A Way to Stop, Drop, and Let Go

I am better now.
I fell before. And it was hard to get up.
I saw the world around me and looked at everyone with envy.
Sometimes, I looked around and saw people with contempt or disgust.

I questioned everything. I questioned myself.
I overthought and overanalyzed.
I picked apart the pieces of my so-called life.
I fell down. I cursed the sky.
I thought that this was me.
“Is it just me?”
If so . . .
Why?

It is not uncommon to have a bad day or a bad week or even a bad year.
People come back from worse.
People bounce back. (Or whatever that means.)
We do get better though. We can recover.
Sometimes, dreams evolve from the nightmares called our past.
I know I am told to believe.
Keep my chin up.
Think positive . . .
But this is not an easy thing to do in the presence of the fall.
I swear, there are times when a minute can seem like an eternity.
Life feels lonesome.
That is . . .
Until life shares itself in a whole new way.
And then you see . . .

I am not opposed to the ideas of purpose, and I am a proponent of the idea that there is a great light in this world. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I call this “YOU”.
There is an internal light too, which is brighter than the sun. This is the light that shines within us.
Not everyone can see this light. And this light might not be bright enough for us to see.
But wait.

Something amazing is about to happen.

I know this can be a tough pill to swallow. . .
but, there is hope.

I know there is.
I have learned that life does not always work with my schedule.
I understand that time unfolds in such a way.
I understand that there are heroes and there are angels in disguise.
There are beautiful things to see.
And this is true.

Look at me.
I am better now.
I can stand.
I am not so afraid.

I am certainly better than I was before.
But how?
What changed?
What happened?

Like you, or like anyone else, I had my share of hoping and pleading and thinking that dreaming is useless.

I asked for help.
I asked to feel better.
I asked please, just send me a sign.

I can’t say there were no signs.
I had plenty of signs.
I cannot say that my signs were not real.
No, they were real.
They were alive and well too.

My signs were blatant and obvious.
But I was resistant.
I was angry because I didn’t like the signs in front of me.
They were obvious and clear and true.
Still, I was looking for a different answer.

But answers are agnostic. They do not endorse or oppose our emotions.
Answers are answers. They have no opinion.
Thoughts are thoughts.
Feelings are feelings.
Life is life.

I am in a state of disbelief. I swore that I would never find my way out of this place.
Life is a maze. Or like the old saying goes. Life is a bitch. . .
Remember?
Life’s a bitch and then you die.
But that’s not true.

I say that we die far more than once.
I say that pieces of us die off throughout our life.
This is true.
We mourn this.

I say we live and we learn. We love and yes, we lose.
We lose big and I lose too.
I lose often. But what is loss?
What does it mean to lose?
Or better, what happens when we lose someone or something, only to understand that you can’t lose what you never had in the first place?
I understand the pain of awareness. I can relate to the hurt when it comes to finding our realization that something was fake or untrue.
I have been lied to. I’ve been hurt.
It would be a lie to say that I never lied or misled, coerced, or manipulated.
I am guilty too.
I am no better. I have no right to condemn or persecute anyone.
I am not a judge, and I am not fit to be part of the jury and decide who is right or who is wrong.

I expose this as obvious. I am simple, not to mention that I have flaws or shortcomings.
I have no right to point fingers or accuse.
Either way, I am guilty.
I am equally hurt and equally fooled.
I say this to humanize my truth, which is uncomfortable, at best.
But this is true, nonetheless.

I am better now.
I am awake and seeing things differently.
Or perhaps my perception has changed.
Or maybe my intention is different.
Or, maybe not.
Maybe nothing has changed, except the date, and maybe I am growing stronger.
Maybe the light you’ve shown me is enough to light my way.
Maybe what you shared with me is brighter than the light from the bridges that I have burned behind me.

Yes.
I think this is it.

Maybe the look in your eye is enough to help me see that my reflection is not what I assumed.
Maybe this is cosmic. Maybe this is destiny and destiny likes to smile too.
Maybe this is what happens when I let go and let myself be me — or maybe this is the warmth that comes when I open up to you and become vulnerable — and this is irreversible too. No different than the unmovable past, I look at you and feel unstoppable, just like the hands of time.

I have heard people say that I cannot find happiness in others. I have been told that I have to find this from within.
Maybe. Or maybe not.
I wonder if the people who’ve said this understand what it means to be “in love.”

Do they understand what it means to share a kiss and have this tremble in your spine?
Do they understand what it feels like to smell the essence of someone so beautiful and sweet that the smell from their skin can bring peace?
Do they know what it feels like to look at one person and feel a surge or purity, wholesome and feeding — yet there is a sweetness and a sad beauty which is enough to make a person weep.
And sure, I weep.
I weep for you and with you
There is an emotional overload, which I grant you is overwhelming. While love is beautiful, this can also be more frightening than the fear of heights or losing my wings and falling from the sky.

I see this as a perfect definition between two energies, which are anabolic and catabolic.
Anabolic is feeding and growing and nurturing or strengths.
This is what brings us life.
Catabolic is draining and degrading.
This is what kills us alive.

I am better now.
I do not want to die alive anymore.
I don’t want to waste my time and fight the sands in the hourglass anymore.

No one can stop the clock from moving.
No one can change what took place or recreate the past.

I am better now.
You have to understand that it is unlike me to sit calmly.
I have always had trouble sitting still. More accurately, I was always afraid to enjoy the moment because what happens if the moment ends poorly?
Then what?

I can see the look in your eye now.
You are not here with me and though it was long since I have seen you, I chose to memorize the details of your face.
I chose to remember how you look under the street lamps in the rain.  I chose to memorize the sound of raindrops hitting the leaves on the trees, nighttime, or just before bedtime, and I committed this to memory.
I did this so that I can think about this at times like now.
I am alone and far from your touch.
But I am not far from my memory.
I choose to remember the fantasy of how your skin appears in the bluish light of street lamps, sitting in a car at night and talking while the rain falls.

Ever make love in the rain?
Ever cancel the rest of the world and find yourself locked in a kiss and a warm embrace?
Of course, you have.
I know you have.

I think about the times people say how you can’t find happiness in someone else.
I don’t think they ever dared to feed a beautiful girl, bite by bite and playful as ever.

I don’t think the people who say you cannot find happiness in someone else can understand what it feels like to be in love.

Fate –
This is when you let go of the past so that you can enjoy the future.

You are not next to me.
For now.
But I am better now.
I am happy . . .

Because of you.