But Teacher I Am Trying (My Best)

This one is not new.
Then again, everything I write to you is current, as in now and taking place as we speak.

The question itself is old and the question is this:
What would you say to yourself if you could go back to you at any age?

My answers have changed over the years.
Then again, so have I and so has my motivation.

My intentions are not the same as when I was a young man because when I was a young, I believed my younger ideas as if they were law, when I fact, it is true about what they say.
Some laws are made to be broken.

There has to come a time when we grow enough to question ourselves.
And of course, I have questioned myself a thousand times
both historically and categorically and even more,
I have always assumed that I have questioned myself
more than anyone else does.

Then again, this is what happens to overthinkers. We overthink. We question everything.
We dissect facts to check to see if they are in fact true.
And when we do, we look around at the time we lost and the mess we made.
Overthinkers . . .
We contemplate more than we chose and we worry about what comes next.
I swear.
We worry more than dare.

What would I say to the younger me?
Or what advice would I give the version of myself when I was too afraid?
What would I say to me at the times when I refused to dare?
Or how about when I was petrified?
Or what would I suggest to tell my bullies?
What then?
What if I fought back and was beaten worst?
Would I listen??
I suppose this question is more important than we think.

What about when I was too scared to love?
What would I say to that part of me?
Or how about the fears that come when we allow someone from the outside
to come inside and love us in return?

What would I say to me when I gave out but never took in
because as much and as hard as I loved;
I wasn’t a match and somehow, I was left with the rejection
and how would I suggest to handle the belief that no matter what
I was never enough?

I have always been a searcher. I am a dreamer.
I am a seeker on a quest and yes,
I have fears and doubts, worries and concerns.
I am afraid that I will never get this out and that no one will ever hear me.

I am too scared to lose you and to afraid to keep you.
But even more i would be devastated to forget you, whish is why
I retrace the outlines of our body every night in my dreams.

I am terrified that my time will come before I reach the goal line.
And worst of all, I am most afraid that the day my world comes to life,
I will die the next day and at best, all I an say is well, at least I never gave up.

I have biases and trained opinions and assumptions.

Some of these are deeply rooted and some concerns are newer to me.
Or perhaps my delays have been brought to the light or made clearer to me.
And yes. Oh, yes.
Part of my questioning and overthinking is simple.
This is because I have always been looking for clarity.
But clarity is not always so clear and nor is this painless.

At best or worse, I assume that this only makes me human.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.

The one piece of advice that remains consistent
is that I would consistently advise my younger self, not to listen.

Don’t listen.
No one is an expert.
Not even the experts.

No one knows what it feels like to touch the ground like you have.
No one knows the inside version of your dreams
or your nightmares.
No one knows you like you do.
No one.
And I know what you long for.
I know who you wait for
And I know who you ache for. . .

Don’t listen to anyone when they tell you about you.
Most people will look to keep you in a box.
Or they will look to keep you in a controlled position.
And most people will tell you what you want to hear,
or they tell you “you loo great” and they’ll do this
just to keep you obedient to their needs

However, there are some people out there who will give you the world.
There are the humble and modest few who come without glory.
Or they come without glamour and they come to you with modest gifts,
like small things that may not seem like much to you in the moment,
—but beware and yes, behold;
it is the small things that count far more than the big or the extravagant.

There are tiny little treasures that confuse the idea that bigger is better.
And there are items in this world, like diamonds which are small and yet,
collectively, a small batch of diamonds can be worth far more
than a big house or a mansion out east on Long Island.

I once saw a man brag about his brand-new car
he was boastful about the money he spent.
Meanwhile, he was telling this to a man who was quiet by nature,
he stood with a humble posture.
The man boasted about money to a man who was wealthy enough
to have a timepiece on his wrist that was worth more
than five of the brand-new cars combined.

I often wondered if after he ragged
he found out that his car was like a drop in the bucket
when compared to the collection of a billionare.

So?

Don’t get caught up in the social trades or barter yourself.
Do not listen when people tell you about how the world works
because no two things are exactly alike.

You don’t have to know everything to know how to be happy.
And sometimes, not knowing about anything
might be the happier option.
Don’t listen when someone tells you about loss or heartache or heartbreak.
No one is going to feel what you feel or see what you see.

And remember, everyone has an opinion and everyone has their advice.
Everyone has their way until it’s time to take a dose of their own medicine.

I know about what happened.
Please remember . . .
I was there too.

I know about your concerns. And I know about your taste and your fantasies.
There is nothing wrong with you being you.

Do not fit into anyone else’s mold.
Do not be afraid to try the unexplored
or the unexplained.
Be you without apology.
Be you without excusing yourself.
Be you, by any means necessary.
Make this you mission.

No one can prepare you for the life you are about to live.
Remember that.
You understand things from an obvious and intellectual standpoint.
However, emotionally, life can be confusing.
I know.

You can hear. You can touch and taste and you can see and yes,
you can smell the rain in the air.
But no one will ever know what you see from your perspective.
No one will ever experience the feeling of being inside your heart.
No one will know our joy or pain.
And perhaps no one will ever tell you
but these are the things that make you beautiful.

Not everyone who says the same thing will see the same thing.
Not everyone who loves you will love you the way you love them.

Some will want the same thing as you do.
And yes, there will be times when you have to wait your turn.
And there will be times when you wait and wait.
And you will wait for what you want and without hesitation;
I an say the waiting will be unthinkable.
Trust me.

The difference in those who achieve and succeed and those who quit
is answered by their ability to endurance.
Some will endure hell, just to get what they want.
And some will endure pain of an insurmountable proportion,
just to make their dreams come true.

Some will remain stuck or stagnant. And this hurts too
And some will stay in their comfort zone.
And they will do this regardless of the pain
or the aches they feel.

Some will allow themselves to lose to an unfortunate surrender,
which is both equally sad and painful.
However, and the moral here is that pain is always involved with life.
Pain is more dependable than any fair-weathered friend
and in the end, pain is as much of a guarantee as birth and death.

If you are going to feel it, then make your victories worth it.   

As it is . . .
You have given away too much.
You have given up too many times.

Your job from this point on is to live, love, laugh, and learn to the best of your ability.

Do not listen to advice that comes unsolicited
and do not take advice from those who you would never go
to seek advice from.
Remember the little gifts because they will be the things you remember.
It’s the little things you remember when you grow old.
And as for those who looked to keep you stuck –
or as for those who wanted you in a box for their own benefits,
—just know that you passed them long ago
when you were rising up to the middle of your achievements.  

This means you have surpassed far more than you assumed

People love overthinkers because we are easy to throw off,
and we are easy to shake because we question our path.
We worry and we lose our place in line. and yes, rest assured;
there’s always someone looking to cut in front.
People love overthinkers
This gives others who have their own motives and agendas a break.
Understand?
This gives them a hole to burst through so that they can win before we do.

And if I’m not mistaken:
Nice guys finish last, right?
That’s because nice guys aren’t in a rush
or looking to win a race.

And guess what; he who dies with the most toys still dies.
So stop and take a look around.
Take a walk. Take a break and leave your post.
Trust me
this won’t hurt.
In the end, we all go into the same size box
Billionaires, the poor, the famous, and the meek are all the same in the end.
Dead is dead which means now is the right time to live.

Don’t listen to the fuss.
learn to endure.
learn to make your pain worthy and learn to execute your decisions.
Make moves instead of sitting still, too afraid that someone might see,
or make fun of you if you fall short.

And if people choose not to like you.
or if they make fun
Fuck’em,
let them lie their own lies and die their own deaths.
Let their problems be theirs because . . .
you and I have a much different life to live.

Yeah, I guess
if I were to say anything to my younger self now,
then I suppose the above would be it.

Until tomorrow, that is.
And by then,
I’m sure I’ll have remembered all the things
I wished I said today.

Ah, overthinking . . .
You never cease to let me down.