I have said and told you
if I could then I would.
But like my childhood saying goes
If I could, I would
but I can’t so,
I won’t.
I have decided that my daily defiance
is not what you think it is
and whether the revolution
will or will not be televised
or broadcasted on social media;
I have decided that by the time
this message hits the ground
or grows legs
I will be long gone from
the here and now,
and living elsewhere
before the production begins.
There is no conclusion to come to,
and no cross to bear,
nor is there any reason
to hold the unwanted items
or cling to the particulars
or questions like, who or what?
And no.
There is no reason to cling
to the worry of the where’s and why’s,
from unproductive conversations.
This is above all, useless and pointless,
wasteful and more than anything else,
this is further degrading to me
to keep these fights alive
in which case, I am fine
to let the fires die from the bridges I burnt
behind me.
I have decided that
same as I cannot clap with one hand,
no one can fight me
if I am not there to fight with;
and, so,
therefore, I have decided to remove myself
from consideration,
or least of all,
I remove myself from the titles
of being an enemy, friend or foe.
I am hereby going to be like water
moving, flowing freely
as if to be unattached and disconnected
and without judgment
and should I be detained
or contained and confined
to a small space,
then I will understand
that my restrictions are not about me —
at least not from an emotional perspective.
Hell, I have been trapped before,
in worse places
and with worse people.
I have lived the wrong life
more than once, which is why
I have chosen the task to free myself
from all that imprisoned me.
If it is up to me . . .
it is up to me.
I understand this,
and thus
I cannot and will not be free
until the day I realize
that my freedom appears
when I choose to free myself
from the burdens
within.
Ego,
you small fragile child . . .
I have decided that if I could
then I would rewind the clocks
but I cannot
so therefore
I will not worry myself
about the life that lives
beyond my control.
I have decided that
I will no longer
be a working part of the hate machine
and the blood that spills from here on
has nothing to do with me.
This job can go to someone else.
Like a meeting I used to attend
I will “neither support
nor oppose any causes.”
After all, it can be hard enough
to live life on its own
let alone carry the weight of the world
and everyone else’s bullshit
included.
There is no way to make everyone happy.
Someone has to give
and,
I have decided,
okay, I will let this be me,
which is not to say that I give up
or that I give in.
No.
I give nothing away
and I leave nothing to chance
or uncertainty.
Therefore,
I am certain the fights can stay alive or dead
without me.
You can have the trophies back
and all the little trinkets
and anything else we use
to decorate our lives.
And here’s why:
There is a word I like
and the word is unobjectionable
— as in free from either side
and free from the fights
and the arguments
and the casual bickering
which goes back and forth.
This means to be free from the bullshit sarcasm
and the passive aggressive C.U. Next Tuesday’s
of the world
and no more social snobbery
or the status whores and opportunists
who climb ladders to get high in the world
or die while trying.
It’s good to be done. You know?
Surrender to win.
But this is not about winning or losing,
at least not to me.
This is not about survival.
No,
I see this more as a redeeming nature
to salvage what’s left
and to till the soil
and plant the seeds
to start a new life
and
just
be
happy.
It’s funny to me
how people
will misread this
or think this is something
that it’s not
or some will insist this is about “Them”
but no.
Either way,
my intention is my intention
and as for the world around me
or their interpretation –
I know,
none of this
has anything to do
with me
Completely
The Written Addiction 