And you start to wonder simple things
like, is this trip
really worth it?
Is all of this
really necessary?
Or, could most of this
have been avoided?
Has all of this meant
what it was supposed to mean?
And this is a great question.
Or wait,
after all this and after all that went on,
did I do what I wanted to do,
or did I do what I had to?
And yes,
there is a difference.
I have no right
to blame anyone for where I am
or where I have been
and no,
I have no right to accuse anyone
or be accusatory
or point fingers at anyone else
when I am either guilty
or just as guilty
as someone else.
Age . . .
I agree, age is a trip.
Life is a trip, — and, oh sure
life’s a trip, and then
I am reminded of when the kids used to say,
“see you next fall,”
which is what the bullies used to laugh about
in school
and they laughed about this
after they tripped you
in the hallways
and caused you to fall
flat on your face.
I have fallen
and oh, so have the mighty.
Or, as I was told
pride comes before the fall
and yes, there is no rest
for the weary
or the wicked and yes,
I have been both for way too long.
So,
it’s time to change the record
and find a new soundtrack.
It’s time to turn the page
close the chapter
and start something new.
I know that at some point
I will become the sum of my outcomes
and one day,
the wake of my past
will swallow me whole.
I know that life is cyclical
and I know that while
I am not who I want to be
(yet)
I am not who I was
nor am I willing
to be the monster
that anyone else
says I should be.
I deserve a chance
the same as anybody else
which is not just a brave thing to say
but as it was said to me,
this is a brave thing to do,
to get back up
or to try
or live again.
At some point,
the hole in the sky
will appear to me,
and whether I deserve this
or not,
sunlight will find my face again
and the morning air
will be sweet,
the winter will thaw
and springtime will resume the colors
of rebirth —
I will be me, you will be you
and the feuds from our past
will be nothing more
than the feuds of our past.
I think the autumn has come
to remind me
that it is time to let the summer fade.
No one will care
or find it off-putting
if we move forward
without looking back.
In the end,
I doubt anyone remembers
who had the last word
or who won
who hit harder
or who landed the final blow.
The sad part is
life comes to blows
(sometimes) and it’s not the fights
that hurt so much.
No.
It’s the fact that we fought in the first place
and that we couldn’t settle our problems
like civilized adults,
but hey
the word civilized is a “grown-up” word
and maybe I could be this way
if I decided to grow up
that is.
All I know is that in the end
things come to an end
and therefore,
sometimes all you can do
is turn the page, get back up
and try to live better
or be happy
again.
That is, of course,
if we are lucky to begin with
as in
we should be happy to say
that we can begin again
or start over.
There is no need to go back and forth
and no,
there is no need to go backwards
at all.
It’s time to move on
as in, move ahead
or as in go forward
and it’s time
to settle the disputes
and to lay down the weapons
of our emotional warfare
and self-destruction.
Not everything
or everyone belongs together.
Sometimes the awareness of lies
are an insult,
not because we were lied to
or hurt or because the fights
were so brutal
or because someone said (or did)
a mean thing.
But more,
these things hurt because deep down
we knew
that we weren’t being true
to ourselves to begin with.
I know that I wasn’t
and if this is on me,
then this is on me
faults and all.
This happens.
I am no better
and neither are you.
Don’t believe me?
Just look at the broken windows
in the glass house we live in.
I see that perhaps now
is a good time to turn the page.
I see the autumn is about to come
and the winds are about to change.
I see that my life is different now
and that the last few years
or more particularly,
the last few months
have shown me that misery
can be destructive or almost nuclear
and explosive.
So,
let the autumn moon be big and bright.
Let the starts take over the midnight sky.
Let the colors of the leaves
be bright when they change
and let the warmth from your fire
be what it takes to warm your heart
when the winter gets cold.
There is no law
that says hate is necessary
and there are no rules
that tell us
wars have to last forever.
Then again,
I see this more
as a suggestion for myself
than it is for you
or for anyone else.
I am not ready
but the winds
are getting cooler now,
and soon, if not already,
the beaches will be emptied
of its seasonal trespassers — but I . . .
I am not here to trespass
or to be trespassed upon,
nor am I here
to do anything else
except maybe see the shoreline
in the dead of winter
or to tell the girl in my heart
and to let her know
that no matter where you go
there I am—happily waiting
to oblige the sun
and eagerly waiting
to experience the summer:
– To feel the sun on my face
– To dig my toes in the sand
– To wade knee deep in the water
during the sunset
and to celebrate another year of survival
despite the curves our life will throw.
Just because you and I
had an ugly past,
doesn’t mean
we can’t have a beautiful future.
Or, at least
I hope
The Written Addiction 