All For More (Or Less)

They decided to let the workers have a day off today, which means purgatory is closed for the day.
I am told this was done so that those who choose can spend the day with their family, friends, or whomever it is they prefer to spend today with.

They say the purpose of today is dedicated to being thankful.
Thankful for what, you ask?
We are to be thankful for what we have. Even if we don’t have much, I am told that we all have something to be thankful for.  
Although, I am sure there are people among us who believe otherwise.
Just ask some of the other inmates and you’ll find out pretty fast.

Only essential workers are working today. Some call workers like this essential. Some call them sacrificial. Some say that someone has to operate the machines and so, they take a “better them than me” approach to holidays like this.

Someone has to run the gin mill. Someone needs to distribute the medication, which is designed to keeps the inmates calm instead of restless.
I’m sure.
Some will suggest that today is a day to realize that God “could and would, if he were sought,” and some say that no, there is no God at all.
Some insist that God is a manmade creation who made us after we made Him.
Some say God is for the weak.
And yes, I am weak.
Some say there is no afterlife. There is only here and now and all else is meaningless.

I say I find myself here in Purgatory. I am the man in-between.
I am between the corners of faith and faithless abandon. I am often caught between a rock and hard place. Then again, who isn’t?

However, and in the spirit of this day of gratitude, I do hereby confess that my time here has shown me great and extravagant things.
And so, yes,
I am thankful.

Thank you for the quiet moments on the early morning train, to which I board during the weekdays so I can continue to make my daily bread.
And thanks for the evening train, which I take so I can come home.
Thank you to the subways that shuttle me down to my downtown place of business. And thanks for the subways that shuttle me uptown. Thanks to the other subway riders who need lessons in good manners.

Thank you to the doctor who told me that I am in good health for someone with diabetes. Thank you to the blood pressure gods who’ve shown leniency on my behalf.
Thank you to the person at the pharmacy who speaks little English and has yet to master the use of the cash register. I almost killed him twice.

Thank you to the dentists who’ve hacked into my teeth and drilled for gold. For the record, no, I cannot hear you through your mask Mr. Dentist. And no, I cannot understand your English or your accent.
But thank you for being patient with me —and yes, I owe a special debt of gratitude to the Novocain gods for numbing my lower jaw while they drilled and fixed my teeth.

I understand the terms of bitterness. I understand resentment as well.
Oh, but today is not intended for this sort of thing.
No, on the contrary.

I miss the old days. I miss the times which I thought I’d never rethink or revalue when I was younger.
I miss the corniness of my entire family, sitting at a table. And more, I miss the tradition of going around the table so that each person could share what they were thankful for.
Thanksgiving as a kid . . .
I remember.

I am not so old that I have forgotten this. However, I am old enough to understand the accommodations of time are unaccommodating.
We run out of time. We miss our chances.
Or often, we make the worst mistake of all and assume that tomorrow is always a good day to start.

Even now, I am sitting in my usual place and drinking my usual cup of coffee.
I can see how the attitude around me takes on somewhat of a holy atmosphere — almost as if to silently agree, “in the name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit.”
One God, forever and ever. . .
The Lord is with you
(And also with your spirit).

Today, in our hearing, and today as we view the sunrise, the midday, the afternoon and the sunset; life is taking place.

Somewhere, a person is taking their final breath. However, a new breath is elsewhere and like us, life is moving in full circle.

I am thankful that I have not lost my mind so much that I have lost the dignity in my spirit.
I am thankful that despite my place, my age, or the moment at hand, I still have the ability to see beauty.
I still love. I still dream.
I understand the rules of time, which is moving faster now that I see how time is limited.

Of course, I see this now. I see this with an understanding that youth assumes that tomorrow is given. However, age and experience changes the spectrum to which I have been advised to “beware.”
Time is of the essence. Take nothing for granted.
Leave nothing unsaid. Leave no stone unturned.
Do not let a minute pass you.

So, if and whenever possible, it is advised that you love now and that you love with all of your heart.
Love with all of your might.
Dance with her. By all means.
Please, I beg you.
Do this whenever and wherever the time allows.
Dance with her.

Perhaps this is more of an advisement to myself to which I offer this openly and for free.
Do not go or fade.
Celebrate her. Love her.
Let her know that everything about her is not only beautiful, or desirable, but in fact, how she was made was made perfectly. She is made perfectly because no one is made for their own enjoyment.
No, there are those out there who might catch your eye.
But only one person can own your heart.
And there is no giving this back.

To this, I say never let go.
Never let anything be confused or misunderstood.
Never allow someone to go with the belief that they are not enough.
I explain this because this is a sin worse than murder itself because this is the way to kill somebody’s spirit.
Killing the body kills for a lifetime, but killing the spirit kills for eternity.
I know this because I have done this and, yes, this has been done to me as well.

The time for interpersonal assassinations has come to an end. The war is over and everyone lost to their own hostile takeovers.

It is quiet along the tier this morning. All the doors on this cell block are locked shut. And yes, there is darkness along the corridor in the early hours of morning. The feelings are somewhat sentimental, or lugubrious, and also repenting, like a plea from us sinners to have mercy on us.
Please.
All of the guards are out back, having a smoke, perhaps.
I am writing to you, my love, wishing and hoping that somehow, my words and my heart escape the prison system and reach you where you are now — which is distant and far, yet never farther than my dreams because you are always in them — especially now, or should I say more so now that I am moving closer to the understanding that I am fighting for my life.

There was a time when I was younger and believed that nothing would ever hold me back or weigh me down. And yes, I swore to never show weakness.
I swore that no matter what, I would never submit or be subservient — and look at me now, submitting to you and subservient to the guards who keep me in this cell.

Am I thankful?
I am.
I am thankful that I decided to kill the old version of me that almost killed me long ago.
I am grateful that I have the wherewithal to see, and the awareness to realize that I have one more chance at this defense.

I will stand before the courts and take what comes.
Should my prison be nothing more than another extension of Purgatory, then let it be, because love is love and my love is timeless.
My destroys clocks, rewinds madness, replaces doubt, and when the time comes, my love will make time become timeless and you and me will be together beyond the definitions of time.

I swear.