A Way to Stop, Drop, and Let Go

It is Friday morning.

I know there has to be more.
There has to be more than “just” this.

I know there has to be more than the early morning coffee and the trips to the bathroom. I know there has to be more than cell phone technology. There has to be more to life than early morning meetings, which are useless on most days.

There’s more to life than emails about emails. There has to be more to life than work.
(At least I hope so.)

There has to be more to life than the apps on our phones. And there’s got to be more to life than scrolling through social media or watching mindless videos.
There has to be more than algorithms and trends.
There has to be more than this.

There has to be more to life than our imagination of different scenarios. There’s got to be more to us than the thoughts that flood our brain with anxiety.
There has to be more than the bullshit fights between us as people. There’s more to life than resentments.
There has to be more than bad memories or bad feelings, at least I hope so.
There’s more to this place than the shit we see on the news.
There’s more than hate.
There’s more to life than unwanted and unresolved tensions, which become our energy as we relive old conversations and consider the things we “wished” we should have said.
There’s more to life than wasting time by thinking about “after-the-fact” ideas about what we could have said. But no, we said what we said.
We did what we did.
There has to be something more to life than living in the constant struggle of our mental regressions. There has to be more than thinking about our regrets and wishing we could go back and unsay or undo something.

What is life anyway?
What are these things that we hold so tightly? And why do we do this?
What are these scenarios that we play in our thoughts?
And why do we play them when they do nothing but hurt our own feelings?

Why?
Why do we fight with the people we love and care about?
Why do we sabotage relationships?
Why do we waste energy on people who do not belong in our lives?
Why don’t we walk away when we know that we should?
Why do people love someone and live with someone else?
Why argue?
Why fight?
Why be bitter?
We know this is wasteful, yet we keep the hurt between us alive and well.
We keep our hurtful assumptions alive and well-fed.
There has to be more to life than this.

There has to be more than the hurt I’ve caused.
There has to be more than the pain I have received.
There also has to be more than our rationalizations and our justifications and we can’t say things like, “Well, you hurt me first!” like we did when we were in the fifth grade.

There has to be more to life than hating someone or looking to get even — especially when there is no getting even. There never is because feeling like I need to get even gives a person far too much strength and power over me.

There has to be more than “just” this.

There has to be more to life than financial worries. There has to be more than keeping up the pace, or living in the rat race and there has to be more to life than the saying how “the grass is always greener on the other side.”
There has to be more to life than the idea that something is missing or that we are lacking.

There has to be more to life than bad relationships or poor choices.
I know this because I’ve made them all.
There’s more to life than thinking about love or how someone didn’t love you enough or love you the right way — that is, if there is such a thing.

Life is built with intention. Life is built by living.
Not regretting.
Life is built by moving forward.
Life cannot be lived in the rearview mirror.

A good life cannot be achieved by holding the weight of what happened or holding on to ideas like, “I’m too fat,” or thinking, “I’m not enough.”
How can I ever be happy if I believe or think that I am ugly or unwanted or unlovable?

No one can run away from who we are.
I cannot run from what I’ve done or who I’ve failed.
I cannot unsay anything I have said in haste nor can I run from the harshness that yes, it’s true to say that I have done wrong.
I have self-destructed. I’ve imploded.
I’ve burned bridges and the fires from this were not right enough to light my way.

I was alone for way too long.
I was hurt for what seemed to be an eternity.
Yes, I was hurt. I hurt others too.
I’m sorry.
I passed the torch, so-to-speak.
I owe apologies, which I send from here to the universe.
I apologize this way because, often, the best apology is to leave someone alone.

But wait.
There has to be more than this.

There has to be more than our bad timing or connections that came on like a flame and fizzled out to nothing. There has to be more than breakups which resulted like the sad destruction of some war-torn country — and there it was, the remnants of emotional destruction. The bomb blew up like the kind that makes the whole world cry.
Like the destruction of war, or like the videos I recall of what took place in World War II, (which was not the war to end all wars) I see the waste in all that happened.
No fight is the fight that ends all fights. I know this because we kept fighting.
We still do.
We keep arguing and we keep reliving what was said and wishing that we walked away before we had feelings like this. I get it.

I have nothing bad to say about anyone.
I own my mistakes.
I own how I spiraled out of control.
I own my losses.
I own my lies. I own what I have done.

But there has to be more to life than this.
I lost enough.
So have you.
But there’s more.
There has to be more than this.
I know there is.

There is more than our past.
There is more to our future than what we endured.
I know this.
I know that certain things can never fall back into place.
Some things are never going to mend or heal like we wished they could.
The life we has was not meant to be.
So, then what is meant to be?

I believed lies and so did you.
But those are all exposed now.
It’s over.
So am I.
So are you.

And so, the only question is what’s more?
What’s more of the same going to do for us?
What’s fighting going to solve?
What’s arguing who has the biggest scar going to do?

I have regrets about what I said.
I regret what I did.
But life is not built on regret.
No.
Life is built on moving forward.

That’s all this is about — how do we move forward?
How do we find out what life is about?
If life is more, then how do we make life more fulfilling?

I came here to kill my inner narcissist.
I came here to kill my sins.
And yes, I come here every day so that I can be at least a little better than I was the day before.

There’s more to life than an apology.
There’s more to life than looking back.
And then there’s you and me,
or you and I . . .

It is morning now, as always.
I am here and so are you.
I know there’s more than one reason for this.
I know it in my heart.
And so do you.

Good morning, Friday.
Let’s see what you have in store for me.