And Then What?

What is it now?
What’s next?
What do I do?

All three are great questions.
But –
All three questions have often had
one common answer.
And that answer is this:
I don’t know.

I think this journal will serve me best
if I don’t think too much.
No, I will just write without over-thinking
and let my words fall as they may.

Like chips, right?
Let the chips fall where they may –
So-to-speak.

It seems that we are here now
or, at least I am.

You are elsewhere, of course,
and the dialogue between us
has changed like the tides
from an outgoing
to an incoming sea.

Two children.
That’s all we are
only, time has taught us
and age has robbed us
and although we have grown
quite considerably, it seems as if
we have been misled
or maybe we are just two crazy kids
who survived the worst-case scenario
of mistaken identities.

It is nothing different from say,
yesterday
or last Tuesday,
or any other day on earth
for that matter.

We are all moving
even if it seems like we are still
or stuck on someone 
or something
which holds us back
or prevents us from moving forward.

I, me, mine
you and yours.
These are five different variations of life
all of which have been tricked
or fooled and all of these
have been altered
by an influence of circumstance,
otherwise known as perception,
which is not true to life
but only true to us.

Ah, yes . . .
I know all about perception.
I know this all too well
as if this were alive,
like a person, place or thing.

The deception of my perception
is an old friend of mine.
We know each other well,
which is why I call him me.

We keep tabs on each other
and we often have lunch,
but we seldom enjoy the meal
or each other’s company.

I say this has all been one hell of a ride.

And sure,
the ride has taken me back
to where I began;
to see my early thoughts,
and to see how, when
or if I have evolved, which may
or may not be a good thing.
I don’t know and, to be honest,
I believe the jury is still out
on this one.

What now?
What’s next?
Who will I be now
if I can no longer be attached
to who I was?

Here is my vision:
I am moving across the country
leaning my head on the window of a train
moving across an unknown side of the world
which I have never seen or heard of —
but I have dreamed of me here,
free, untouchable,
impenetrable, distant
and moving fast and far away
from the aches behind me.

I am looking at the purity of land
unmolested by man
and built by God
or perhaps I should say
built by the powers that be.

I don’t know.
I am unsure which way to go.

Should I stay?
Should I try again?
Should I hope that you feel me
or receive me,
or want me the same as I want you?

Should I dare it all?
Should I bet heavy?

Yes, I should.
I think so too.
So, I will.
I will play this hand
like I choose to,
as if to say, “I’m all in,”
and I will bet everything I have
on you . . .
down to the last cent.

Should I hope?
I suppose I should.
I should hope because hope is a great thing to have
(sometimes).

So, what I will do now
is hope; and I will hope
the same as I have wished
and pleaded
and prayed to be wanted,
or needed and be
taken in and accepted
by someone like you.

I do not need the balcony seats anymore.
Not because I do not enjoy them
or to say that I do not like nice things.
Of course, I like nice things.

But first, let us define two words:
Nice things

Nice things can happen anywhere.
I am sure of this.
Nice things can be seen
from the cheap seats
or proven
when sharing a meal
say, outside, on the street
or feeding each other French fries
or something simple as that.

The past has come to pass.
I see this all too often
usually this is after an aftermath
as it wakes me up from what happened
and asks me,
“What the hell were you thinking?”

But I often answer this the same way . . .
. . . I don’t know.
Who said I was thinking?
Maybe I was just feeling
or AKA: Responding

So now,
I go off to experience this new thing
which is life from the eyes of a new position,
and love which I will enjoy
from a new perspective.

I suppose I am thankful for the hour
and the day because I have realized the following:
Defy the deception
and my perception
will improve.

So –
I will improve.

But how?
What do I do now?
When and where do I start?|
Or maybe this is more simple than I think

I suppose the stack of unpaid parking tickets
and the bills to the right of me
is a good place to begin.

But then what?
What do I do next?
Who am I going to be, or
who will I be and what will I look
like this time next year?

I don’t know.
But I know that I am bound to find out.
Eventually ~

.