So, What’s it Gonna Take?

I have experienced life after the severity of consequences. Then again, no one can pretend that this makes us special or more resilient than anyone else in the world. No one can say that they’ve never been to the crossroads or found themselves at the turning point.

Life is not specific nor am I so specific to anyone or anything. I am only me.
And I have learned this, repeatedly, which is important because people can often forget that ego is a killer, and to this I say to hell with it.
What has pride and ego done for anybody?
Or namely me. What have I done?
Please, someone tell me . . .
What’s become of me?
Because whatever the answer is, deep down, I know that I am capable of better.
Or so I hope.

To hell with the egocentric lives and the bullshit pride, which is nothing else but false bravado and a disguise to decorate us with a smile, even when we can’t smile or try to.
To hell with the false armor and the fake shields. To hell with the panic attacks and the coldness of rampant anxiety.
To hell with this.

To hell with plastic grins or the elastic truths that we try and stretch to suit our feelings.
Yes –
I have faced adversity.
Yes –
I have won and lost.
Yes –
I have gambled enough to see what it means to sit at the table and come up short or walk away with nothing.
Yes –
Lesson learned, I suppose.

I am me because who else can I be?
I am me but I am nothing more than a man or human, as in a being, alive and somewhat well in this experiment I like to call Project Earth.
I am me. I am this.
I am my own chaos or peace, depending upon my decisions.
At times, I can say that I am a force to be reckoned with or avoided.
I can be good though.
I can be loving. I can share and love and be part of something bigger, if I allow myself.

I have stood at the line of my own existence and dared the winds to blow me down.
I have done this and abandoned my own best interests because, in all fairness, my misery loved company and the company I kept chose to vacate me, to which I say yes,
I get it.
I have shown my face, despite the shame.
And I have hid too, timidly of course.
I will be honest here and transparent too.
I have been in spots where I was too afraid of the day ahead or fearful because I knew that I had to face the outcomes and answer for my behavior.

I have spent years in a war of my own,
but to what avail?
Who else needs to be hurt?
How many more casualties does there need to be before the war is too costly?

I ask this because wars are expensive.
I know. I have been told this many times.
Wars are expensive.
Build bridges. Not walls.
I get it.
I think this is brave and brilliant, all at the same time.

But what does this mean and what will this take?
How do we find peace amongst our enemies, let alone the question which follows:
how do we find peace amongst ourselves?
Peace.
Ah, the word alone is enough to cause me to sigh in relief.

I have been asked what I want most.
Safe to say, I want a lot of things.
Safe to say that I want to be in a better place.
I want to feel better. I want to heal quicker.
I want to rid myself from my personal demons and walk away from the emotional battles, intact, and still capable of love.

Safe to say that I want to settle my debts.
I want to settle my differences with other people in my life.
I want to improve as a person. I want to improve my profession.
I want to advance from where I am and be where I’ve always wanted to be.
I want to be free from worry and free from financial doubts or insecurity.

I want to accept what was and be ready for what will be.
At the same time, I want to be one step better than I was the day before.
I want to do this on a daily basis, consistently.

Do I want to be rich?
Sure.
I can be fine with being rich.

Do I want to be successful?
Absolutely.
However, and although I often forget, I have learned countless times that the terms of success are often relative.
So, to be fair, I can’t say that I always know what people mean when they call themselves or others successful.

Does this mean rich?
Does being successful mean that people regard you as an authority?
Or does this mean loved beyond all else and despite facts and flaws, life is a good place to be, regardless of the time or the location, and thus, if this is so, is it successful enough to survive another day?

Does being successful need acknowledgment?
Or is success comfortable enough to live without accolade?

I ask this because I find that people who know themselves well or when someone is secure with who they are, they tend to stand tall on their own and they are comfortable to enter a room with a quieter approach. No need for announcements. No one needs to bow or kiss the ring.
Is this it?
Is this what it means to be successful?
There’s no need to prove your worth or compare scars.
No boasting. No bragging.
No need to socially flex about spending or flashy purchases.

I often think about the people who I have met over the years.
I think about how they are regarded as miserable millionaires — and one of them is a miserable billionaire, which I assume is enough to defy the idea that money can buy happiness.
And I assume that maybe money can rent happiness.
Or maybe it is true, and money can actually buy happiness.
Maybe.
Or should I say maybe not?

I have met people who can spend money like water. I have met people who have properties and cars and all the bells and whistles that go along with them. They can buy anything they want, except their wallets are not big enough because they’ve never been able to buy enough to fill that empty void.

I can relate to this.

I can say that I have sat in the cheap seats at The Garden and I have sat down in the front rows with the wealthy. I have been to the executive suites, and I’ve been too broke to go outside.
Flashy things are great, but nothing ever filled the void.

Emptiness is emptiness. And life cannot survive in a vacuum.
Neither can I or you.
And neither can happiness, I suppose.

I have lived in big houses. I had a nice property.
I had nice things, and I have had some really good times.
But something was missing. Maybe something is still missing.

I say this openly and fairly because I own this.
Meanwhile, this is not something that was brought on by anyone else.
I do not blame anyone.
This is not an insult to others who were in my life.

I regret the harm I have caused.
If anything, this is me holding myself accountable for the people I have hurt. And, too, this is an awareness that I allowed myself to be where I did not belong for way too long.
I stayed too long or held onto things that were unhealthy and unhelpful to me. This is what happens when self-care isn’t a priority.

I apologize for my mistakes.
I regret my past.
But regret will not help me. 
The only thing my past regrets can do is motivate me to improve and be better
(not bitter).

This is life with an empty void that cannot be filled because something is missing.

Happy people do not compare their lives.
I see this now.
Happy people do not lose their happiness in comparison with others.
There’s no need to compare or to keep up with the neighbors or anyone else, for that matter.

First and foremost, I see this being a problem with loyalty to our own truths. I see this as a problem when we settle or when we accept a trade. This happens all too often.
We settle because we live with so much doubt that our dreams are either unreachable or untouchable.

Love is love.
And love is great.
But what is our love worth if we do not love ourselves?
What is our love worth if we do not love our life?
What is our life worth if we built our life according to the wrong blueprint?
All great questions.

Essentially, we all have dreams and wants, desires, and if we are lucky, we all have the heat in our bellies which is the fire that gives us our purpose.
No love can be mutual or flow properly if we are not loyal to this.

I have endured the painful lessons of what happens when we are not loyal to our purpose.
I see what resentment does.
I’ve seen how this can suffocate us and hurt the ones we love
(or those who love us).
I’ve seen what fights do and how words and insults can kill the soul of a person —including me or us, and when we fight or when we shoot poison darts and hit below the belt to cause pain, what does this do for us?
How does this help us?

I can say that getting the last word in might feel good for the moment.
I can say that I am guilty of this.
But if it felt so good, then why do we (or I) relive the fights we have and feel the same tension and energy that we felt when the fights took place?

I don’t want to fight anymore.
However, I agree there are things worth fighting for.
I also agree there are times we have to fight back.

But having the last word is not enough for me.
Having the last word is not going to help me.
And sure, this might feel good for the time being.
But no.
I want more than feeling good for the time being.
I want to feel good on a long-term basis.
Quick fixes and short bursts of joy are not enough for me anymore.

I think about this –
We spend years going to school to prepare for life because we need to learn math so we can add.
We need to understand history, so history doesn’t have to repeat itself.
We need to understand science. And we need English class to learn how to read and write—so we can communicate.
We all need this, right?
Everyone tells us about the value of graduating with a diploma.
Right?

If school is so important, then why are there no classes about how to live and be happy?

I would have gone to a class like this.
The again, maybe I wouldn’t have because I’d be afraid to look stupid (again) because I’d fail a test or stutter in front of the other classmates.
Maybe I’d have wanted to go to a class like this, but I’d be too timid to show up.
I’d be shy because I’d think people would consider me an idiot for not knowing how to do the simplest and most important thing of all — to be happy.

What do I want most?
I want to be happy.
I want peace between us.
I want to break my patterns.
I want to distance myself from my previous self and learn more about my passion and my truth.
And sometimes the truth hurts.
I get this.

I want to be happy.

So, what’s it gonna take?
Money isn’t the answer.
Success isn’t the answer.
Or maybe it is – but this would be a different type of success.

Such is life.
And this is my life.
Improving,
hopefully.