1)
And so?
What now?
What becomes of something
that went wrong
or what happens next
to a life that went south
or what do we do
when all goes sideways?
I can say yes, lesson learned.
I can say yes,
if you want to keep a secret
then don’t tell anyone.
And yes
you can rest assured
that yesterday’s confidence
can be on the cover
of tomorrow’s newspaper.
Front page . . .
And so?
Now what?
It is very clear to me now
that nothing strong can built
on a bed of lies, —and yes,
I lied and no,
I was not the only one
nor am I alone, nor do I (or you)
have the right to declare
some kind of righteous spot
in this world
as if to claim innocence
when deep down, we all know
about what we’ve done
or how we’ve been guilty.
However, my side of the street
is my side of the street; therefore,
I, me, you, and this life of ours
or the webs we wove are not the same
nor parallel, but
the days are long, and the nights are dark
and I must say;
the lonesomeness in crowds
can defy our best interests
and lead us to our worst mistakes.
or, at least,
I think so.
I, me, my,
this, that, and the nights which I look back upon,
and I think about the rampant deceptions
or I think about the way people lie
or look for excuses to soften their lies.
I have seen this
in me
and in others
I have seen how people find a crutch to justify
their acts, which of course
we know the difference between right ad wrong
and we know about the things we do
that we knew are (or were)
clearly wrong . . .
but yet,
we pardoned our sins
as if we could do this
without true sorrow
or regret.
I see how people hold themselves as justly
when meanwhile,
their lies are no different . . .
but hey, the have their reasons,
right?
They’ve rationalized their ways
to find satisfaction
or in other words
they found a way to stay in
their glass house and throw stones
without noticing the draft
or their broken windows.
I see how people look to find
something to separate themselves
from a life they lacked the courage to leave.
I see how people chose a extension
or cheated, or lied, when
instead, they went this way
rather than be honest
or take the chance to stand on their own
And I laugh. No, wait.
I shake my head at the accusations
and think, out loud
“Are they so honest?”
Are they so different?
I say this because yes,
I tell on myself here and now.
I fix my grin
because although I have not said
nor broken trust, I wonder why
or how their lies, and their betrayals
(and let’s not leave out their affairs) a
re okay, but yet,
theirs is the higher
or the holier ground than mine.
I realize that I was more offended by this
when I was the one who was hurt
and yes, the last two years
have been dreadful
on good days, to say the least.
I never want to be where I was
or how I was
and I never want to be hurt
nor do I want to be hurtful
or as selfish as I was
ever again.
Nothing strong can stand the beds of dishonesty.
So, let me be honest here.
I cannot be as I was nor live as I did
or be anything more than the shadows
of some untrue existence.
I cannot be better than this
so long as I allow this to lurk behind me.
So, let me leave this behind me
and let time move me from where I was
to where I hope to be soon
What about love?
What about the true meaning of love
or the word “love” itself?
What about the sanctity
or the vulnerability of truth?
What about the bravery it takes
to be so true?
and think about this. . .
. . . think about love
think about how love is supposed to be
so unmoving or unwavering
and as love grows,
what about the steadiness it takes
to hold the word as truthful
as gospel –
Assume love is as sacred as say
when we hear: This is The Word of The Lord,
(Thanks be to God)
and what about the desire?
What about the feeling
of, say
the way it is to be looked at by someone
or seen through the eyes of such beauty?
if this is real
then I have to be just as real
or as honest to have someone look at me
truly and deeply enough
that nothing else hurts,
and nothing else could be wrong,
no one else could intrude
and no one could ever take this love from me.
Or what about how beautiful it is
to be with someone,
and despite the intrusions of the world
no one could step in
and what about the amazingness
that no one else in the world
can do this
and what about feelin of
how no one else
can take this away?
Do I want this?
yes.
I want this.
I want this more than I want
some of the old fashions
or outfits
to come back into style.
I want this more than anything
But this means
I, me, and myself
have to clean up our side of the street
I was called miserable . . .
And to be fair
I was called worse
by someone who is no more
or less guilty
or innocent than me.
But that’s okay.
That’s fine.
The truth is still truth
no matter who says it.
I realize the truth hurts
and so, yes . . .
I was miserable.
But so . . .
What now?
2)
Strip the day from what it is
and remove the layers
of your unwanted life
Let the day be sufficient for itself.
Let me be me.
Let them be them.
She can be her.
I can be him.
We can be us
or we can cease to exist
and be nothing at all
which is fine.
I mean—
think of it this way;
the world around us
can only exist
as much as we believe in its existence.
Therefore
be mindful of what we invest in.
The same can be said about the past
or the past life
or the wrong relationships
or the fact that something was simply
about us, me, or you
was “not good enough”
and so rather than submerge
or be enraged,
just go . . .
Put it in the wind.
Remove yourself
or take the phone off the hook
so-to-speak.
Play some music
cook something to eat.
quit the blame
stop the fights in your mind
and refuse to engage
with the internal dialogue.
Trust me.
This is a great thing to do.
Remember
no one who hates you
wants you to feel better.
But that’s on them –
not you.
Stop responding to the ghost-writers
who write the tragedies
that play out like movies in your head.
Say the word STOP out loud
if you have to
and do this
every time you find yourself
interacting with an old thought
or an old tension
or when you find yourself
re-thinking about the unresolved past,
allow this to be resolved by realizing
that the past is gone.
It is our thoughts and our thinking
that keep the old resentments alive.
So, instead
I have come here
to let them die
3)
The hour is earlier than usual,
and I am awake
again, or as usual
I find myself
looking into the blackness
of a dark ceiling.
Nighttime
Insomnia, anxious
ad typical
and thinking too much
about a life that regards me
as too little.
I am letting go
now
and releasing my grip of the past
or the shames that only survived
because my thinking kept them alive.
And what now?
now what?
The answer is
I don’t know.
The rest is unknown and the day
has yet to be written.
You are my “person”
and I know this.
But I know that to have this,
I have to stand taller
stronger, and dare more
than I have ever dared before.
I see this now
and I realize how nothing sturdy
can be built on a soft foundation
Nothing like this can ever stand tall
or survive the test of time.
It is early now
and I do not mean the hour of the day.
I say this is early to define the newness
of self.
I was told that I will never be happy
and that I will always be miserable
and that I will die this way.
I was given this sentence
and told that I will always suffer.
And I will be too
if I choose to listen
or believe
But no.
I have decided to stop ordering two
meals to feed two my faces
no lies, no matter how it hurts
one face
one love
one life
because to me
the rest
is just
irrelevant –
The Written Addiction 