So, What’s it Gonna Take?

The sunrise was beautiful this morning. My routine changed for today, which caused me to have to leave at a different time.
But the ride was worth it.
I saw the sun come up while driving alongside The East River. I can tell you without a doubt that I have seen all sides of my city. I have seen the good parts and the bad, and somehow, despite all the craziness and the stories, I know this world is a good place.

But first, I think it is important for us to touch on something.
Okay?

We have to be clear on something between us. This has to happen right here and right now and yes, I think now is the best time for us to talk.
The day has yet to begin, and nothing has moved too quickly to get beyond our control.
I have to say this to you because this is me, coming to you, both calmly and wholeheartedly, and as clear and as honest as I can be.
Life is not a fair thing. Not at all.
Life hurts.
Life comes with good times and bad. The waves we ride both rise and fall and no matter what we strive for, there will be a share of victories and losses.
And so, I see no reason why anyone should deny this. I have heard people tell me to think positive or to change my thinking. Of course, I can see why this is good advice.
Yes, our thinking has an impact on our emotion, which alters our feelings and can change our perspective.
Of course, this is true.

At the same time, I have to encourage the idea that empowers us and say that it’s okay to NOT be okay because sometimes, life is not okay.

Okay?

Life is hard.
Or in my case, I can see how life can be painful enough to make me question my 12 Steps or throw away my sobriety and whatever other progress I’ve made over the years.
This is nothing more than an honest thought. This is not a threat or a plan of attack nor is this a plea or a cry for help.
No. I have earned my place at the table, which means I have earned the right to be honest about who I am, how I think or feel, and lying about any of the above seems nothing short of wasteful to me.

I have heard the saying that when it rains, it pours.
And yes, I agree. I have been caught and nearly drowned in my own emotional quicksand. I have been caught in the worst emotional storms that are outrageous enough to make torrential downpours seem like a light drizzle.

When it rains, it pours.
I get it.
This means that problems can magnify or multiply to the point that our troubles are enough to make us question our faith.
Or, maybe this is unique to me.
But in all honesty, I really don’t think I am alone with this one.

There are times in my life when I have screamed at the ceiling while alone at home. There was a scene in my life when I swore that nothing was worthwhile anymore, and in the worst of it, I sunk to my knees and wept and wondered, “Why have you forsaken me?”
I was a man without a place and a person without a heart to share.
I swore that I was cursed, or worse, I saw myself as evolutionally incapable, and that I was essentially made to ride in the lower rungs of our social caste system – that I was the peasant, or that in the cycles of downtrodden and evil, I was the servant of hatred because I was hated and seemingly or socially incapable of being cared for or deserving love.
I believed this. I believed this as much as I believe in the Almighty Universe and the waves that touch the shores.

There are times when life was too much to handle. I was at my wit’s end, and I can remember screaming upwards from my knees.
Nothing was good and I could never be good enough.
Everything around me was falling apart and that so-called bottom, which I thought I hit was armed with a trapdoor that opened and allowed me to fall further and sink deeper in my own despair.

I called to The One whom I assume as my version of God and asked, “how much more do you expect me to take?”
And sure enough, I found out what happens when you tempt fate.
I learned that fate can be a monster because fate showed up and showed me that I could handle more, like it or not.

I’ve had more to deal with and more to handle.
I have learned that bad news can travel in packs—and I mean this too.

Bad news can travel like a pack of hungry wolves that chase you down, maul you, and the nip at the meat on your bones to pick you clean.
But if this is true, then what do we do?
What has to happen next to recover from this?
Why is this a common thing among so many but no one speaks about this and no one comes out of their hole and says, “This is the secret,” and share about their endurance.

Life is filled with tests.

No one goes without disappointments. No one walks away without heartache. More to the point, as sure as anyone loves with all of their heart, heartbreak is sure to come because heartbreak is another common guarantee in this life. I know this.
And so do you.

I see people who live with humble means. I see them and wondered about the strength in their legs.
How do people survive?
I wonder how strong someone has to be to carry themselves through the fire and still make it home to get out of bed the next day.

I know of a Mother who raises her children alone and I often wonder if I will ever be the man she is.
I know of a Father who buried his two year old son and somehow, he carried on and somehow, he is the Father to another newborn son.
I know of friends who have been beaten and marked and scared and hurt beyond repair. And I was there to see them when they were at their lowest and somehow, I see them as higher now than ever before.

How do you get up after being knocked down so hard and so fast?
I wonder?
I wonder how people lose it all and they somehow regain their composure and rebuild their life.
They never dared to tell me this was easy.
They only told me they did whatever they could because this was necessary.

I have fallen. Yes, I have.
I have fallen more times than I can count.

I have been hit by life and hit by friends and, of course, I have been hit by enemies too, which is expected because this is what enemies do.

Life can snap quick enough to cause whiplash at the neck.
Or like I say, at least this is true to me. And next, I found myself hit so hard that the awareness was like the speed of sound when the sight comes first and the pain hit me like a pause after the moment of awareness.

I am not so tough.
I can sit here and tell you about the dark side of my life. I can describe the hours before my worst fall. I can tell you about the moments after I woke up on the floor in the bathroom of a treatment facility, alive when I tried to die.
I can say what it was like, coming-to and realizing that my attempt failed, and that for some reason, I was still alive.
And I still am.
Alive, I mean.

I have my bouts.
I have pain.
There are times when I shake my fists at the sky.
I am often unsure about the strength in my legs or if I can carry what I have, let alone the worries I have about the weight that comes and what happens if I have to carry more.

I have trapped myself and self-destructed and yes, more than once, I have blown everything to shit and ruined my chances to get out alive, so-to-speak.

I doubt too often and have faith too little.
Yet, despite this and regardless of the financial worries or the bouts I have with the tax collector, and despite the physical pain and the emotional battles I have, which are mine and perhaps self-induced to some degree—I am still here.
And so are you.

So, what’s it gonna take?
What has to happen for us to look up and see the new horizon?
Do we have to sink or submit?
Or can we surrender to what was so that we can and achieve a new future?

I had a dream last night about a town that I have never seen or been to.
I just like the name,
I suppose.

Mount Kisco.

I’ve heard about this place and while I know nothing about the village itself, or if the town is pretty (or not), I still like the name.
I can also confirm that I like the anonymity of someplace new—as in far away from the past and someplace that’s away from the people we knew.

I love the idea of someplace where you and I can start over without the intrusions of anyone else.
You and I can find a place to watch the sunset and see the beauty of what happens when life unfolds, and somehow, we managed to come out on the other side

Together ~