A Way to Stop, Drop, and Let Go

I suppose my wish for you is the same wish that I have for myself.
This is more than anything to me.
At the same time, this is more than anything I have ever experienced before.
Sure, I am new to this. I am new to you.
I am new to the world on a daily basis.
But this is more and this is far braver of an attempt that I have ever made before.

Let me speak with you now.
Let us talk, just the two of us. Okay?
Let’s cancel out the noise and all the interruptions that take place.
This is more than a request to stop, drop, and let go.
No, I think this entry will go beyond this,
at least I hope so.

They say there are steps to change.
The first step is precontemplation.
This is before our realization that we need to change.
But then we find ourselves in contemplation mode, which is the second stage.

This means we are starting to realize that a change has to happen.
This is when we start to think or say this out loud, “I just can’t live like this anymore!”

I suppose this is what people mean when they say, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
Maybe this comes when we are tired of being sad or tired of living a life that is either subpar or unfulfilling.
Or maybe this is what happens when we run out of excuses.
Do you understand?
We can’t rationalize the lies anymore.
We can’t justify or rationalize our life anymore.
And yes, I can relate to this.

I can relate to living the wrong life or being in the wrong circles of influence.
I can relate to settling or allowing myself to accept a trade.
This is a bitch to admit!
I can relate to the thoughts that I settled for something that was either less than my dreams or less than my worth. But I tried anyway.

I can relate to the feeling of being less than mediocre or looking at the life I had and realizing the difference between what I had and what I wanted.

What I say now is not intended to be an insult to anyone else.
This is not an attack on anyone’s character nor is this intended to be hurtful.
I have nothing bad to say about anyone in my past. I have good memories, and I had great times.
I felt great things. Yet, there was always something off or amiss.
I say this because this was me. Not anyone else.
This is not to degrade anyone’s beauty or kindness.
I was unworthy of them. I say this to add kindness to the sting of my truths.

If anything, this is to accentuate that I have had a life and that yes, so have you.
I am not a virgin, or least of all new to intimate life.
Neither are you.
However, and more to this point, there is a chemistry and a science to us all. In fairness, I would like to allow myself to fit between the lines of accountability, This means I want to take ownership of my faults, flaws, and my personal inabilities.
I take full ownership of my chemistry at the time of my past attempts and failures.

No, I have no right to blame anyone.
All I can say is there came a time when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I used to hide or turn inward or allow my depression the weight of existence.
I was tired of the stress and the anxious loneliness.
I was tired of the absence of my true self or how I wanted to be.
I was alone. In pain.
And I was tired.

I found myself beyond the sights of pre contemplation. Understand?
This is when I realized that I was in the second stages of change.
This was me in my contemplation stage.

Next, we have to talk about the next stage.
This is preparation and determination.
One cannot exist without the other.

Okay, so we say things like, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired,” right?
And this is fine to say. No, really.
This is great.
But what are we willing to do?

Are we willing to go above and beyond?
Are we willing to abandon our old self?
Or more, are we willing to do whatever it takes?
These are great questions to ask because if not, then why bother?

I have love for everyone who has had a station in my life. I have love for everyone that I said, “I love you,” to and I have no need to retaliate or slander anyone. No, I would rather find my ownership and keep moving.

I am me.
Since this is true, then I take my ownness and accept my part in the machine that went wrong or spun out of control. And I’m good at this.
Spinning out of control, I mean.

But let me get back to you.
Or let me get back to us.

I can look at you for hours.
No.
Wait.
I can look at you for days.
If all goes the way I wish, I can look at you until the final day, or the hour, or the exact moment when I escape my flesh.
Beauty is not a problem here.
Not in the slightest.

The question is what am I willing to do to make this happen?
How am I going to make the changes to feed my chemistry in a better way?
How am I going to keep me healthy, to fend of my old and internal demons, and the bottom line is what am I prepared to do?
What will I do when the sky opens for business at sunrise?
How am I going to be at my best, even if I feel at my worst?
This is me at my determination stage.

But wait . . .
What does it mean to know, and what does it mean to be prepared?
What happens if there is no action that takes place?

Action.
This is what’s next.
There’s no more talking about improvement.
There’s no more procrastination.
No.
The time for talk is done.

I have to act.
I have to achieve.
Next, I have to maintain my changes.
Otherwise, I run the risk of relapse and losing everything I’ve worked for (again).

I say this to you with all of my heart because I say this to tell on me.
I expose my past dishonesties so they can never hurt me (or anyone else) again.
I say this to you so that I can be held accountable.
Please.
This is the way commitment works, and if you love me then you will see me.
If you see me, you will be free to call me out when I fade or find myself heading backwards.
Okay?

I cannot be as I was. I cannot forfeit at the sight of fear.
I cannot surrender my ground or retreat ever again.
I need to be the way I choose.
Otherwise, no dreams can ever come true.

Nothing happens unless we replace thoughts with action.
This is the way I have to stop, drop, and let go of all my unwantedness.
This is how we can be free from the bondage of our past.
“Freedom from the bondage of self.”
I love that line.

I have my own sense of craziness. I have my own past and thoughts and fears which I contend with. I have insecurities and memories that degrade me. I struggle and, at times, I suffer from demons and the unseeable scars that are left behind. These are details that have been imprinted by past cruelties and trauma.

What does this mean?
I ask you this now.
I say this to you with all that I have.

What does it mean to be confused by truths that we wished were lies?
If anything, how amazing would it be to unlearn or unknow something?
How incredible to be rid of things, no?
How would it be if we got rid of things, like old facts, or what would this look like if we were released from the feelings we had about old fights that we never resolved?
Could you imagine?
How amazing would it be to hit rewind or erase, and just like that, the unwanted would be gone and unthought of.
This would be like a story that never happened.
You know?

I often wonder how I could un-paint a picture or undo the knots that have tied me up and held me back. Or more, I imagine my relief if the burdens from before were gone, as if to vanish into the atmosphere and vaporize, never to be heard from again.

I wish this for me.
But more, if there were a button and I say this with all I can muster, if there were a button, I would push this for you — even if this meant that you would forget about me . . . I’d still push the button.
Understand?

The hours and the days are moving.
This moment is far more valuable than we think.
We can do anything we choose.
We can do nothing.

We can sit and be commonplace. Or we can enjoy the typical stream of average life. We can enjoy our mediocrity with our boring lives and seek shelter in the settlement of a safer life, which is less desired.
No thrill. No rush
No drive or adrenaline.
No ups or downs.
No love to pump the blood and no “G” rated sex-life that is unfulfilling and milky at best.
Nothing . . .
Just a constant state of flat existence.

We can do this.
Or we can replace thoughts with action.
We can take a chance
We can take a stab at this so-called crazy life and find ourselves happy in the wild abandonment of our past.

We can flush the toilet, so-to-speak, and let it all go down the drain.

I know I cannot erase what has happened.
But I can love more wild or dangerous than the wrath from St. Michael when he cast out the devil, himself.
I can love, and I can wait, and I can be gentle and delicate, patient as ever, like the hand of Her most gracious touch — as if to plea the following: Holy Mary, Mother of God. Pray for (me) this sinner. Now and at the hour of my death, Amen!

I can be good.
Sweet.
Loving.
And more.

I am here when you are ready . . .

Say goodbye to what was to welcome what is.
That’s the plan for today.