you.
I believe everything I write is for you and for me as well.
There is no one else in the world.
No one . . .

You know this, right?
Who else is there?
I see no one else, except for the distractions called, people, places and things.
Of course, there is always the past, which gets in the way of our future sometimes.
But that can be a thing of the past.
if we allow it to be.

What I love most about this dream is that I am different here.
I say dream but what I really mean is how I am here at this place.

I am the way I have always wanted to be. I am safe too.
I can be myself. I can say what I think and feel what I say.

Do you see this?
Do you see this right here?
This is me and all that I have.
Frightening, right?
Not that I am ugly or that this is scary.
But this is vulnerable and raw, which is exposing and uncomfortable to most.
But, fuck it!
What choice do I have?
I can fail to speak and risk nothing.
Or I can put it all on the line and risk everything.

So, let me start here.

I find myself lost in the casual nature of this beautiful scene.
Just glide, I tell myself.
Try to be cool.
No one else is around.
No one else is able to interrupt or intrude.
No one can clutter the moment with some kind of outside distraction.

Nothing can stop me now.
Not the rain. Not the hands of time. 
Nothing. 

I see myself lost in the configuration of something I have always dreamed about.
I have always wanted this.
This. Right here.
Me.
You.
Us.
I love how that sounds.

I have always wanted there to be an “us” or a “we” because this defines a special brand of togetherness.
Do you see?
This means that we cannot be shaken or broken.
There are no cracks or lines where fears can seep through.

I am so small in this world.
We all are. I am weak too.

I always wished that I was strong.
Or more so—
I’ve always wished that my hands were stronger.
This way, I can hold something like this or us and not have to worry that anything can slip through my fingers.

But my previous life was tricked by inaccuracies.
And me?
I was fooled by the idea that my flaws would lead to faultiness.
I swore that my faultiness would lead me to be exposed.
And my exposure would show me as less-than, or undeserving.
Therefore, I looked and hoped and wondered questions like, “Is this it?”
Or “Is this as good as it gets?”
Then I would allow the red flags or the warning signs to be forgiven, as if to be settled upon or negotiated for lesser terms than the worth of my dream becoming true.
I suppose I settled because I thought “something” is better than “nothing,” but nothing compares to a real dream when it comes true.
Anything else is just a substitute . . .

I see myself here and I realize something so beautiful, amazing, like the understanding and the realization that something so true or wholesome cannot slip away.

I have nothing to hide behind. I have no cover or shield to mask my flaws or guard me from your heart.
I have no angles or agenda. I have no intention, aside from the obvious which is to expose this and me to you.
This is me.
This is my truth.

I have lost enough to know that I do not want to lose anymore.
I just can’t.
But at the risk of losing again, I offer this because THIS is worth the risk.
This, right here.

I have lost way too much.
However, I have lost enough to understand that I cannot truly lose something that belongs to me.
I cannot lose my heart.
But I can offer it.
I cannot lose my love.
But I can share it.
This means I can be yours.
If you choose.
If not, then I can say that I gave this my all.

I cannot lose fate or destiny because, in my heart, I believe that “She” guides their hands.
When I refer to “Her” and “She,” I say this with a Holy attitude towards Her, as in She being the Almighty Mother and The Mother of All.

I say this to regard Mary the Mother of The Son, and Mother of God.
I say this with hands clasped in sacred thoughts, head bent softly downward in the humbleness of acceptance and prayer.
I say this because I see life as a combination of fate and destiny and intention.
This is my faith, surrendered.

I see this as the guidance and the beacon of hope. Thus, I have faith that the Almighty Mother is the organizer of the sands beside me, which funnel alongside, and accompany me through the hourglass of intention. (Namely you)
Therefore, I don’t have to see with my eyes.
I know with my heart.
However, I was misled by my lack of faith.
Or more, I was misguided by my lack of confidence that someone like me could be with someone like her and find true love.

I don’t have to grip or squeeze or fight to keep what is mine because nothing that is intended for me would go or slip away.

Nothing breaks, no one can see this or feel it.
But we can, or at least I can.
And yes, this is more than I thought.
This is more than I bargained for and sure, I can understand why you (or other people) say be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.
I don’t mind. Let me get it.
Let me have this.
That is, of course, if this is mine and then that would mean . . .
so are you.

I am looking up now at the stars, beautiful and light years away.
Yet, I realize that the starlight has always been there.
This is the same as the moonlight and same as the sunrise, and same as all of these things have been there, for all this time, you have been here too. 

You were on your own journey. 
You have been parallel and different and similar and separate from everyone else.
So have I, by the way.
No one in the world is more beautiful than you nor could they be.
At least not as far as I can see.
But this taps into your belief, or the lack thereof.
This part is not on me.

All I can do is convey and assure and confide and sit quietly, patiently, and lovingly — of course.

This is all amazing to me. 
Sometimes I am weary.
Sometimes I wonder if I can endure another setback.
Sometimes I wonder if I can muster the strength to take another step.
Sometimes, my fears trigger my lack of faith.
And then what?
My anxious thoughts turn inward and sour with bad expectation.
I wait for the next worst thing to happen.
But more to the point, I lose to a sad projection of an imaginary problem.
Hence, I used to grip too tightly.

But you?
This?
My heart?
I offer this to be different this time.
I offer this to the tides of the sea.
I offer this to the hands of our fate and destiny.
I offer myself without ego and without disguise.
I offer this at the risk of loss or failure.
But yes, I offer this, nonetheless.

The world moves.
Nothing stops and nothing will.
This has always been so, and this will always be true, even long after this or we have gone.
Life happens to us all.
Everybody knows this.
The hands of fate match the winds of destiny.
Do you understand?

This is the force that blows me towards you.
This is what happens when people meet or reconnect, no matter how many years went between them.
And no, there are no coincidence and accidental meetings.
This is none other than universal intention.
All of this was meant to be.
And so, I wait.

I have known you forever and in some ways, I have only just met you, and where I am is far away and I cannot touch you, which is unfair to me.

I see myself as I am, a traveler, a man on a journey and you?
You have always been a counterpart to this ongoing equation. 

You have always been the other side of me.
Or if I am only half, you are the other piece which compliments my life. And to me, this proves that I exist and that love is not a dream or some kind of fairytale.
I exist.

So do you.
So does love.
So does fate.
So does destiny.

Like the stars that shine or like the glimmer I see when looking in your eyes, I am mesmerized and swept away.
I am lucky.

I was lost for so long. I still find myself missing.
I am afraid that I will be alone or misplaced and that I will miss my window of opportunity.
But then I hear your voice in my head.
So beautiful and loving.
Yes, I am lost.

But being lost helped me find my way to where I am now, at the entryway, here with you.

I know . . .
I say too much.

But I’ve held my tongue before and said nothing. 
I have done this to find nothing else but unwanted outcomes.

I agree there are times when I need to lean forward.
There are times when I need to hold back or sit back and relax.
I have to let the sands funnel with me through the hourglass of intention.

There is no need to overthink or overcomplicate anything.
I don’t want to do that again,
not here.

Not now
Not with you

I just want to be pure here
and earn what comes my way.

Please . . .

I give it all up to you, My Blessed Mother.
I lover her.
or as this pertains:
I love you

gratefully ~