And Then What

I am told the semicolon
is a symbol of hope . . .
Ah, the semicolon,
a symbol of resilience
and “the continuation”
of our life’s story.

There is no bully worse
than the hopelessness of depression
or the floods that come from anxiety.

I get it . . .

There is only one other bully
which is worse
which is cancer
which hits and affects us all.

Then again, I view depression and mental illness
as an emotional
or an invisible cancer;
in which case,
both kills, both decay
and if untreated, both can eat us
down to the bone, and lastly
both are the biggest bullies
of all.

I know this is true.
I have seen this,
up close and personal,
and the truth is
So have you.

I am certainly familiar with anxiety
or the ideas that everything can
and will go wrong
and that yes,
I will be exposed and shamed
and that every friend
was really an enemy, every love
was actually a joke,
and I was the punchline . . .
and while this is mainly untrue,
I have seen truth in this as well,
or in different terms,
perhaps I can explain it better like this —

I understand what it means to be picked last
or worse,
I understand what it means to not be picked at all
or not chosen, or to be told
that I am not good enough
or that I do not have enough
or that I am not enough, period,
as in “end of sentence.”

I know what it means to be lied to
just the same or to be cheated on
because I was too,
which is what howls my laughter
more than anything
because I understand what it’s like
to be called a liar and a cheater
but more,
it’s pretty funny to be called this
by those who commit the same dishonesties.

Safe to say, it’s true,
believe it when people show
you who they are.

Me too.
I am no better
or worse,
but equally and unbelievably imperfect.

Safe to say that I invested
and I tried
and I wanted and pleaded
and yes; it is true to say
that I was unfair
the same as life is
or was unfair.

Hurt people, hurt people . . .
Understand?
However, this was never my intention
but I was unprepared or ill-prepared
and still, I have to answer
regardless of anything else.

I walked away and took a leap of faith
which was unfair to begin with;
however, and moreover, I learned one thing
more than anything else
and I notice this is relatable
to many.

When someone is “with” someone else
and says they are “going” to leave,
but yet
they are waiting for the “right time,”
just know that most cases will prove
there is no “right time:”
and that unfortunately,
this is never
going to happen.

I said this to you yesterday —
and yes, I will say this again now . . .
I don’t agree with the saying,
you made your bed, now lay in it.
No.
I laid in it, and now,
I am alone, but not totally
and now
I have to make my bed,
so-to-speak
and pay for my wrongs
no matter what.

I have to answer. . .

This means I have to pay the price
and answer for what I did
or in no uncertain terms,
I have to clean up my own mess
and pay for the pain
that this, or you, or I
or both or neither of us caused
(unintentionally or otherwise).
And so it goes
and so on
back and forth . . .

Safe to say that yesterday’s daggers
have staying power.
Safe to say that emotional pain
and/or the invisible scars
left behind are ongoing
and they have the ability to grow
and be more painful
as time goes on.

Safe to say the insecurities
of not “being the one”
or not being chosen
being ignored
or being picked last
as if to be chosen
as some kind of settled agreement
can leave us stuck
in the worst kind of chemistry.

Do you want to hear fear?
I am afraid of everything.
I am afraid that I will die alone
in shame.

I am afraid that “they” will know
that I am afraid of the dark
and they will do all they can to expose this
which is why I am more afraid
of being exposed in the light.

Yes, I am afraid.
I am petrified
to which I answer for this here and now
because if I move towards this
I cannot be beaten by this
and hence,
my fears lose their momentum
and weaken beneath my feet
as I try, or stand,
or walk on.

No matter what
or who,
my glass house is not fit for me anymore.
The windows intact
but you are welcome to stay where you are
if you like . . .
and therefore, I had to stop blaming others
or throwing stones
whichever came first.

But in all fairness,
this is small
and much smaller than it appears.

I have come to a decision
and rather than seek approval
or find acceptance, or forgiveness
and rather than shoot for a truce,
I have made my choice
and I have made my bed
and I have literally been told
“the world would be a better place,”
or that
I “should do the world a favor,”
and die.

I have made my choice
and I have chosen to rise regardless
of the votes against me
or the people around
or those who order me to fall.

I am not innocent
by any means
nor have I ever claimed
to be innocent

And now . . .
. . . now it’s time to let go.
And take another leap of faith.

It’s time.

“Get busy living
or get busy dying . . .”

I agree. . .