All For More (Or Less)

There was snow over the weekend in Purgatory. There wasn’t much. But there was enough to coat the ground and keep the nighttime from being as dark.
Alone above, the moon took on the bluish hint and the holiday lights made the season feel more festive for a while.
These things are bitter sweet for me.

I don’t mind the snow. I don’t mind the cold.
No, really.
I don’t mind these things at all.

Of course, I could see myself where Heaven allows the ocean to turn a special kind of blue and the white sand beneath my feet are soft to the touch. I can appreciate this idea as much as I can appreciate the idea of two palm trees with a hammock tied between them,.
I would be fine with this too.
I would be fine to rest on that hammock along with feeling a gentle breeze from the kind border between the Mexican mainland and the shores of Baja California.
The Sea of Cortez . . .
(Remember?)

Of course, I can appreciate the feel of the sun on my skin. But I am north of the equator, and this side of our hemisphere is leaning too far from the sun to feel its warmth.
This is just another season and another winter moves on the books,
Father Time knows all about this.
And so do we.

The snow is beautiful to me. And so are the leafless branches of the trees, which were encased in snow, This causes the limbs to take on the sleeves of white snow, and all of this was looking beautiful as the sunset took place last evening, Sunday, after the storm disappeared.

The cold air is not always easy to handle and nor is the draft that moves through the prison. The blankets they give are sufficient enough, but only barely.
But it is what it is.
This is where I am.

And no amount of complaining or changing our story can remove our convictions or separate us from our consequences.
At least, not anymore.

Of course, I want to be elsewhere. And of course, I want to be where the warmth is or feel the satisfaction of the sun on my face.
I want to be where love is not just by my side, but on my side.
I want to be at a place where loneliness never plagues me and lovelessness never reaches me again.

I want this with all of my heart.
Of course, I do.
But where I am is where I am and despite the harshness of my circumstances and no matter how badly I wish I was elsewhere, this is where I am, —this is it and again, no amount of pretending or dreaming and wishing will derail me from the fact that I have achieved the sum of my choices.
Everyone pays the price of admission and no one gets out of this place alive.
I know.

It is what it is.
And nothing will change my whereabouts today, which means that no matter what I see or do, I have to find something beautiful here.
I have t anything I can to feel better about where I am.
Moreover, I have to seek beauty to find beauty.
I have to enhance beauty and nurture this to keep it alive.
And so –
I have to seek peace to find peace because anything otherwise will only lead me to consider the mutiny between us or the cold figures, which freeze in the angry winds of our current situations.

I don’t mind the glittery fields that crystallize with snow-covered piles And I don’t mind how the empty trees carry the icicles or look winterized.
The picture is perfect to me and beautiful enough to create a sense of warmth inside my heart.
This is where my fire is.

I know . . .
. . . I know.

My hands are cold and so are my toes and the soles of my feet. And the wind whips as it whistles past the windows.
I can hear how sharp the winds can be.
Yes. I get it.
However, there is something warm about this.
Or maybe this is only a memory or perhaps this is more about a desire to feel cozy next to the body of my love.

Maybe this is me dreaming (of you) about the dim lights of Christmas decorations and the softness of a snow globe or the chrysalis which is the glass housing that covers a snowy version of a classic town, snowed in and warm, while caught in its most pristine version of hope, love, and good will to all.

In all fairness, I could use a night like this. With you.
I could use a Northeast snow day where all shuts down and the outside is cold but the inside is warm.
I could use a cup of hot chocolate and sitting across the table from her (namely you) and feel the comfort of the snow covered town and how yes; this allows us a moment to do nothing else but rest, lay between the sheets, hold each other, and stay warm by igniting the fire we both share for each other.

I wish I could feel your feet entwine with mine and our legs overlap.
I’d keep you warm, even if it cost me my heart.
I’d still do it.

I wonder though . . .
. . .what would this look like?

I think of the stress and the anxious anxieties that cause our frustrations. I think about the crazy anticipations that cause us to lose focus on our purpose.

And you are my purpose.
I know you are.

If you could be here, as in here in my dreams; and if you could be with me right now, —cold and tired or worried and scared, and if I were to address you and approach you, as if to place my hands on the sides of your face so that all you could see are my eyes looking deeply into yours . . .
I wonder.

I was dreaming again last night.
We were somewhere else.
Far away.
And there was a struggle at an airport.
They were not going to allow you to board.

I grabbed you.
I held your face.
I made you look at me, and I could see the fear and the anxiety in your eyes.
I told you, “Look at me.”
Your eyes fixed on mine.
I told you “if you could stay here with me and be with me for the rest of your life, would you?”
You didn’t answer because the fear and the worries welled with the tears in your eyes. I knew all about the life you have elsewhere.
I knew all about your responsibilities
I asked you, “If you could let it all go, right now . . . would you marry me and stay here with me, right now.”
And then I kiss you like I have never kissed a woman before.

What I love most about you, aside from your other features and how alive I feel when I place my hand at the small of your back; and what I love most about you, more than anything else in this world is the way your eyes appear to me. I love how they swell with every emotion you try to protect.
You are all woman but there is truth of your spirit and that little girl who only wanted to be noticed, loved, and cared for,
I see her.
Nothing in this world is more beautiful than your face and nothing makes me as excited as the way your eyes share emotion.
You do this as if you are the highest ranking angel in the sky, and even the Heavens respond when you cry, which is why it rains. . .

Nothing drives me wilder than you.
Nothing prepares me for the everyday hells I face in Purgatory like the spirit of your love. Nothing strengthens me more than how you make me feel, because you are my heat, and my warmth and my fire despite the coldness of the prison cell or the outrage from the guards.

One day—

I know where I’ll be. And this is what keeps me going,
This is why I’m not afraid to take my own case to trial because even if I fail or even if I fight and lose, —at least I fought for you.

The news showed up at my doorstep about a man and woman who died in a double murder. The news told us about their famous life and their career and how all were executed by their son.
The deaths were unfortunate, but from my perspective, —I thought to myself, “at least they died together.
That’s not a death to me.
If I have to go, then I’d rather go with the love of my life by my side.
Namely you.
I already know about Hell or loneliness or the winter’s in Purgatory. I know all about the hatred of others and the unkindness of people between people, who smile with their hidden knives that prepare for someone’s back.

I would go hungry if it meant you would never go without a meal.
I would die if it meant that you would be awakened to peace and light.

One day, I will show you.
One day, you will see yourself the way I see you.
And when that happens, you will never have an ugly thought about yourself.

I swear to this the same as I have to swear when I give my testimony; so, help me God.

I admit that it’s cold this morning.
And the cars drive slower because the ice patches and slushy roads make for a messy commute.
But otherwise, all else is well in solitary confinement. 
of course it is because I have you in my heart
to keep me company.