The truth of the matter is that no one knows. No one cares. No one is paying attention and yet, we assume that everyone sees the same thing that we see.
Not true.
The fact is that everyone has their own life. Everyone has their own motivation, their own agenda, and everyone sees from their own perspective.
It is all too often that we take on more than we need, and I say this with the ideas of people, places, and things.
I have talked about the deception of our perception and the inaccuracies of emotion and assumption.
This is a link to my greatest downfall.
I know that thoughts are not always fact or fiction. I know that feelings are neither true nor false. I know that our mind is filled with different thought patterns and memories, biases, and thinking errors.
And yes –
It is clear to me that my assumptions have led me astray. It is also clear that my fears and my assumptions have both ruined and sabotaged opportunities to live, love, laugh, and learn at my best possible potential.
Even now. And even here.
I am where I am, a prisoner of sorts and held or detained until my trial is complete.
The future ahead is unknown. . .
The judge has frequently told the inmates that any person who defends themselves in criminal court like this has a fool for a client.
But this court is different. And my crimes are different too because while none of my charges are enforced by law, I am facing the moral judges and the inaccurate claims by so-called victims who lied as well or committed the same sin, just like me.
I have told you about my exit strategy as well as the place in my dreams, which is far from me now and perhaps this place is farther from reality. However, this place is real to me.
This is one of my many churches. And yet, there are other places which I have seen. And there are other places where I have been and walked across the soil and felt the wind blow through my hair.
I have dreams of places in my recent past. These are places which hold both loving and unfortunate positions in my heart. Yet, my dreams uncover them when my mind starts to run away from me.
I have never been exceptionally rich or financially wealthy. Yet, there were times when my financial position was far better than now.
I had more and in the same breath; I had far less than I do now—and this is true, even if I have nothing at all right now, I have more than I did back then>
Then again, hindsight is valuable.
Even if the confines around me and the walls which close in or the undesired locations, the unwanted tasks, which need my attention and despite all that I lost, at least I am living my life on my own terms.
I can see why people in my life suggested that I never celebrate another man’s downfall.
Don’t do this.
Not because of Karma or because pride comes before the fall. No.
Never celebrate someone’s downfall because in the end, you never know when something unfortunate can happen to you.
We are all one bad decision away from tragedy.
We all make choices, and no one is above making mistakes. No one gets it right every time. And sure, there are those who can say that they have better luck.
I was not born into the wealthy or the fortunate gene pool in which case, no, there will never be a big inheritance for me.
At least, not that I know of (But one can always hope.)
There is no net or cushion beneath me and there is no golden parachute to help me hit the ground.
Anything I want or anything I need is something that I have to work for. And sometimes, I have to work hard, or even slave for these things.
I had wealth and lost it
I had love. Or at least, so I thought.
I had far more than I ever believed I could achieve and yet, there was something off about this.
There was something off-center or off the meter, to which I could never feel comfortable or “at home” with what I had.
I remember a morning when I took a long walk and climbed up the side of an Upstate, New York mountain.
I remember standing on the ledge of a scenic overlook. Everything was beautiful. The world was clear and the air was friendly.
I had a healthy bank account. I had all the food I needed. I had a house with a big driveway, a decent amount of land. I had a ride-on lawnmower, which I would drive around my property during the kindness of an early Sunday morning.
I built so much . . .
. . .but what I built was not enough
There was something off though, which was not fair to anyone else in my life and nor was this anyone else’s problem. Yet, I made this a problem for others in my life.
The fact of the matter is we are intermingled and interconnected with other people in our life.
I made my problems become someone else’s problems.
I sank inward, which is unfair.
I wanted to change my existence but my changes were not honored and nor were they seen as important, and hence, I began to change and turned resentful.
I wanted to move or go or do different things. Yet, I was tied to this thing, which we call a mortgage and bills, insurance, car payments, and the list goes on.
Communication kills us, especially when we communicate inappropriately or even worse, communication ills us when we fail to communicate at all.
I grew tired of always being accused. I grew tired of being assigned blame and being told that this was all me, or that my misery was all my fault.
I had everything I needed. I had a nice house to live in. I had great people in my life—and somehow, I was missing and lost.
I was unhappy and unclear on how to reset myself.
My hope is that I have lost enough to learn my lesson. My aim is to detail this to the best of my ability.
And more, my efforts here are not to just defend my case in the courtroom. But also, I want to offer background to why and where and how and when.
It was late summer last year.
I remember an afternoon fishing trip.
I stood on the bow of a large charter boat. Much of the fishing throughout the afternoon was unimpressive.
The winds and the tides were not the best for bottom fishing. However, there is a difference between the novice and the more experienced fisherman. And I?
Well, I cannot call myself a professional fisherman and nor am I so experienced that I can claim the titles of captain or even first mate—however, I can say that I have been on a boat or two and I have fished a few lines and pulled up a few trophies.
I do not have what I want—at least, not yet.
And time might not be on my side.
Luck might not be on my side. Or perhaps I should be appreciative enough to say hey, at least I had the chance to see great things and go to great places.
The thing is . . .
I want more. I want more than the superficial bullshit or the flashy items that act like symbols of success.
I don’t need much. But what I need most is more.
I understand that I am the square root to my own equation.
I mean, hell!
We are all the square root to our own equation.
I understand my failures and my mistakes are acts or decisions that came from weary assumptions or fear-based projections.
I understand that people were hurt. I understand how I am to blame.
And even more importantly, I know that if I want more and if I want to escape my own madness, I have to get out of here.
We go back a long time, Purgatory and me.
I know the beast, all too well. And I know his demons and his tricks, and I can see how the beast trips me up or changes his story, just to keep me guessing.
It’s time.
The jury will undoubtedly come back with their decision. And as for my accusers, they’ve already decided. And the judge will be the judge. The bailiffs will be the bailiffs, and the guards will be the guards. I will be me. You will be you. And in the end, no one knows and no one sees and even more, no one really cares about our fights or disagreements.
Whether I am mad or someone is mad at me is only as heavy as I allow this to be.
I have been slandered before.
And now what?
What should I do?
Fight back?
What for?
We are gathered here anyway.
I did what I did and pointing fingers does not make more innocent or less guilty.
The guards and the jailhouse demons thrive on our misery And the gossips love the find something to talk about.
I have nothing to say about anyone else or their life or their innocence.
I might have a fool for a client, and I might not make it to the top of the mountain again and I might not have the chance to be out at sea. Or worse, I might never make to see the blue waters down at the Sea of Cortez between Baja California and the mainland at Mexico.
I might run out of time or be sentenced to more time.
The truth is, I don’t know what will come next.
No one knows the hour or the day.
No one knows if the sky will smile or the ground will swallow me whole.
I have to try.
one more time.
I want more.
I want to make a go of it.
By any means necessary.
And yes, this is about you.
And just so you know and before you question anything, all of this is about you. And all I do from this day forward, whether I pass or fail, everything I do is done for you.
I can’t care who thinks what or who says what about me.
No one cares. No one knows what I see.
All I know is that now has to be the time because time is ticking and the days are moving too fast.
I say this under oath.
So help me God
The Written Addiction 