I have no idea what will come today. Other than the mail despite its contents, or other than the alarm that rings at the same time in the morning, and other than the schedule at work or the time of my morning train, —I have no idea what today brings. And even still, among the so-called things that I think I know, I understand that all things can and will be subject to change.
The world can fall from its perch at any given moment. The phone could ring, or not.
Any one thing can go in either direction.
I suppose.
Or for example, a smile can fade into a frown, or frowns can resolve themselves and turn the other way.
Anything can happen. Right?
Okay, then.
The clouds can dissipate, and the sun can come out for a second to look through the grayness and let you know, “Don’t worry. I’m still here.”
I compare this to the reassurance that comes with the warmth from the hand or the touch of a loved one.
Anything can happen.
Even the impossible.
I have been told to resign to “what is,” or in the case of changing the things cannot change, I have been told that I have to learn how to surrender to “what was.”
I was told that I can surrender to win.
So that I can move on.
So that I can rebuild, reform, or reshape my existence in whichever way I choose.
No one can stop me.
Of course, I see this as a form f personal artwork.
This is definitely a craft but I have not mastered this craft.
Yet . . .
Control is a very special thing.
I know this.
And what can I control?
Aside from myself. And the honest question here is can I control myself.
Sometimes. . .
Sometimes, I have no control.
I can lose myself to my emotions. I can lose to anxiety,
I can lose to that helpless feeling of being out of control.
Or as I like to say; I can lose to myself like water loses to a drain.
Absolutely.
I have no control over anything that is outside of my reach.
I can control nothing, aside from my effort.
No one can stop me from trying.
This does not mean others will help me.
This will not solve my apologies or mean the world is ready to forgive me, and nor does this mean it will be easy to forgive myself for my trespasses or for allowing others to trespass against me.
No one can stop me from this, or my dream.
Not my enemies. Not the critics.
Not the grammar police. Not the friends who claim to be there for me with a smile when meanwhile, they hide their sharp knives to stab at the backs of unexpecting souls.
No one can keep me from improving.
Except me, of course.
No one can stop me from this either.
Me, coming here to see you and me, coming here to speak with you like this.
This is mine. And no one can take this from me.
Of course, the internet can explode. My power can go out.
My cell phone could crash, or my wireless provider can drop me, like a bad habit, —and still, no one can stop me from chasing dreams and writing to you.
There are going to be days when life will be disheartening. There will be days, nights, and times when the weight on my chest is too heavy to breathe.
There will be times when I tempt fate and say “How worse can this get?” and I’ll say “that’s it!
I can’t take anymore” and yet, my fate and destiny will either laugh or smile at me and respond, “Wanna bet?”
Or in the modern world, my identity can be compromised, or my bank card can be hacked.
The bills could double, and my pay could decrease.
Or worse, I can learn that a friend was not a friend at all, which is not surprising.
All is fair in love and war.
Or better, I think about the saying, “It’s not personal. It’s just business,” which only goes to show that some people will look to use you as firewood, as soon as they get cold.
But to me, that’s personal.
And that’s fine.
And maybe this is true.
Maybe the world can be an unkind place.
Maybe.
Maybe it’s true that people can absolutely be ruthless, regardless to the size of your heart or the belief in your chest. Things can revert back to size regardless of how we swore, “I thought this was going to be different!”
I do not believe that no one goes without learning what disloyalty or betrayal means.
I do not believe that anyone escapes unscathed or gets away without injury in this life.
Life is real.
Life will happen.
Good things will come. Rain will come too, but just like the sun when it burns through the gray clouds, I know it can’t rain forever. Good things can come from bad destructions, —or at least, I hope.
I don’t know what will come for me today.
I only know that when it comes to the unknown or the unexpected, almost all of what comes is out of my control.
I suppose this is what it means to surrender to win.
Stop trying to control the uncontrollable.
Start from within.
And see what comes next.
I have hit my head against the same wall, more times than I can count. I have repeated my mistakes. I’ve yelled at the sky and shook my fist at the heavens.
I have defied God, and the God of my understanding, which means I have done nothing but defied my best interests.
I’ve said too much.
I’ve fought and argued too often.
I’ve tried to get the last word in.
Of course, I have.
I did this so I could live without the unresolved tension that comes when I wished I had said something better when time gave me the chance.
But windows like this close and often, I find myself rehashing old conversations or heated talks and wishing I had said “this” instead of “that!”
The truth is . . .
I am an insecure man. Small as ever and stuck in the belief that I still that little defenseless kid, or that I so goddamned weak that everyone and anyone could see me as prey, —and thus, I could be consumed or devoured like a light snack and be forgotten by dinner.
I can expose the inner narcissist right here and now to remove its strength.
I remember being told how I am not God or nearly Godlike.
I was told about my selfish, self-centeredness is the root of my disease.
okay then. fine
I laugh at the sarcasm about this next point. I laugh at the time I was told, “The difference between Ben and God is God knows he ain’t Ben.”
I have fought and struggled for decades to reshape or reconfigure my life. And yet, life has changed, and the bottom fell out from under me.
Countless times
I have seen better days and worse days.
I have had days when I ate from the best places and days when my food came from the lowest standard.
Everyone has to serve their time.
We all pay dues.
All of us.
I don’t know if I have served my time or learned my lessons appropriately.
I don’t know if I have learned enough to move on to the next lesson.
I don’t know what today will bring.
But again –
I am not in the results business.
I’m in the effort business.
I was told this by an old friend who wasn’t really a friend at all.
Yet, I chose to keep this motto because it’s true.
I have no control over life or life outside of my reach.
So, then, let me reach for this.
Let me reach for what I can.
Let me apologize, with all of my heart and not attach myself to its acceptance.
Let me get back up and try again.
Let me give my life my all and let me let go of “what was” because what was is not “what is” anymore.
Fate and destiny can definitely pull their tricks.
Or . . .
or maybe they saw something that I didn’t. Maybe the in my life changes were both fate and destiny’s way of saying, “trust me, son. We see what you don’t, and we hear what you never heard behind your back.”
Okay then.
Let me put my faith here.
Let me get going to face what comes because no matter what, no one can stop me from improving my life, —except for me, of course.
And I’ve done that all too often.
No one an stop me.
Not my enemies
Not my friends.
Not even fate or destiny.
I might not make my way to where I want to be.
But either way, somehow, I know there’s love out there for me . . .
I know you’re out there.
Waiting.
The Written Addiction 