1)
If I could say anything to you
I would say
“I understand.”
I would tell you that I am sorry
that is, of course,
if words helped
or sentiments could heal old wounds
or fix the wrongs of the past.
But often,
words mean nothing
and apologies do nothing more
than reopen the pains
of a broken heart.
Leaving well enough alone
is often not left well enough
and thus; revisiting what was
does nothing else but
remind us where it hurt
or this brightens the scars
that were left behind.
I do not deny my crimes,
nor will I accept blame
for the wrongs
that are not mine.
But still—
If I could do something
or do anything,
I wish I could find
whatever it is (or was)
to make life easier.
But I am as I am
and I was as I was
and neither a reason nor excuse
can mend the remnants
of what took place.
But that’s me.
I see the results.
An empty bed,
an empty place,
and an empty space
in more ways than one,
yet, what happens next?
Where do people go from here?
If I could say anything,
I would say yes;
they were right.
I was wrong
but accountability
only matters when all is fair
(in love and war).
2)
I keep thinking about
what if I kept quiet,
or what if I chose to walk away
before the last word was said?
Or when I think deeper,
I wonder about the way things happened
and, of course,
I ask myself,
what would my life be like
if I chose to go left
instead of right?
What if I spoke from the heart
instead of resentment?
What if?
What if fear was not a thing?
What if the past never happened
and rather than worry about
the repetitive fears,
what if I realized that you are not my past?
Rather than prove my point,
what if I stopped or spoke plainly,
and said, “I’m sorry but . . .
. . . as strong as you think I am”
because the truth is
I am weaker than any man
or weaker than any man should be.
Safe to say that
I went the wrong way.
Safer to say
that I chose the wrong plan
and yes,
I chose the wrong person
in more ways than one.
I chose to find myself
in the company of people
who made me feel more alone
than I did when I was alone
or by myself.
And what’s the use of that?
Safe to say
I got what I deserved,
and maybe, — who knows,
maybe I deserve more
or maybe I deserve worse.
Okay—
Maybe I have more on the way
and my fate is like a sniper
armed and patient as ever
just looking to pick me off
and turn my lights out.
Who knows?
Who knows what comes or what goes
and who can say if the wind
is going to blow the same way twice,
or even three times
or more . . .
who can say what life will look like
this time tomorrow?
I have no argument
or excuses — and so, I’ll take what’s coming
by any means
and I’ll take this in whatever fashion.
I’ll take the punch
like a bullet to the soul
and I will serve my time
in purgatory’s choice
until hell freezes over,
or until my sins are forgiven
(whichever comes first)
3)
I wanted to say
or at least I wanted to let you know
that I understand the grips and the ties
that our previous life can have on us,
especially when they hold us back
(or keep us sick).
I wanted to say that
I understand why trust is an issue
and why it’s hard to be excited.
It’s hard to be excited
when you worry about
the next worst thing
and all that could happen or go wrong
at any time.
I wanted to let you know
that I understand about
the inaccuracies that map
our opinions of us
or the way we see ourselves.
Lies are ugly
no matter how pretty they seem.
I want to say this to you now
and again
and perhaps I reflect this to me
and myself when I say
this was not your fault.
Either way
here we are, and so
What now?
4)
It is not too far from us
the winds of autumn and the later sunrise
are on the way.
It is not too far fetched to say
that we will be fine
or that we will turn the page
and start the next chapter.
Yesterday can die
at any give moment.
That is
if we choose to let it.
September has started
and October will be here
faster than we think.
It is not too bad of an idea
to have time pass
and think about
being on the other side of this.
In fact,
I think about the saying that goes
Some day . . .
we are going to look back at this
and laugh.
Maybe we will
or maybe we will look back
and not even remember
because we allowed life to take place
and yesterday’s importance
will be nothing short
of meaningless.
The torch passed
and neither of us
need the light
to read the words
on yesterday’s fine print.
What’s the difference anyway?
Yesterday is gone
I know what we said about
whatever doesn’t kill you
makes you stronger.
And we both agree
that we’d be fine to be weaker
and have less shit to deal with.
But that’s not real life, now
is it?
I think the heat has already started to settle
and the winds are a little cooler to me.
Maybe the tension can settle too.
Maybe the next year will be better
than the last.
Maybe . . .
I have no reason to deny
that hope exists
and so do you
or so do we.
I used to be afraid to hope
because hope is such a brave thing
and I was too afraid to hope
for anything because I was too familiar
with disappointment.
I don’t want to be afraid anymore.
I don’t want to be disappointed either.
Nothing will ever be what it was
And that’s true.
But who says
that has to be a bad thing?
You can have whatever you want now –
If you choose to.
5)
I chose this entry
to show you my weak side
which is never the best side
but perhaps,
it takes more strength to be weak
than it does to be strong
and have all the answers.
And what now?
Do I have answers?
I have no more than you.
Nor do I have less than anyone else.
All I have is this:
I know that
there is love out there.
I know that my heart seeks
the warmth of the sun
and my soul enjoys
the comfort of the moon.
I see how both are necessary
I know the love that comes
in a good bowl of soup
or how amazing it is
to reach across a table
and grab the hand of affection.
I know there is something here
as in right now
and that this is more
than some kind of coincidence
or happenstance.
I know that fate and destiny
know what tomorrow brings.
But do I know?
No.
All I can do . . .
is hope
The Written Addiction 