And Then What?

And so?
What do we do with this?
Where do we go from here?
and, oh, I see . . .

Now that my world has changed,
I suppose it is up to me
to change as well,
or at minimum,
I suppose I will have to act accordingly
and though it’s me who seems confused
it is me who needs to move
and head beyond where I am now,
as in up and above.

 
Above all,
I have to realize, whenever possible
that I have the right
to do either one of two things.

I can sit and resist
and deny what’s happened
or, I can accept what “is”
and let what happened
become what was.

I an save m face
or I can save my ass
but either way
I cannot save both at the same time.
So,
let me begin by saying
that I don’t have much face
nor do I have much of an ass left.

So, either way
it doesn’t matter.

It is early, as usual.
I will be citybound in a few.
I will start above ground
and then I will go below ground
and tunnel through the train
and subway system.

This has been me for decades.
I have been here, in one way
or another.
I always quote Jim
as in the great poet, Jim Carroll when he wrote,
“Ah, the City is on my side.”
And to be clear,
I don’t know if the City is on my side
or not.

I often wonder if this is all a dream
or not.
Is this real?
Am I real?
Is this just another trick?
Or is this some kind of porthole, and somehow,
you and I are going to wake up
and be on the other side of this
and remark, “Holy shit! What a ride that was,”
Right?

I have emotion.
I have feelings.
I have seen things that range
from good to bad
and from unfortunate to beneficial.

I say that perhaps this trip is simple
or better yet, I can see how life
takes place the way it does.

Life is eventual and inevitable
and at some point,
we are going to pull a trick
and find out why fate caused us
to take the long way home.

I close my eyes and see this—
me, dreaming, and me
opening my eyes to see my dreams
come true.
However, life and even destiny
are subject to change.

So am I
and so are you.

I, as directed by some form
of direction,
have come to stand where I am now
and I find myself here,
more often than once
and with each moment;
I realize that my lessons are changing
and therefore,
I am changing as well, —or growing, as in
evolving, but hey,
at least I am not backsliding
or being like I was
because I  was someone else,
not too long ago.

So were you
by the way.

I was not the one for you,
this time last year, and maybe now
or maybe the time is right
or perhaps the miles beneath my wheels
has shown me a thing or two about understanding
or at minimum, hindsight
and the pain
has come to teach me about
appreciation for the human touch.

Maybe I was never ready before
or maybe before was not ready for me.
I like that way of thinking.
Maybe I needed to grow
or heal or learn from the ideas
which only served to keep me sick.

Maybe . . .

I am aboard now
as in all-aboard
and crazy or not,
I am not ready,
nor willing
to call off my quest for something, like, say,
the way your body feels
when you lay close
and let me hold you.

I understand all about my internal ugliness
and yes, I know all about my past
or what it was like to be who I was.
I know me personally, and so,
let me be the first to introduce us
to the new me
or hopefully
let me say hello to the new “us”

I suppose decades of loneliness
can change the way
you and I experience touch;
and yes, there is much to be said
about the touchless existence
of loveless safeties.
There is a lot behind our lonesome quietness.

But now, all I can say is
Fire away—

Like the song says
Take your best shot
show me what you’ve got

I’m not afraid

at least
not anymore
and I say this
because in the absence
of love and touch,
I have touched upon one truth.

I have always said
I know that somewhere,
there is love out there for me.

I say this often
but often,
I say this in your absence
because I know
wherever you are,
my heart is held in your hands
and my hope is kept in your soul

And so long
as I live and breathe
no one in this world
can prove me wrong
about you.

My love
My soul
My hope
And my peace.

Good morning my love.
Don’t be afraid that the summer is ending.
I have something kept inside of me
that is made to keep you warm

always