So, What’s it Gonna Take?

The aim is to be happy. I know I want this.
We all want this.
I suppose the difference between me and the happiness I aim for now as opposed to before is that I cannot allow my happiness to come at the expense of someone (or anyone) else.
Selfish or self-centered living comes at a much higher expense than the cost of real happiness
And me? I want to be happy.
Or even better, I have set a goal for myself. I have made this my commitment because there is no other choice in my eyes.
My goal is to rid myself of the external worries that cannot, will not, and do not serve me or my best interests. However, I have to rid myself of my own impurities and toxins, which means that I must not allow myself to slide back or revisit what I consider a toxic lifestyle.

There are no excuses. There are no justified reasons or rationalized truths that make dishonesties okay. To be clear and transparent, no, it’s never defendable to misuse people.
The time for amends has been upon me for a while now. At the same time, I have learned that the best way to make amends to someone is leave them alone.
Hurtful things hurt, regardless if we meant it or not.
I certainly never meant to hurt anyone but this does not mean I never had an agenda and that people were not hurt in the process.

Life can change at any given moment. Anything and everything is subject to change— except for time. Minutes will always be minutes and seconds will always be seconds. Hours will always be hours and days, months, weeks and years can and will pile up. Before we know it, life passed by like we blinked, or we woke up too late.
For the record, do you know what I call this?
I call this honesty. I call this cleaning up my side of the street.
I call this learning and growing and if I am to improve, I call this learning to improve by any constructive means necessary. And yes, this is all necessary.

There has to be a decision.
There has to be a level of commitment and a conviction, regardless of the outcomes, or the outside voices who may or may not try to interfere with us or our growth.

I have been cut off, in a way. I have separated myself for a greater good.
But yes, it was me who chose to do this.
I had to walk away to find myself.
I had to break away from the world that designs people as either likeable or tolerable, and acceptable. Rather than aiming to be more pleasing or palatable or adapt to someone’s liking, I had to determine what it means to be my authentic self. I had to understand what it means to accept me as I am.
There is no molding to fashion or be like others.
Not for me.
At least not anymore.

I had to resolve my own needs for acceptance and approval. I had to learn to face myself and my demons.
I had to recognize my truths and realize that I am not made to walk the same as others or design my life according to a common or particular blueprint.

I have the right to find myself.

I was never “everything” to anyone and thus, I assumed that I could never be “anything” to anybody.
It was always my assumption that I would be an inevitable and eventual disappointment.
I believed that loved ones would eventually leave or destroy me in some way.
And, love is something that is otherwise fleeting or fading.

Somehow, still, I have dreams. I have wants, desires, and hopes to create a life that can flourish. Despite my flaws, I will keep going until I find my purpose.

I often wonder what differs me from other people?
What differs me from people, like a wealthy businessman?
Or what differs me from someone who competes at the highest levels and pushes themselves to find their own version of greatness? Do they have special gifts that I do not have?
Can I learn?
Can I grow or adapt and improve?
Or is this out of my reach and do I need to be fine to live a regular or more ordinary life?

To hell with that . . .

What makes me assume the differences between better or worse, greatness and failure?

Aside from my writing, what have I done continuously, on a daily basis to make me better or reach for my dreams?
Why do I sit down each morning and consider my journals as life or death?
Maybe this is a case of life or death for me?
But who is to say?
Me, that’s who.

I write because my writing is an action. My journals are a plea — and yes, sometimes my thoughts are desperate and sometimes I submit to the lies that come with fear. Some days, I see myself in the loop of the same lifestyle with an unhelpful loop and an unhelpful reward system.

And the whispers or the inner voice can be a bitch!
Don’t bother. Don’t try if you won’t succeed.
Why would you anyway?
No one cares.
Nobody loves you, not even you.
Don’t be brave and try when you know you’re going to fail because disappointments are too costly and hope is for kids and fairy tales.
These are lies that fear uses to cause us to quit before we begin.
Why bother?
Why hope?
Why try?
Why play the game if you know you’re going to lose?

I lose if these questions win. And if they do, then the questions become darker, like, why live? Why smile?
Why enjoy the briefness of happiness? And why would anyone want to enjoy the light, only to come out for a second and be punished again by returning to the darkness?
Why love is love hurts and why be excited for someone when in the end, you’ll end up being alone, or why love when life is otherwise loveless?

I have come here to expose myself.
I come here to try and face myself.
I have to do this.
I show up, even if hope and success are too far from my reach.
Either way, I come here to ruin my past conditions and to stop the search for an outside or external validation.

Validation comes from within.

Life on life’s terms are unavoidable.
Life happens. Pain is real.
So are tragedies.
The world is filled with ups and downs, losses, and disappointments,
I agree. And I’m sure you agree as well.

I come here to let my journals become my strength.
I come here to speak with you, as if this is my breath and the words in my journals are my source of life.

I can no longer follow or search for approval. I cannot allow myself to transfer my power to others or give anyone the permission to be superior to me.
I cannot forfeit my life anymore.
I know that my previous belief system is faulted and my fears of being unloved or alone are insurmountable. Therefore, I can no longer lose my way or surrender my ground by searching for acknowledgement or hoping that the grass is greener someplace else.

I want to matter to someone.
I have always wanted to matter.
I might have mattered to some degree.
But I never felt as if this were real nor did I find the right match so that my chemistry would be complimented by the perfection of being someone’s other half.

I have lost myself and my power to opinions that do not matter — and even those who were supposed to matter, or when it comes to those who used to hold a meaningful position in my life — despite the relationship or the title or the assumed emotion of love – I had to find out the hard way.
So, in order to recover, I chose to master my own position.

I had to make changes and prioritize my station in life. Therefore, I had to lead by being an example to myself which means I had to stop betraying myself.
I had to stop selling my worth to other people. I had to refuse the belief and the feeling that I had to discount my stock or “go along,” to “get along” because no one would like me or want me around.

It is a brave thing to go, be, and do.
It is twice as brave to go and give your heart. It’s is courageous to do this, no matter what happens or if we succeed. The bravery behind this doubles and compiles when we move forward and continue.
This can snowball too – bravery can grow, just like a muscle.
We have to try as hard as we can, regardless of the times when we fall short or lose entirely.

Life comes with tests.
Our bravery is tested and confirmed when we try again. Our endurance is the secret.
Our resilience is what leads us to refuse the terms of defeat because the truth of the matter is: one can lose countless times and still remain undefeated.

I know this.
I know that I was defeated.
I have been defeated for way too long.
I have lost. I have fallen.
I have quit, submitted, and surrendered.
I cannot count the time when I gave up my right to try again. And I cringe with regret each time I think about the times when I failed to defend myself from the unwanted powers or people in my life.
But, not anymore.

I no longer interact with these topics.
I do not allow myself to accept unacceptable treatment.
I do not value outside life over my own life.
But yes. I lived a selfish life before.
I behaved selfishly.
My fears of lonesomeness and being unworthy, unwantable, incapable and weak, were so great that I used people, places, and things to survive my own insanity.
In the end, this is what drove me insane.
Crazy, right?

I am not sane by a long shot.
I am just as crazy as always, if not more so.
I am crazy to think that I can reshape my life, so late in the game.
I am crazy because I would rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong ones.
I will never settle again.
I will never surrender, and I will always remember the ground I volunteered to lose or give away.

I will not forget what took place before; however, I will not live with the ghosts of my past anymore nor will I assume that the old version of me is acceptable.

I have no ill-will towards my previous enemies.
I have no harsh or bad words for people from my past.
I have a mouthful of apologies for those who I had harmed. However, to ensure that I never harm anyone again, I have to castrate the emotional cancers that caused me to hurt the world around me.
This is up to me and this is why I made a decision.

I understand that others will not comply or appreciate or even agree with me.
I understand there are those who assume they have certain rights to say or think the way they do.
We do not have to agree.
We do not have to be friends or friendly.
We don’t have to like each other.
Either way is fine for me.

I see what happens when we allow people to have say or an unnecessary authority in our life.
I have seen what happens when I (or we) allow people to speak the way they do and in response, I see what happens when we accept this from a subservient position.

I know this crushes us.
And I know what this does to self-esteem.
Therefore, I cut ties with this and removed myself from the equations that do not favor me with a better math.

I refuse to be less-than or spoken down to.
I refuse to be subservient or submissive.
I refuse this because this is what led me to be abusive within, and worse, this caused me to lash out at people who were good to me, — and yes, I became a cog in the wheel of codependent living. Or worse, I became a part of something that I hate and detest the most.

 You asked: What happened to me that led me to act or be this way?
I was tired of regretting my reflection in the mirror.
I was tired of what I saw in myself.
I was tired of being weak and tired of living more than one life.
I was drained and exhausted from being more than one person.
I was tired of being two-faced and tired of keeping the fire behind my lies burning brightly, — this way, I could see who I lied to and remember how to keep myself from sinking or being caught.

Fuck that!

I was tired of who I was.
And now?
I face tasks and challenges.
I have fears that I will live the rest of my life, alone and loveless.
But I would rather do this than lie about love and pretend to be in love — or one better, I will never go back or be with someone “just to be” with someone because being alone is too painful.
I see this all the time. I see people backslide to people from their past, just to grip to someone and keep from being alone.
I don’t want any part of that kind of life.

I know what happens when we decide to speak up. I know how people act when we stand up for ourselves. I’ve been a narcissist long enough to spot my own kind.

I understand why the surrounding people or bystanders will take offense to this change.
And I understand that people will not like my side or point of view.
I know that people have their own version of what happened or what took place.
And that’s fine.
I might not be liked. I might not be respected.
But I do not have to bring my report card home anymore.

More importantly, I will never lend myself to the wrong people again. At least I won’t backslide or bend and entertain someone’s company, just to keep from being alone.

I know others who do this.
I know that I have done this before.
But now is the time for me to call this out and call it bullshit.

I refuse to degrade myself or slide backwards or be someone “I am not.”
I will not compromise, just to fit a mold or pretend to have someone in my life. And I will never act to be normal or fit the bullshit blueprint that does not match my life.

I love you
And I always will.
Therefore, I have to love myself and be “myself “if I am to be anything to anyone . . .
including you.