All For More (Or Less)

I remember hearing two of the more famous questions, back when I was a kid. “What the hell were you thinking?”
The second question was “Why?” to which yes, of course my stock answer was always the typical, “I don’t know!”
Maybe this was age appropriate. Or maybe there’s truth to the saying that I have run away more as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.
Maybe it’s hard to make better choices when our minds are elsewhere.
Or maybe we act accordingly.

If I’m being honest, I knew why I did what I did.
And I knew what I was thinking. .

I defy anyone to act or make better decisions when they are hurt or afraid. Then again, no matter how we prepare or how we train, nothing prepares you for life when life is coming at you.
No one knows how they’ll be when life happens, live and at full speed.

And death?
I see this in two parts. One part is the obvious or the intellectual side. This is logic because logically or intellectually speaking; we all know that to each is a life that is equipped with a start, a middle, and an end. We all know the meat of our life is the in-between the start and finish. These are the details or the so-called meat and potatoes that filled our life. I call this the marks and the indentations that we leave behind or the initials, like the initials left in a tree, back when we were kids—my initials and your initials, together with one above the other and a plus sign between them  with the date of our connection to commemorate when we started to love one another.

I had no way to prepare for the deaths that I’ve experienced in my life.
at the same time, I understood that this was happening.
I knew this was real.
But nothing prepares you for the truest versions of life and death.

I don’t want to find myself here anymore.
I don’t want to be subject to questions like, “what the hell were you thinking,” or “why?”
I don’t want to have to answer for things like this, but reality is reality and humans are born with faults and flaws, which means that my imperfections are all real and they are both equally true.

I want to do more than leave my mark. I want more than our initials on a tree. I want to leave a better imprint. I want to do more than account for my sins or hold myself to the fire as a sign of accountability.

Beating oneself until death is not living.
Dying alive is not being alive.
living is living. Existing is existing.
And me?
i have existed long enough to know that all I want now –
is to live!

I want to leave something more appealing than just an autographed copy of a book about my life. Or better, I want to leave something more inspiring than some unfortunate detail or some sad remnant from a mistake that I left behind.

I want to carve myself into the earth, so-to-speak.
I want to be etched someplace, other than say, in the minds of someone’s resentment.

I want to love far more than I ever dared to love before.
I want to show this.
I want to do this, as in out and shamelessly.
I want to be unafraid, which is braver than anything I have ever dared to do.
And, too, I want to wipe away my old creations of fear.
I want to let go of my sad attachments and uncomfortable memories, which I held too tightly and for some reason, I held these things too dearly too.
And I don’t know why.

I don’t know why I had anxious attachments to people, places, and things.
I don’t know why i invested so heavily in my past or my past rejections.

I wish I could “take it back” which I have tried to do with all of my old apologies.
But apologies are apologies.
Saying sorry is the right thing to do
But cuts are cuts.
Scrapes are scrapes
Scars are scars.
And no amount of pretending can take this away.

I don’t know why I lost myself to a constant comparison of other people. And nor do I understand why I always saw myself as ugly or unwanted, —and why did I try so hard?
I don’t know why i allowed myself to invest in all the insults or the hurtful episodes that I experienced.
Why did I hold my fears of rejection so much that all this did was remind me that I was unwanted somewhere, which fooled me to believe that I would always be unwanted. And this would always be the case anywhere and everywhere I’d go.

I defy anyone to think clearly when their mind is cluttered.
I defy anyone to act or assume friendly ideas when they believe that the enemy is always approaching.
or too –
I defy anyone to make sane or better decisions when their chemistry is off because there comes a point when the engine in your mind is misfiring.

Everyone has their breaking point, which does not excuse me from my wrongdoings and nor does this allow or forgive me for doing and saying unkind things.
I am guilty as charged.
But who isn’t?

I hold myself both accountable and responsible for my actions. I admit to this and I accept what comes next.
This is why I have chosen to face my charges when it comes to crimes of the heart.
I am ready, Your Honor.
And to you as well, Mr. and Mrs. Accusers.
I am ready for the attempts of my so-called prosecution.
And whether I am free, exonerated, or sentenced to the worst kind of imprisonment, no one can tell me that i lied or failed to account for my sins.
Either way –
I have listened to alcoholics who explained that they are accountable for what they did before their sobriety. Yet, they are no longer responsible for what they did while under the influence, as long as they remain sober.

I am unsure whether I agree with this.
No, in fact, I disagree with this
If I kill someone while under the influence, then yes, I will face the courts and yes, I will be held both accountable and responsible for my actions.

And while I understand and have a strong education regarding the disease models of substance and alcohol abuse disorders, the courts still execute their sentences and the guilty still have to answer for their crimes.
Jails, institution, or death is the sentence for these things.

So, no.
I do not agree when people say they are accountable but not responsible.

I am both accountable and responsible.
I have taken advantage.
I have lied. I have been deceitful.
I have used and misused people.
I’ve cheated.
I have manipulated, deceived, and I have hurt good people for both bad and terrible reasons. And hence, this is why I say I want to leave a better mark. I want to change my imprint and change my indentation.

I know all about the results of operating according to my thinking. And, if I cannot feel or think or be better than my thoughts, then perhaps I need to change them.
This is why I am here to face the thoughts and the wreckage from my past.

I cannot erase or rewrite my history.
I know this.
I know that apologies do not wipe away the tears that our wrongs have left behind.
no amount of pleading or begging for anyone’s forgiveness will allow them to trust in me (again.)
I know that words do not erase scars and even empathy cannot solve the pain from our unresolved disputes.
But more, I know that the best way to apologize for something is to never do it again!
And sometimes, a better apology is to leave someone alone.
Okay –
So be it.

I have fallen.
I have stood.
I figuratively died more times than I can count and yet, I have been reborn enough times, each day, to make changes and improve my life.

Am I so different?
Are you?
Have I committed too much or done anything so differently?

Maybe.
Maybe not.

I don’t know what to do sometimes.
I have my share of uphill challenges.
And there are bouts that I have at night when the world is quiet and all are asleep.
There are fears that I will never be able to untangle this web of mine. And there is a sadness and a burden that lingers when I think about the weight of my regrets.
But again, I defy anyone to make sane decisions when their mind is stuck in an otherwise insane predicament.

I am not crazy. I am not insane
But I have done crazy things before.
I have done bad things too
(So have my accusers)
yet, none of this makes me bad.
And if I am bad, then of course, I am no worse than my accusers who are guilty of the same lies.

It is another cold morning in early December. The clouds and the sky were as beautiful as could be when the sun came up.
And while I understand that you and I have our “hopeless dilemmas,” I know that somehow, fate will take a turn and destiny will smile at us, and bring us back and closer together.

Soon—