This one is not written for anyone else.
No, I suppose like anything else, this one is selfish and yes, this one is for me.
At the same time, this is all about you.
My love . . .
Everything I write to you is true. This is all from the heart and, of course, this is all real or at least as real as I can be. This does not mean that I am not dishonest.
I have done unthinkable things. Undefendable things.
But those are done and gone or dead and buried.
I understand that much of what I say is subjective. I understand that this is my version of life and that this is all seen from my perspective.
But so is life. This is my perspective.
And this is why I come here.
I understand there are different versions of you and these versions are not the same.
I am not the same as I was when I began this trip.
But who is?
I have a past. So do you.
I have been around different people; and more, I suppose I was a different person in those scenarios.
I do not claim to be new to this or that I have never felt before.
I am not the same as I was when I was younger. I am not the same as I was this time last year.
No, I have grown since then.
I have shrunk too.
I have turned around, slid backwards, and I have thought too much and acted too little.
I laugh though because there are times when I said too much.
These times are countless, I suppose.
I have my own troubles with the thought machine, which is also known as being stuck inside my head.
I know the details of overthinking and I know this all too well and all too intimately.
I can think my way into the wildest and most tragic failures.
I can assume the worst or wait for the next thing to go wrong.
I can fuck up my own dreams, which are very basic and simple.
I really have one dream.
Only one.
I want to be happy.
However, as simple as this is, I understand that this dream comes with infinite parts and different variables. Hence, it benefits me to realize that there are different paths and different patterns.
This does not have to be so rigid.
There are different ideas and different ways to achieve this dream.
I used to think that I had to be a certain way to be happy.
I was wrong.
Life had to be a certain way. Or so I thought.
Those blueprints were not the right ones for me.
With all my heart, I nod, and I acknowledge that I have been through different times and lied to people. At the time, I believed that where I was, was the right place for me.
I have to say this, again, I have to say this with all humility — I have no bad things to say nor do I have the need to shout insults or turn to slander.
I believe I am common in the sense that I have scars. I have uncomfortable and unwanted memories. And yes, I believe this has led to my biased thinking and trained assumptions.
I have betrayals in my life, and they exist on both sides of my fence.
I am not above the law nor do I have any right to claim innocence. Equally, I confess that I have been selfish and guilty of crimes of the heart.
I throw myself at the mercy of the court.
No one deserves to be hurt or betrayed. Not you.
Not me. Not the people I have harmed, or hurt, or lied to.
I confess this without the request for forgiveness or immunity. I confess because while I say this with regret, I say this to openly rid myself of the deceit that was either from or against me.
Having a need for the last word or having the desire to avenge something or someone has done nothing but drain me.
Resentments and matters of the past cause an unwanted bleeding into our future, shading our opinions into the red blood of something inaccurate.
You had nothing to do with my crimes or the pain from my previous days nor did I have anything to do with the harm that came your way.
But fear of the same and fear that the future will sink us back down to the ground.
There will be no liftoff.
This refuses me and assumes that the heavenliness I feel around you will vanish without warning.
And this is all too real to me.
I tell you that I am small.
I explain that I am weak.
However I am not too weak to say these things.
I am not too weak to say that this is me. And that I have weaknesses.
I have cracks and flaws that leave me frightened. I am far from a child, yet I do have a child within.
I have dreams and wants and needs and dreams that one day, I will see you standing across from me, at peace, together.
We are hand-in-hand, and marked by an undying and unbreakable affection.
I can wipe the slate clean. And so can you.
We can let go of the past or the unwanted details that left us scarred, hurt, or frightened enough to flinch because of the slightest panic or fear of touch.
I come here to reach you. I come here to meet with you every morning before I start my day. I have come to find peace, which is something I see in your eyes.
I may be crazy and I might be too much. I understand that I am intense.
I have always been this way. But I am consistent, and I am consistent with the way I see you.
You have evolved from different people and sure, I can say you have evolved from people in my past. I can say that you are not the same.
Thus, I mention that I am not the same as anyone who you knew before me.
I have come here to bring about change.
Or to be relatable –
Or to be understood-
Or heard –
or if anything, I come here to explain myself and to leave nothing unspoken or undone.
I know you have told me that I’ve said too much.
But I also know what happens when I leave things unsaid.
I don’t want to do that.
I don’t want to miss out on telling you about the things that matter or can benefit the both of us.
I often say that I know there is love out there for me. I say this as if it means that I do not have love or that no one has love for me.
Please . . .
Let me close the subject by explaining that I am not available to anyone else.
No one else can have what you have.
No one else can touch me like you do and no one else can hold my attention or have my thirst or my hunger and no one has ever held my desire like you do.
No one.
I understand what doubt means or that you doubt me feelings.
I call this out of my control.
I understand that the mind travels at the speed of light and carries a trillion ideas, and often, none of them are helpful.
Please . . .
Allow me to unarm myself and remove my shields.
Do you see this?
I am only a body. I am a man.
Or at least, this is what I claim to be.
I am aware too. I say this because the same as I see myself, I am intuitive which means that I can see you too.
I see your scars, which are invisible to the world, yet I understand that they hurt you.
Not just superficially, like a flesh wound or moderately, but these scars cut you deeply.
I understand.
I come to you, in peace, and unarmed.
I am wounded too.
Today is a good day to stop, drop, and let go of so many things.
I have come here every morning, just to find you.
I do my best to keep myself honest and true. At least here . . .
I say this because the outside world can be challenging sometimes.
I suppose I tell you these things because this is the safest place to be.
I tell you this because I can, because I care, and because I trust you.
See?
This here is my heart and these are my stories.
These are my scars, these are my bloodstains, and this is my victory because despite the falls and the pains of my past, I am here, right now.
I am telling you the one most special thing a man can say:
I love you.
I am going to marry you one day.
I know it.
I come here to tell you this. I come here because there are no voices of judgment, and no one is around to remind me that I was incapable of so many things.
I come here because no one can tell me that I am not enough.
There are no critics here.
No one can say an unkind word and there is no unwanted hands to touch us or unwanted people who love to come around and interrupt the feelings of happiness.
I come here because this is my best place to speak and tell my thoughts. I can do this without worrying that you or anyone else will see my unwanted features.
I am me.
This . . .
And the truth of the matter is I have been me for nearly 53 years.
September 20, 2025, makes my 53rd trip around the sun.
53 years . . .
I am closing in on the golden years, or so I am told.
I need to make this last.
I need to make this worthwhile.
But more, I need to offer me and my thoughts and this sentiment of love, which is out there now.
I am vulnerable now as this is sent into the atmosphere, and flying fast, moving through the universe to find its way to you.
Hopefully . . .
I have resigned from all of my old posts, which means I have let go of the unwanted people, places and things.
You deserve the best version of me,
of course you do.
Although, I understand you are not here, and I am not there.
But believe me—
You are with me, even in your absence.
And one day . . .
I promise, whether this will be in my dreams or before you.
You will see me bend on one knee.
Eyes welling upwards into yours, presenting my love in all its humility, meek and modest, with a symbolic ring that comes from my heart.
And I will ask you with everything I have.
Will you marry me?
Like I said, whether this is only a dream or reality . . .
I will keep this with me the same as I keep you with me.
Always~
You asked what makes you different?
Everything
The Written Addiction 