So, What’s it Gonna Take?

Ah, the life according to question, “What if?”
I know this all too well.
Of course, there are two sides to every coin. Am I right?
Therefore, there are two sides to every “what if” question.
I’m sure.

Let’s not forget the life according to the questions of “When?”
When is it my turn?
When am I going to be happy?
When am I going to break this mold and be the person I’ve always wanted to be?

When is it my turn to have the life I want instead of the life I have?
(I’ve been asking myself this for a very long time.)

When will I take the risk?
When will I face the truth?
When will I face my fears?
When will I stop running?
Better yet, when will I realize that no matter where I run or where I hide, when will I understand that there I am?
Then, the next question is when am I going to realize that I am the person I’ve been running from my entire life?

This is true for a lot of people. And yes, I know this is true to me.
I know me for as long as I have been alive.
I might have been confused for a while. I might not have had the words or the language to talk or tell someone my feelings or convey myself in a clear way.
But I know me personally.
In all honesty, so do you, and as for what you don’t know, I come here to expose or explain and inform you of all the other details in my life.

I understand what it means to have a history or a background. I know that despite the silence or discomfort when the topics come up, I know I am not alone.
I know this well because I have sat and talked with others who could relate. I have heard from people who found themselves living in unacceptable conditions or living the wrong life or spending time with the wrong people.

I have done this as well and assumed this is what life is like. I believed that there is no right life or right people,.
This is just the way things are.
Some people have it easy. Some people are beautiful. Some are wealthy and some are lucky. I assumed that, at best, I could only be me.

But this is not so.
Life has shown me some tricks. And life has shown me some painful truths as well. I never questioned life. I never questioned my worth because I assumed that I was only worth a certain amount.
I never assumed that I could be irreparable.
I never saw that my uniqueness has a place in this world or that I am intended for lessons and that my lessons have the ability to lead me towards greatness.

No.
I believed the rhetoric and the judgment from social and professional bullies. Even physical and emotional bullies too.
I believed them without question.
All too much and all too often.
But to what avail?
What has this done for me?
What does your fears or insecurities do for you?
Why is it that compliments are odd?
Or when someone insists about us being beautiful, why do we doubt this?
Why do we disbelieve this, all too much, and to the point where we believe that this must be a lie.

We have talked, you and me, for hours at a time, and even through text messages, late at night about the science behind people and our behaviors. We talked about the reasons why we are the way we are.
We talked about the facts behind us and told each other why we have fears, why we struggle to believe and why we doubt anyone or anything.
We have talked about all of this.
These are all true things to us.

I have declared this in other journals of mine and I have come clean about myself and my past as well.
I have also come to the understanding that there is a science or a pathology behind why we do what we do.
There is a science behind why we like what we like or why we tend to lean in certain directions. This is true down to our little secret fetishes too.
This is science. This is not the case of “good or bad.”
This is about the basic inner-workings of our mind.

This is the truth behind us. And so, yes. There is a science behind the way we act and think the same as there are reasons why we anticipate, or feel and assume the way we do.

We have trained assumptions, beliefs and personal biases. All of this comes from a map of our past life.
And maps like this can be tricky or a bitch to read.
But this can lead us to our best possible life as well and help us to recover old dreams that were lost along the way.

All of this is nothing more than data, which is due to our life-long programming.
Understand?

One can say that the science behind us can be a result of our personal chemistry. One can say that this is the way our brain is wired.
One could argue that programming and personal culture from our upbringing can be part of our personal dysfunctions, which only makes us human, by the way.

One can also argue that if we understand our whereabouts and understand our behavior, then we can understand better ways of living and our future can be free from a life that is “more of the same.”

By the way, rejection is a bitch.
Absolutely.
Think about the lessons that come from rejection or the pain and the aftermath that rejection leaves behind.

This can lead us to assumptions about us and the way we are – and this can lead us to the belief that one thing is like all things, and next, we assure that everyone is like the hurtful or the painful assumptions beneath our insecure ideas.
But in all fairness, this is not the truth.
Same as the “What if?” questions, this is no different from any coin with two sides.
What if I try and fail?
Okay, but what if I try and the outcomes are better than my dreams?
What if I give myself to her and she rejects me?
What if I find out that I was never going to be enough for her to love me like I love her?
All real questions too.
But what if this is the best morning ever because all that follows is going to be better than before?
What if this is even better than we hoped for?
And yes, I hope it is!

I understand the remnants of damaged assumptions and yes, I know what happens when we go back to old and default settings.
Or when it comes to us, or two people together, or when we talk about two people in love — of course, those who make it work are those who worked together to make their love successful.
I’m sure that everyone agrees with this.
Luck can only bring you to the doorstep of meeting someone special.
The rest is up to us.

Those who make it work and those who dare and try are doing so because of a chemical bond that is otherwise unbreakable.
This is our authentic truths coming to light and when two truths match, nothing can lie or destroy this. Except for us, of course.
Too many people are too afraid to release their authentic truths and be themselves because we have spent much of our life trying to hide or protect us from harm or pain. And although physical pain hurts, nothing can match the brutality or the torture of emotional pain that refuses to go away.

This is no accident. Meeting the love of your life is intentional and the response to us is noticeable because when you see the person who triggers your heart, you find your energy runs towards this, which is great.
But what no one talks about is this is scary shit!
Trust me.
Some people run and hide form this because “what if” it’s just me and I find out that I’m the only one who feels this way and the end comes and I’m just another fool – again?
There is a chemistry that causes two people to complement each other — chemically speaking, and all, faults and defects are nothing when two people are meant to be together.

And so—
when we think about the word “doubt,” or what it means to be uncertain or to be afraid, and when we think about the bravery it takes to love someone, wholeheartedly, we seldom realize the phenomenon behind this.
There are more pieces to this puzzle than we assume.
Or maybe we do realize this and the rarity and the unlikelihood that this “could be us,” or that this is “real” is unthinkable enough to cause us to self-destruct or sabotage our life together.

Even better, when we see the so-called “lucky people” who managed to find their counterpart and their “other half,” we wonder about the “What if” questions in our life, and then we live according to the calendar of “when?”

When is it going to be my turn?
I have been asking myself this question for years now.
I realize the answer, itself, is simple.
The answer is the moment I chose to give myself the permission, then this is my moment that “when” becomes now.

When are you and I going to live our life according to us and be on our calendar?
Or in my sci-fi mind, I always look to make the Star Wars reference and ask, “When are we going to make the jump to light speed?”

I understand that everything comes with a risk.
I come with risks and so do you.
No one is excluded from this list.

I assume the question that might stand out the most is, “What makes me any different from anyone else?”
Right?
I can tell you what makes you different to me.

Maybe it’s the way you look at me.
Or maybe it’s the way you laugh?
Or maybe it’s the way we act like kids, even at this age.
Maybe it’s because I feel safe when I know you are in the room?
Maybe it’s the way I can rest or sleep when I am next to you because I am not “on-guard” and I can lay my sword to rest and put my shield away.

And sure, I get jealous.
But my jealousy is only a branch or a vine of my insecurity, which is weed-like and invasive.
I know.
I know all about this because this is my science.
These are my chemical breakdowns and yes, my chemistry is flawed. But as I mentioned to you before, my science is my roadmap and this is my way towards a better living. 

(with you)

My sciences are my truths, which are good, bad, mute to some extent and deaf, dumb, and blind in other ways.
My science and the intrusions and the insults from my past life are the cracks that have shattered me in different areas.

Do I have a broken heart?
Sure?
Do you?
Do I know what pain is?
Pain and me are on a first name basis.
What about you?

What makes you different?
Okay. I can tell you.
I don’t feel pain around you.
There is no internal torment.
I feel a flow of so much energy.
I feel an amazing surge of intimate desire and gratification that cannot be matched, equaled, or topped by anyone else.
You are gorgeous.
Sexy. Sweet.
Your touch is better than any antidepressant.
Your voice is even better and your whisper can cure the cancers in my heart and soul.
I know this is true.
There are no doubts about you or the way you look or feel to my touch. I can look at you for hours or days and even decades and still miss you the second you leave the room.

I will always want more.
Of course, I’ll want more.
Why wouldn’t I want more?

I have this vision of you, or a memory, if you will.
You are in your black dress.
And I am thinking about the race in my heart when seeing you.
I am thinking about the expression on your face when we lock eyes and you see me looking at you.
I assume this is me looking at you, jaw-drooping and in awe of how amazing, sexy, and beautiful you look.
I can say that I have never seen anyone as erotic or exotic.

I am thinking about the chemistry in my brain and how I am ignited because “there she is!” the love of my life, and suddenly; I’m on fire.

But let me not digress for the moment or allow compliments to distract the discomfort of an otherwise painful truth. 

I am the flawed one.
I am the scared one.
I shot first and drew first blood, way too often.
I know all about my past and my sins and unfortunately, so do you.

I allowed my science to paint me in a corner before and, as a result; I have destroyed my past, my present, and my future.
Yes. I have.
Flaws and faults and defects put me where I am now.
This is all true.

I was alone and afraid to be weak or vulnerable.
I was tired of being last on the list or not believing in myself. Therefore, I was never a priority to anyone (including me) nor was my happiness prioritized to me or by anybody else.
It’s funny when you tell people, “hey, I’m not happy,” and you ask for help, only to be told that “this is on you, not me.” and then you have to go around believing that you are the faulted one.
Love does not work like this,
at least not real love.
Real love works both ways.
This is mutual and equal and the give and takes are able to add up to a happy, balanced life.
Have I ever had this before?
No
Have you?

Actually, scrap that question.
I’d rather not know.
I’d rather start from scratch, you and me, and build a new empire on our own.

But before we move on or if you decide to move on with me, let me get some things out in the open first.
I do not blame anyone for me or my circumstances.
I am grown enough to realize that I have no excuses — no, but this is my science that shows me why I am how I am or why I fear what I’m afraid of.

I have grown and come to the point where I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to live a lie or a questionable life.
Been there. Done that.
And it was a waste!
Also, and so you know –
you are the reason and the spark that makes me want to build my fire and share my warmth.

I do not say I’m afraid of you as much as I am afraid that one day, you will see my flaws. Or you will see me as weak and thus, you will find me and view me as unworthy and undesirable.
I am afraid of being rejected by you.
I am not afraid of falling out of love or ever being uninterested or unattracted to you.
You are far more beautiful than any of my words can explain.
But, again, insecurity robs us of the ability to believe in things like this.

The reason I say this is because my mental mirrors are distorted and perhaps you do not see what I see —or maybe what you see when you look at me is more flawless than my science allows me to believe. And so this, my dear, has been my life-long agony.
But not right now.
No.

See, the thing is, your mental mirror refuses what I tell you that I see.
Your assumptions about you being “different” from the rest is a case of your science distorting the truth and so, your mind refuses to believe that you are absolutely different from the rest of the world.
Absolutely!!.

There is no pain when I look at you.
There is no pain when you kiss me.
And when I hear our voice?
Not even the best brand of heroin comes close to this kind of experience.
Trust me.
I know it’s been a while, but I do speak from experience.

Hence, my withdrawal
Hence the feelings I get when I cannot see, hear, or touch you.

No one can cure this
but you.