So, What’s it Gonna Take?

I have been thinking about the thought machine for years now.
I know, this sounds like a funny thing. But this is very real to me.

I think about the thoughts that either push or pull me in a specific direction.
What are they?
Where do they come from?
How do my thoughts gain speed the way they do?
And if it’s possible for someone to think themselves sick, then why do we do this to ourselves?
This is what I mean when I say I have been thinking about the thought machine for years now.

For example, what inspires me?
Or if inspiration is neither positive or negative and just energy, where does this energy push me, and how does this impact my next few steps?
I see this the same as I see electricity and the mind is like a conduit which allows our thoughts direction. At the same time, there are challenges when thoughts overload us, like a circuit, and just like an electrical breaker, sometimes we overload ourselves until we blow.

I think about the items that prove my desire and keep me hungry. Then I think about this from the opposite side. I think about my fears. I think about my insecurities and the complex, which triggers my thought machine and causes me to believe that I am an imposter at best.
Hence, the term imposter syndrome, which is more common than the common cold.
Yet, no one wants to appear weak or vulnerable and nobody wants to be seen or proven to be incapable.
Out of many, this is one of my worst fears – to be incapable, or to be inferior, stupid, or otherwise rejected and worthless, and basically pointless or meaningless.
No one wants to be this way.
But my fears tell me that I am closer to this than I think.
This is where insecurity stores its fuel. And this is where my defense mechanisms come into play, which can be unfortunate.
Such is life when we give in to irrational thinking.

Irrational thinking leads me to emotional thinking and thus, my emotional worries have an impact on my personal chemistry. And next, this causes me to act preemptively, or to strike first or be deadly before anyone around gets to strike against me or bury me with my misperception of truth.

But let me see . . .
What are the items that hold me back?
What are the excuses I use to allow myself the failure to launch or to quit before I’ve even started?
This is the thought machine when my thoughts are at their worst.

I suppose the beginning of any new change or consequence is the toughest part because all you can see is the distance from where you are now and the goal or the finish line.
I get that.
Obstacles are apparent.
Obstacles are almost always obvious and certainly guaranteed.
No one can say they’ve never been thrown off track or lost a few steps.
No one can ever say that life never took them by surprise or that they’ve never heard bad news.
Life is equipped with challenges.
And this can be a bitch.
I see no reason to deny the truth or to deny that life is hard.
Of course, life is hard.
Maybe it’s supposed to be (so we learn).

Maybe the pain hurts.
Maybe this hurts too much and so, we shy away from trying again because we don’t want to fall or lose skin or take another blow to the ego.
Or maybe this is the mindset of defeat.
Maybe feeling defeated becomes so overwhelming that this becomes our identity.
This becomes who we are — or, at least, this is what we assume.
Maybe this is why we have settled before because the truth of our dreams seems too outrageous and the distance between here and the goal appears too far to comprehend.

Think about your losses.
Think about the biggest ones.
Think about the biggest and hardest emotional defeats.
Or in my case, I think about my broken heart.
I think about my disappointments or the times when I was the active fool.
I swore that this was all I could be

Now, think about the words “always” and “forever.”
Always and forever is a really long time.
So is “never” but we say this and we assume these words are true.
I’ll never get over this.
I’ll never feel better.
And I suppose this can be true, at least for the time being.

However, and in all fairness, there are only a few circumstances when words like always and forever are suitable for use.
I will always be me.
The past may seem like it will last forever.
But the past is gone.
And I get it.
History can whisper for a long time.
History can repeat itself, but the past can never be the present again.
I need to remember this
And so do you.

I know this is true.
And I know this deep within my heart.
We both know this.
At least, I can say that we both know and understand this on an intellectual level.
Emotions are not intellectual.
Emotional thinking can lead to long-lasting irrationalities and thus, our feelings of despair or the anxiety which says that we will feel this way “forever.”
This causes us to believe that we’ll “never” get over something (or someone).
This way of thinking can also dictate and determine our levels of sanity.

Is everything temporary?
I don’t know the answer.
But maybe . . .

I know there were times when I thought life would always be this way.
And this was not always bad.
Then again, this was not always good either.

What does it look like to you when you want something to happen, but you can’t see the future?
What does your heart tell you when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel?
What does it mean to you when your dreams appear hopeless or unachievable?
What does this do to you or your thought machine?

I am moving fast, even when I am still.
I am moving even when I try not to move at all because time never stops and the world is always turning.
Life is both eventual and inevitable.
I know this all too well.
Time is the most unstoppable force of all.

I remember days when the waves were high and, seemingly, I was on top of the world.
I remember thinking that there is going to be a cost for this.
I knew the wave would crash and that somehow, I would have to pay for the high that I was on.

This is what comes with cheap highs or when you cheat to win.
And sure, I have cheated, so-to-speak.
I connived. I swindled.
I manipulated the system for my own benefit.
And I won. Sure.
But what would my highs have been like if I won because I played the game straight?

I stood in front of some of the wealthiest businesspeople. I earned a spot in one of the largest corporations of its kind.
And yes, I lost this and I lost it all.
But I made it. Imposter syndrome or not, temporarily or not.
I know that there is something in me that can be great and destined for more.

I hit the heights and fell from glory.
I did.
But no one can stop me from trying to reach those heights again.
Not even me because fate and destiny have taken me too far, and if I fail, fate and destiny will discipline me until, eventually, I learn my lesson and walk the line.
I know this now, and truthfully, I knew this in the past.
But the thought machine tricked me.

I knew, deep down, that quick fixes and a fake existence can never lead to true happiness — but still, I tried.
I wanted to be happy.
I wanted greatness.
I wanted to be good, and I wanted to be pure.
I still want these things.
I’ve had to change my plans though.

I wanted this more than I wanted air to breathe. However, the impurity in my belief system tainted my ideas. The thought machine spun out of control and brought me off-kilter.
This caused me to believe that nothing will ever be as great as I dreamed.
No one stays forever. Nothing works.
And me?
I deserve the misery I felt.
Or so I thought.

I thought that love is elusive and evasive, and sometimes, love is a lie.
Or at least the love I was told about was a lie and I learned this in the long run.

But then again, love has to be true for true love to exist. And thus, love has to be mutual.
Love cannot be built on lies or dishonesties.
Love has to be equally regarded to allow happiness to move and flow, back and forth like the tides that come in to wash the sands along the shore.

I have been part of the blame machine. And I have been wrong too.
I have no right to claim innocence.
This means I have grown enough to realize where I am to blame.
Therefore, I have to clean up and be mindful of my side of the street.
The rest is none of my business.

I do not shame people or make remarks about their life or their body.
I do not put people down for their weight or talk about scars that are either clear and present or invisible and otherwise deeper or somewhat undetectable.
But I know they’re there – the scars, I mean.

I don’t give up secrets.
I don’t slander.
And trust me, there are times when I assume slander is justified. And there are times when I can comment about things that I was told with the confidence that I would always keep this confidential.

I could rat.
I could expose.
I could be like everything I hate.
Of course, I could do this.
I could rationalize my responses and justify my temper, but to what avail?
How does this help me reach my goals?
How does this help me play the game straight?
Come to think of it, isn’t slander supposed to be the language of the loser?
Well, if this is true, I can say that I have lost enough.
I don’t need to lose anymore or to hurt anyone else.
I think we’ve all seen enough pain for one lifetime.
Don’t you?

And if i allow the mask to slip or get angry, then why let my tongue be the weapon of some evil plot?
For what?
Should I do this to exploit the family suicide that no one knew about? (except for you)
Should I point out the other infidelities?
Should I expose the rocks that were thrown by people who live in glass houses?
Should I talk about the cheating and the lying or the deceitfulness of other people?

No. . .
My glass house already has too many broken windows and I have to many drafts for me to throw more stones to create more.
I am no better or worse than anyone else in this world.
I am only me. Faults, flaws, mistakes and all.

But let me start to close this here.
I live in the same world as you, which is crazy and tricky at times.
I am capable of great things.
I know this because I have done great things.
My goal is to move forward.
I want to get beyond this point.

I want to improve my position, despite the aches or the pains.
I want to advance, despite the flaws in my step, and I want to surpass my limitations, which I know are plenty.
I know this because there are countless people who look to remind me.
I get it.

Therefore, and effective immediately, I cannot look at the distance between where I am now and the goals I have, which appear way too far in the distance.
I cannot allow myself to lose to the intimidation that time is running out, and that these fleeting moments are overwhelming enough that I will never find a way to take my shot or pull off my trick.

I have no time to wish bad things for bad people.
And I have no time to waste on the ideas of my great revenge because in the end, the best revenge is to be able to stand, walk away, achieve and succeed, and realize that revenge was never necessary to begin with.

The best life is living as best as I can, which is all I can do at the moment.
I can’t stop bad news from coming.
I can’t stop enemies from making their moves.
I can’t stop hateful people.
And I can’t fix what happened nor can I repair anything that is beyond my control.

But I can show up.
I can control my effort.
I can wake up every morning, and despite how tired I am or how many complaints there are, no one can stop me from improving myself.
Even if I am at my worst, no one can stop me from trying to reach my best.
No one, but me, that is.

I know too many people who left this world too early.
And I know too many people who chose to go out this way or they went out by their own hand.
I wish I could say that I don’t get it.
But I do.

I understand depression. I understand pain.
I know them both on a first name basis.
(I often call them “me!”)
I know what it feels like to live with hate in my heart and contempt on my tongue.
And yes, I know all to well what it’s like to slander someone.

Hence, maybe this is why I always believed that happiness comes with a price.
And maybe happiness isn’t free.
But in a world where our investments are everything, I think it pays to make better investments with better people, places, and things.

I’ve been called a liar by those who lie and a cheater by those who were (and still are) cheating their life away.
I used to pay too much attention to this.
And I’d point my finger and say, “What about you?”

But what about them?
How do they impact the way I see myself in the mirror?
If they impact me at all or if they affect the way I see myself, then I obviously need to rethink the way I have invested my time.

Love is not perfect. And neither am I.
But no matter what, I love you perfectly.
I can say this wholeheartedly and without a doubt.

Flaws and all.
I love you.

It’s about to rain outside.
I have some good memories about the rain.
Rather than think about the dreary sadness and the gray skies, I think I’ll invest my thoughts differently.

Maybe I’ll think about a day spent in a bedroom and a time when my heart was full and content.

Yeah . . .
I think that idea fits me just fine.

What about you?