A Way to Stop, Drop, and Let Go.

What has to happen?
This is a great question.

What has to happen for us to be happy? What has to come first?
Do we need to see the world from a different perspective? Do we need to see another catastrophe before we decided to make ourselves a priority?
Or do we need something to start a flame, a fire, or at least a spark that starts the engines in our heart?
What has to happen for us to be happy?

I love these questions. I love the way they make me feel.
I love how they make me think about the contrast between the before and after.
That was before. This is what happened after.
I like this. I like this a lot.

I have nothing bad to say about my life before now. Then again what can I say?
Was I true to myself?
Were you?
I know there was happiness before. And there were good and amazing times that took place in our previous life.
Of course, there were.

The fact of the matter is we all know what we want.
We know what we want our life to be like, or how we want this to look and feel.
Everyone knows what they want.
Or maybe this is just me and I should remind myself that I do not have the right to speak for anyone else.
Okay. That’s fine.
So, then I pose this question to myself, out loud, and this is not posed to or for anyone else but me.

I have always known what I want.
However, there has always been a challenge to my belief system. I admit that I have acted “as if,” and that I tried and I hoped, with all of my heart.
I admit that I saw others and looked at them with envy.
I’ve walked into things, full force, and hoped with all of my heart, “Maybe this could be it!”

What did I learn?
I learned that I cannot force anything that does not fit or match.
I cannot force two dissimilar pieces together and hope that they fit.
I cannot deny the red flags or the warning signs.
No.
I have to adjust my sights now.
I need to see things clearly.

I remember the day when I started my career and I thought o myself, “I guess I’ll just do this until I figure out what I really want to do with my life.”
That was nearly 27 years ago.

Think about what happens to a life in 27 years.
Say, a child was born on the same day when I started my so-called career.

They went through their early stages. They learned to talk, crawl, and then they learned to walk.
They met new people and saw new things.
They went through school. They started out in grade school and then they moved up to middle school. Then it was to high school.
Maybe they learned about life.
Maybe they learned about love.
Or maybe they learned about exploration or what it means to have fun.

Maybe they had some good times and maybe they had bad ones.
But this is life.
Maybe that child grew and had some kind of unfortunate or accidental fallout.

Or maybe they had an asshole (or two) who came along, just to point out the flaws and burst this into a stream of fears and insecurities.
But hey, this is life, and these are the lessons that life creates.

I am nearly 30 years into my career. I cannot believe this. But it’s true.
I can see that is the span of time, a child was born, and perhaps that kid became a man.
Let’s say that kid evolved and went to college and landed a job that had nothing to do with their studies or the degree which they paid for.
I think about this as an analogy for comparison.

And too, that figurative person is someone who probably went through life saying things, like, “I guess I’ll just do this for now until I figure out what I want to do with my life.”

What a sad way to look at things.
I knew too many people in my department who said this, retired, and then died with an unfulfilled life.

This is sad. However, I can say that in my time as a working man, there are days when work has me frustrated.
I look around and find myself shifting through the chores without passion. I have bouts and days with no sense of enjoyment. I see this as life and labor. In this regard, I ask myself, where is my happiness here?
Where is my joy?
Is there a rule that says life has to be joyless?

If I am going to work hard, then I want my work to mean something the same as I want my life to mean something.

And yes, there are great days and there are laughs and, of course, there are achievements and compliments.
There have been connections that I have made on personal and professional levels. I appreciate these connections. I love some of the people I have met at work.
I really do. I consider them to be both dear and trusted friends.
I compliment them, this, and the life I’ve had.
But no.

This was not the right place for me. Something about this was off. While I look back and think about the times when I wanted more but failed to try, or when I think about the times when I realized that I was not happy or there was something more for me someplace else; I recognize that this is not an insult to my past or that my job is a bad one.
No, not at all.
There has always been something unfitting for me in my career.
I can say this about myself too.
I wanted more.
I wanted something else.
I wanted something better, yet I went in, full-force, gung-ho, and I acted as if.
I say that I acted “as if,” but I cannot say that I faked it.
No. If I felt something, I said.
If I liked something, then I liked it.
And if I said I love you, then I meant it.

But something is different about me now.
Something is different about my life.
Or maybe this is the introduction to a new existence. This is me being open to something that’s shown me that while life happened, and so did love too, everything before now is something that piled and created the platform, to which, this is where I plan my launch.

I apologize for my past. I apologize for the past mistakes and the connection to which I thought were real or “right.”
Yet, there was something off or unfitting.
I am sorry for this or who this hurt.
I am.
But this is not to say that I was truly fitting for anyone else either.
But this is not for me to say.

I have nothing bad to say about my past, nor can I say anything bad about the people who were in it.
Whether my past or the people in it have something bad to say about me is irrelevant.
That’s for them.
Not me.

I am not more or less imperfect than they are.
Everyone has their own dishonesties to deal with.
I was a cheat. And I was involved with cheaters so, black pot or black kettle, we are both guilty of the same things.
I am not here to argue with hypocrites, and I am not here to be hypocritical either.
No.
I see something now. I want something too.
However, if it is up to me to be happy and if it is up to me to make things happen, then I have to go and act now.

Yes, I agree that I am intense.
I agree that I move, and I jump all in.
My fork runs away with the spoon, so-to-speak
Yes, this is me. Absolutely.

I cannot walk and live in a constant precautionary state of mind or worry about the downfalls which happen all the time.
Yes, I have a past and I have feelings about this too.
I have no right to blame anyone else for my whereabouts and there is no way that I can justify my wrongs and make them right.
Just because things did not work out is not an insult to my career or the people and the relationships in my past.

I was trying to pull off this thing we call life.
It’s a trick. I know.
I wish no harm or sadness on anyone.
Even if someone wishes this on me, at least I can say that this is on them.
I can’t live with more degradation or shame or anger. I cannot allow another year to pass and be sad or unhappy or think about my life and believe it was a waste.

I can say this happens to others too.
How about you?
If you were to look back at the people, or the places, and the things that you held or clung to, simply because this was your life at the time; do you see loyalty to your dreams, or do you often shake your head and wonder why you stayed?
Do ask ever yourself, “What the hell was I thinking?”
I have.

But the truth is I know what I was thinking.
I wanted a life. I wanted what I envied.
I wanted to reach for the stars, but my arms were too short and I was afraid that my ability was too weak to reach for anything more.
I am no longer at an impasse.
I am no longer stuck.
I am not looking to decipher between who was right or wrong, or who hurt who first, and who made the first mistake or the last one.
All of this is gone.

I am here now.
I am waiting for the next chapter to open up. And I want this with all of my heart.
I want this with the same excitement that I had when I was a child and had a new bicycle.

I have always wanted to know what my golden age was going to look like.
Who will I be? Who will I retire with?
What will my life look like and who is going to walk with me on the beach to see the sun come up and go down.

I have years before my retirement happens.
But I have learned what happens when I fail to remember my future.
I have some time to build and create and fix what has broken.
I have to do this so that I can steady my platform and prepare for launch.

I know what I want, and I know who you are.
I know that you were with me in more ways than one as I knelt before the statue of Mary, as in Holy Mary, The Mother of God in that little place called Our Lady of Miraculous Medal, Catholic Church.
I love this place now.
I love it too because this is just outside the beach area in Point Lookout.
I knelt here and I clasped my fingers, bowed my head in the humbleness of prayer and asked, “Please, help me. “
Please let this come to me.
Let this be real.
Let me be me and let this happen.
I want this the same as I want my soul to be cleansed of all that nearly killed me.

I asked this because I have lived a life and looked back, thinking how I wanted more, but I was too afraid to reach or strive. I lacked the belief or the package of life that was presented to me.

Other people had to suffer for this.
I had to suffer too.

But I don’t want to suffer anymore.
I don’t want anyone else to suffer either.
Not now.
Not with you.

I don’t want to look back anymore.
I am who I am.
Flaws and imperfections, yet I know that this is not what I need to focus on.

I know this more now than ever before.
I know that I am going to marry you
(one day).
When I walk with you during the sunrise to notice the sky, I am going to realize that everything happened for a reason and there is a reason why everything happened.

I can live in my own shadows
or I can look for the light and live for the light and prosper.
This is the choice.
I can make this simple to.
I can stop, drop, and let go.

What had to happen?
I suppose I had to hurt enough or realize that being untrue to me caused me to be untrue to others as well.
I cannot live in the past or beat myself up anymore.

What happened?
I went to the beach at Point Lookout.
I said goodbye to my past because I saw you there, like I do in my dreams, and I thought to myself “yes! This is my future.”

That’s what happened.

I love you.
No matter how far you are away from me right now, I know that you are never going to be far away from me again.

I promise.