All For More (or Less)

I wonder. I think all too much and I find myself asking questions.
But still. And what about this?
What about these questions?
I ask because when we find out, I wonder if the answers will be what we thought they’d be.

There are times when we go left instead of right. And there is a moment in our head when we question if this was the right way to go.
Maybe there was something better waiting for us in the other direction. Maybe life would have been different if we stayed a little longer to see what would happen.
Maybe I left before the miracle could take place.

Maybe.

I have found myself in the outcomes or the aftermaths of my bad decisions. I sat on the bench and laid in the bellies of my consequences, which swallowed me whole, and crapped me out to feel worse the next day.
Yes.
I have done this and more. I lost. I took the dive.
I took too much on the chin, and I shook too many tails and ruffled too many feathers.

Did you know I passed the old places where I used to live. I often pass my childhood home which still remembers me.
I cannot say how I know this. I suppose it’s a feeling inside of me, deep down in my gut.
I drive by and I see my old house on Merrick and I know she knows who I am.
I still know my old hometown. Even though the facelifts and the culture change is all too obvious, I know the corners and the places and my old hideouts still know my secrets.
They know me well enough to never tell another soul.
I passed the home that I lived in after Mom moved away. I drove by not too long ago.

It is strange to be where I am, in a holding pattern or like I say, I am doing my time in Purgatory until the gates call my number and the Powers that Be point my way and choose to let me pass.

It’s good to reflect. It’s good to look at the horizon.
It’s good to look beyond the bars or the gates in our worldly view.
And yes, it’s good to escape.

So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as we deliberate and set ourselves up for a decision, the court will be asking you for a verdict of guilty or innocent.
This is obvious.
This is what we are all here to find out.
Am I guilty or innocent, or am I both, which is why I offer that I am all the above.
I am not guilty, guilty, and there are counts to which I plead no contest.
With regards to my punishment, it is said that my punishment needs to fit the crime.
Okay, then what should my punishment be?
Should there be a punishment for being imperfect?
Is there anyone here in the courtroom who is imperfect?
Can anyone among us say that they have never lied or sinned or done someone deceptive or underhanded?

In this case of life against me or me against life; some of my accusers point at me and call me a liar and a cheat.
Some of my accusers are guilty of the same lie; however, they do not believe they deserve a trial or trial by fire.

And that’s okay too.
I am fine to be here, in the hole, or in solitary confinement.
I am fine to do my time and serve my penance because in the end, at least I can say that I faced my accusers.
In the end. I can say that while I admit that I made choices, I am not living a lie anymore. I am not a secret. I do not have to live a double life or speak from two sides of my mouth.

None of this puts me down or is to be hard on me or break me down to the ground. No. This is me facing my truths.
Most people are too afraid to do this.
Most are too afraid to defend themselves or face their executioners.
I am not.
At least not anymore.

Here we are talking about a fictional world with real facts.
And this is it.
This is real life too, taken from a fictional perspective, but nothing about this is fiction and nothing about this journal is fictional.
This is as real as any fiction and as true as any story.

“Please rise for the Honorable Judge Know-it-all”

Good morning, says the judge.
Shall we get started?

The prosecution insisted, “Yes, Your Honor.”
“It seems the defense has admitted to everything and nothing at the same time.”
“Good” remarked the judge.
“I guess this means we’re going to have a late lunch.”
“Might as well call ahead for dinner too, Your Honor,” I explained.
“We have a lot of ground to cover.”

The prosecution rolled their eyes, and the witnesses chose to look away.
All this now, and the case has just begun.