So, What’s it Gonna Take?

Do you want to know the answer?
Sometimes the answers are simple. I swear it is.
Sometimes the answers are free, and oftentimes, the answers are right in front of us.
As in, “right here,” and right in front of our eyes.

We have to look though. We have to open our eyes if we are going to see the highlights and understand life in true color.

But rest assured, the answers are out there.
Butterflies. Random patches of rainbows that appear like a patch in the sky, sitting just off to the right of the sun and beaming through a cloud.
This is like an eye of the soul who watches over us through a hole in the sky.

But there’s more.
A sunny day. A calm before the storm.
These are great things.
Then, there’s a random moment on an empty beach which has been vacated as a result of the off season — do you know what I mean?
But between you and me, the beach knows me well enough to understand that there is no good or bad times for a random visit.
No need for a phone call either — just stop by to say, “hello, my friend,” and let the waves roll in and out.
This is peace at its best.

Do you know what it is?
And I know that you and I have talked about this before. I’m sure that you have heard this at least a million times from a million different people, but sometimes, all it takes is an early morning drive.

I admit that you have to have the necessities too, of course.
I suppose a tank of gas is the top priority, which is a pricey thing these days.
Let’s face it, the cost of oil and the price of gas at the pump is going up.

But let’s remove this idea and say that our tank is full, or at least, our tank is full enough to get us where we need to be. We can get in the car and drive, which can be to anywhere or nowhere, just the same.
I say that destinations are hardly important on mornings like this.
It’s all about the drive.

The autumn has yet to take over the climate, but it is here, nevertheless. However, it seems like the summer winds have yet to vacate the apartment, so-to-speak.
Don’t get me wrong though.
The summertime is still moving out because the lease only runs for a few months out of the year.  
But the seasons go back a long, long time.
They’re all old friends, like a bunch of kids who went to grade school together, got in trouble, grew up, and then they grew old and still managed to stay handsome.
But sometimes, the summer winds come back for a few of its leftover-items before going away until returning, late after the spring.

I love this.
I love early morning drives like this morning’s.
The roads are mainly open and quiet. The early hour on Sunday morning is more Godly or somewhat submissive, like a child finishing his chores before going to church, or reveling himself in confession to be more godly, and the giving himself up to God the Father.

I view this as a moment of clarity—or better yet, I see this morning as imperative.
I see the early drive as a great way to erase the moderate to severe distortions and the mind games that life plays on us. This world is a crazy place.
I know it.

Like I said, summer has yet to vacate the premises, but yes, the autumn months are here to stay.
Or at least until the lease runs out and autumn vacates the apartment so wintertime can come to town.

I think that it is necessary that early morning drives like this one are both accompanied and complimented by the right music.
This is important.
Music is a crucial and integral part of the journey.

I like all kinds of music.
I like classical.
I admit to my appreciation for Beethoven and his Moonlight Sonata. I admit to enjoying some of the quieter symphonies, like, take for example, “Vide Core Meum” by Hanz Zimmer, which is soothing to say the least.
This is also something that I am told is quite the contrast because I do not “look the part,” or so I was told.
I do not appear to be someone who would appreciate an opera or anything of the sort.
But I do.
I have never been much of a country fan.
but . . .
there are a few songs that manage to grab my attention
So, “Fire away,” is what Chris Stapleton sings.

And again, I say as follows –
Do you know what it is?
No?
I suppose I can tell you what it is.
It’s beautiful.

It’s a crazy world out there with crazy things happening all day long.
Life is happening.
Absolutely. I get it.

Life is going on around us.
Hate is far more dominant than it needs to be.
Yet, there I was, early this morning.
I was driving in my car, slowly and not speeding.
The parkways were empty.
The sky was brilliant, and the heavens were the kind of blue that only comes at times like this.
I swear it.
Skies like this only come when we are on the cusp or on the fringe between the seasons. We call this the shoulder season, which is when one season pauses before vanishing.
Or in this perspective, this is the time of year before the arms of summer extend and reach the palm of autumn, which is next in line.

So, what’s it gonna take.
Or at least, this is my question.
This is a task which is deserving of a daily answer.

I don’t know.
I understand a beautiful morning drive cannot take away the pain, or like The Son of Man did for the spirit of our souls, none of what I saw this morning can wash away the sins of the world.

Life will still be life tomorrow.
Work will still be work.
Time will still click away, one second at a time, and all the common and daily insanities will resume at any given moment. .
I know this.
So do you.

But sometimes, a moment comes and the beauty of everything around us is so evident and overflowing — and sometimes, it’s enough to resign for a while, or let things lay for the moment and be as they are.
Sometimes love and time are not able to heal all wounds.
But before I digress, I have to say that yes, music can and will soothe the savage beast.

I cannot fix or unravel anything.
But I can be true to me and true to the fact that my love still stands, even if I am only weak or puny . . .

Do you want to know something?
I would have never admitted to any of this or detailed my thoughts about the way I saw this morning.
I’d have never shown this to anyone, had it not been for you.
Maybe it takes loss to realize what we have, or had.
Maybe we have to be knocked down to our knees to understand what it means to avert our eyes or gaze upwards towards the heavens
(and ask for forgiveness).

Maybe it takes seeing the truth behind the ugly or the ugliness of other people because, in all fairness, alone or not, or in your company, my dreams of you are more unending.
This is true now more than ever before.

Someone told me they would never look at me and assume that this is me.
I was told that I don’t look friendly or peaceful.
I was told that I look mean.
But I reject this.
Maybe I’m not appealing or handsome.
Okay.
I get it, because if man is as he thinketh, then yes, I am a murderer and even worse or more, if I am as I appear, then let me wipe away the confusion or the distraction of my looks and say, yes, this is me.

I had to pay for who I am.
I had to pay dearly.
I had to lose everything to realize what I had was either false or that I was living an unworthy lifestyle—and hence, I lost far too much.
I lost it all.
So, now, I am here to build and to learn and create a new life so that I can earn the right to live again.

I’m not tough.
In fact, I am the furthest from lethal or dangerous.
I am a coward and brave and weak and strong.
I am all of the things we collect under the sun.

Even more, I am someone in this world who is journaling while I journey and hopefully, whatever I unturn or discover can overturn my previous decisions and solve my past mistakes.

I am alone for the time being.
I am peaceful now.
Calm. Quiet
and serene.

It is beautiful out there.
The sky.
The sun.
The wind.
These things are all parts of the autumn season that go back like old friends from grade school.
You know the ones, right?
They are the kids who managed to stay in touch throughout the years
—and still look handsome.

For the record, I love you.
I have lost and hurt enough to know that I cannot leave anything undone or unsaid.
I know what damage is and the word “ruined” means more than just hurtful things to me.
I have ruined more than I care to confess.

But for now, I have to go
the day is shorter
but the sky is beautiful
and I somehow feel more hopeful than ever.

At least for now.