I find that I am closing in on a brand-new start
which means the last few chapters are in the past
and here I am again, standing at the doorway
of some new beginning.

It’s amazing,
I say.

This year is about to become the last
and the last two years are going
to move farther away
and deeper into my past,
like decades that have turned into ghosts
known, but not seen or
heard, but gone like the wind.

Or should I say
at least I hope so

I started this journal
with the question that asks –
and then what?

The truth is
I don’t know what comes next
or what comes after this.
I don’t know if today
will be the day
or tonight will be the night.

I believe a person can look and see
but still never know
what it’s like to live
or breathe or feel
or know what it’s like to find themselves
and understand what it means
to be missing
or come up short.

No one will ever know
what it feels like
to experience touch
from my side of the skin.

I guess if you don’t know
then you won’t know what it was like
or how it felt to wake up one day
and look back
and be like, “What the hell?”

I guess my life is mine
and since my so-called version of life
or my opinion is only subjective,
then I realize that thoughts and opinions
are both subject and open to interpretation,
and in all fairness,
I would have to say no . . .
intention and interpretation
are not always the same.

And so, I’ve heard
or so I have been told that essentially
you just have to let it go.

You can’t hold on forever.
You can’t attach yourself
to the unwanted outcomes
or cling to the difficulties
which are beyond our control.

Life is always going to be life.

And look . . .
there it is
the world outside your door
which is big and vast,
as well as ongoing and optimal
and yes, this is all live
and loaded with endless opportunities
and countless possibilities.

I am told the semicolon
is a symbol of hope . . .
Ah, the semicolon,
a symbol of resilience
and “the continuation”
of our life’s story.

There is no bully worse
than the hopelessness of depression
or the floods that come from anxiety.

I get it . . .

There is only one other bully
which is worse
which is cancer
which hits and affects us all.

I will make this one simple —
or, rather than think about what to say
I will let my heart speak for me
and you can do
what you want with this
or take these two parts
and do with them as you will.

1)

Rainfall

1)

If I could say anything to you
I would say
“I understand.”

I would tell you that I am sorry
that is, of course,
if words helped
or sentiments could heal old wounds
or fix the wrongs of the past.

But often,
words mean nothing
and apologies do nothing more
than reopen the pains
of a broken heart.

Of course, I know what it means
to lose myself in excess.
I have done this and tried for more,
and found myself on the hunt for excess
until, of course,
someone told me
that I was
excessive.

1)

Have you ever lost your way
or have you ever lost more
than just yourself?

Do you know what it feels like
to lose your sanity,
or if we are bound to be brave
or brave enough to be honest
then let me ask you –