And Then What?

When I started . . . 

I began to wonder about the sound of thunder
or I found myself lost in the curiosity
of how long it would take for the storm to arrive.

 When I began to learn,
 I swore that perhaps I had forgotten
 what it means to feel, or if I dared to feel,
I suppose I forgot the last time
or when it was,
the last time I felt loved
or believed, as in
lovingly.

When I started,
like always
I began with this trip with the best of intentions
and so, intentionally,
I decided to try my luck
and then I decided to try harder
and I decided to try, despite myself
and then I tried even if my lips defied
my better intentions.
But hey, at least I can say that I tried
right?

To be clear,
I never intended to set out to like this
or to have things be this way, 
I never thought that this would be me
as if to be lost in some quasi existence
barely breathing or dying alive
or dying for something
which was otherwise elusive to the touch
or evasive to my soul.

I never saw this coming,
and by this, I mean you
or the motions of love
or life as it is
when life goes on
unintended.

But then again,
men do men what men do
and especially when we do what we do,
we try to hide and cover our tracks
or we make excuses
or more,
we rationalize the lies or plea to the deals
of some unjust court system — but hey,
all is fair in love and war.
Right?
Even if the wars are loveless
or the attempts to love were only lifeless,
all bets are off when it comes to love
and the loneliness of our love
when it’s abandoned.

I am not innocent,
nor am I a victim,
nor am I fit to judge
or be judged by anyone else,
nor do I have the right to persecute
nor execute a sentence
to which I know that I am both equally
and ongoingly guilty, because
I am guilty, the same as you
and same as the countless others we meet
here in our search for life.

I come without weapons
and I sit here without accusations.
I have no need to shift the blame
or hold me unaccountable
for the harm that I have caused.

When I started,
I wondered about my distance
from the sound of the storm.
I wondered how long it would take
before the storm caught up with me
and the lightning came to strike me down.

And so,
I sought shelter.

Yes, I did
and yes, I confirm my selfish need
to which
I assumed that perhaps I could try
or find me in different places
with different people,
and I assumed I could drown myself
in the different scenarios, or
I could fake it until you make it,
that is, of course, if you don’t mind
the saying, and if you do,
then please excuse the cliché
and if you will,
excuse me from this point onward.

But yes.
I am sorry.
I am sorry for how I am
and I am sorry for how I was;
however, I am not sorry for this
or what I am about to say to you now.

I am here to be unapologetic
and honest.

Did I try to love before?
Yes.
I did.

I wanted to try
or if anything,
I wanted to believe or if anything else,
I wanted to stand proudly,
as if to say yes, finally
and I could concur that
I felt the excitement.
And I did . . .
or so I thought.

I felt the thrill.
I felt the feelings as if
maybe I could do this,
or maybe “this is it”
this time
and maybe love would come my way
but next, I learned that
feelings are often misleading
and that feelings can be fleeting.
I found out . . .
. . .and so did others.

The fights were mounting,
my fears were compiling
and life was changing
right before my eyes.

When I began . . .
 I ran from this
 and thus, I ran from myself as well,
 and from others too
hiding away, or shutting down
and, of course, I hid my truths.
I had to . . .
I had to hide my truths
because how else could I allow my lies to protect me.

I am no better
I am no worse
I am wild and crazy and hurting
and eager, loving and hopeful,
yet, I am frightened and fearful
that perhaps you will see me as I am – and then what?
You will note me as less-than
or disregard me as weak and small
or unwanted and ugly –
and then, I will be back to where I was before
again.
Thus, I will be as I was
always comparing myself
to others who stood before me
and wondering about my distance
from the upcoming storm.
I say this as if the storm
is meant to be a figurative symbol
or a sign of when my rejection comes from
and then
I am back to where I was in the first place
again.

When I began
I swear,
I came here with the best of intentions
because more than anything.
I intentionally wanted to change.
I wanted more. I wanted life.
And I wanted this, you, the world
and the moon on a string.

However, the elusiveness and evasive features
of life and love were enough to leave me foolish –
and therefore, I am unsure if this was a case
of me being a leopard with unchanging spots
or, if not,
then perhaps this was more
that I had yet to defy myself
and be honest about me being me
or honest about me being afraid
that I will never achieve
or be the “me” of my dreams —

Do you understand?

Therefore,
I confess. 

I confess that
I have regressed and slid backwards
countless times
with hopes that maybe someday
I could find the strength to pull me forward.
Only, I slid backwards
and fell further from my mark.

I confess that I misused my assets
and assumed that I could buy some time,
but no. The fact remains that time runs out
and days go by —
consecutively

What’s next?
What’s this thing I feel?
Is this empathy?
Is this remorse?
Is this the wherewithal that tells me
how living unjustly
is equally as bad as living without worth
and hence,
I have worked with being worthless before –
But now . . .

I want more than before.
I want more than the definition
of what it means to define
the assumptions that take place
during an honest exploration of self.

And sure,
I have self-explored
and yes,
I can see how my life was selfish
or self-absorbed, or how I acted like an opportunist
and sought through different opportunities
to find my place.
If I am to confess myself
then I have to confess my sins
honestly and truly; therefore
as of this moment,
effective immediately
I remove myself from the human cesspools
and the bullshit hierarchy of your common
and basic status junkies.
I have canceled my subscription to the weekly journals
from the gossip mills
and I have chosen to seek asylum from opportunists
who take what they can
and leave the rest.

I resign my post and evacuate my position
because today, in your hearing
I am here to confess that
I was less of a man
and less of a person
and now that I am more interested
in finding my way to the Promise Land,
I promise you this —

I have no more room to lose anything else
which is why I offer this to you.
I am here
to take, or to have and to hold
for rich or for poor
in sickness and in good health.

I know what my life was like without you
or me, or us
or “we.”
And now,
or now that I have you
or now that I have the chance to tell you,
I am here to tell you that so long as there
is breath in my lungs,
I will never leave you
or let go
or let another moment pass
or a night go without kissing you
or saying the three most important words
in the world –

which are: I love you.
And I always will.

No matter what happens to me now
no matter what hills I have to climb
my heart and my life
and my love is yours
That is,
If you will have me
of course —