But Teacher, I Am Trying (My Best)

I do not suppose that anyone hopes to find the obstacles ahead of them.
Yet, we all have them.
Obstacles, I mean.

I suppose if we could have it easy, then we would choose to have it easy and thus, none of us would struggle.
No one would hurt.
No one would experience the lows or fall into the pitfalls that bring us to our knees.
No.

If it were up to us, no one would choose pain over glory.
But pain is glory, —at least, in some regards.

Some people never experience life.
Some have it easy. Or at least, it seems this way.
But no one really knows.
No one knows what it takes for you to wake up. No one sees anything from your eyes.
No one knows how hard it is to get out of bed when all else is falling apart.
At least, not from your perspective.

I suppose if it were up to me, then I can say yes; if it were put to a vote of if I had the choice, then I would vote against the adversities that nearly killed me.
And though I’m alive, I have died too.
Although I walk, I often struggle to crawl.

I smile.
However, I often use this to disguise the lies or the pain which has caused me to wince at the fact that yes, today is another day.
And so,
I put on my brave face.
What else can I do?
I put o my so-called “big-boy” pants and I face what comes, like it or not.

And by the way –
Everyone is brave when there is nothing to fear.
it is easy top face danger when there is nothing dangerous ahead of you.
I say this because everyone is tough when there is nothing tough enough to challenge or threaten them.

I do not believe that fear should be what it is.
But fear?
Pain?
Both are excellent motivator.

If it were up to me, I would never die.
or better, if it were up to me, I would never be afraid to be alive.

I would never fail either.
But I have. And I do
(fail I mean)
Of course . . .
There is another truth that remains heavily overlooked:
Every life dies a little in their lifetime.

You.
me.
Us.
Everyone,

No one walks out of this place without a scratch or a bump or bruise.
And I have said this to you before, and I will say this to you again:
no one gets out of life alive.
No one.
No one walks away without a mark or a scar.
No one gets out of this place without being tested physically, emotionally or morally because when people tell us, “into each life, a little rain must fall,” they’re not just talking about the weather.
Trust me.

I am alive.
This is true, despite a outside or perhaps a popular demand.
I am alive and well, despite the opinions and the desires of other people in my life.
I am alive, and despite my best efforts, I am still breathing.
Therefore, I have the ability to change directions
or make something greater than I have ever imagined.

We are all still moving. Nothing ever really stops.
We all move regardless if we want to grow or learn or stop and be lazy and complacent.
No matter what; life is going to find a way to change our plans.

I know.

Life comes with struggles, and of course, if it were up to me, I would never have an insecure moment.
I would never feel weak or afraid.
I would never be rejected.
And neither you nor anyone else could hurt me.
However, anything else would be considered superhuman
At least; this would be superhuman to e.

If it were up to me, I would be fine to stand as I am.
I would never fear my reflection in the mirror.

No.
The girl of my dreams would be in my arms right now.
My life would be as I hoped it would be.
None of my loved ones would ever die.
And neither would you.
I swear.

If it were up to me –
There would be no such thing as cancer.
There would be no such things as viruses or diseases.
But there are because cancer exists in countless ways and as for diseases –
well?
We all have them.
Some diseases are more critical and some of the diseases we have are more apparent than others.
But the worst of the viruses are the invisible or the unseeable ones that wound us deeply, —and yet, no one knows because there is no sign or physical representation of our pain.
But you feel it all.
Don’t you?

If given the choice, no one would ever lose.
No one would choose their fights or the uphill, and the losing battles that seem to appear unwinnable and never-ending.

But what would this be?
Would this be life?
Would we even know what to do if this were to happen?
What would life be without struggle?
The fact is, I don’t know

Life comes with pain.
Life comes with struggles and life comes with adversity.
Of course it does . . .
How else would we learn?

How else do we know to be careful?
How else do we learn that fire burns?
How else do we know that lies come back to haunt us?
Or if there were no teachers, then how would we learn the differences between right and wrong?

How would we learn what to add or subtract if there was no one around to teach us the basics of math?
Life teaches us.
Life teaches us the simple calculations, which lead the most pertinent facts known to us all.
And that fact is you are always the square root to your own equation.
It all comes down to you
(Or me in my own ways.)

I am where I am as a result of where I have been.
And this is only so because I allowed my past to predict my direction.
I have allowed predictions that do not empower me to become my truth.
No one can change what happened between us.
And no one can undo the scars that dig so deep in our skin.

There are no takebacks or do-overs.
This is life, live and in-person.
As much as we wish we ca rewind, we both know that none of this is possible.

I understand that there is no changing where I have been and nor can any of us relitigate the past or change our past to something else.
The past is the past.
We are as we identify.
Unless, we change or unless we identify differently, we can be stuck to relive our conclusions and to repeat them in consecutive outcomes, again and again.

I can no longer allow myself to be a victim of this.
I can no longer accept myself as a victim of circumstance.
Or even more, I cannot and will not be a slave to situations or outcomes that are all far beyond my control.

I get it.
Pain hurts.
I get it.
Some of our storms refuse to pass
(or let us go)

I understand.
I really do.

Nothing worthy comes easy.
Victory does not come without work, and love does not come without pain.
And if it did, then the victories we have would be like playing a game with someone who lets you win. . . .
And that’s not winning. That’s not even playing.
That’s not living either.

Let me ask you –
What would our strength be like without the resistance it takes to build it?
And yes, I have been told that whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.
I have been told that God only gives us what we could handle, —and there are days, months, and even years when I wished that God had less faith in me.

“You are so strong!”

People have said this to me.
And I’m sure that people have said this to you as well.
Haven’t they?

I often wish I could be less strong and more “happy.”
Then again, I am preaching to the choir.
I know.

If it were up to me, then true love would never die.
Love would never fade or erase and become this elusive thing.
We would never fight or argue
and every kiss goodnight would lead to a sessions that was sexier than the one before it.

If it were up to me, you would never see anything unsightly about yourself.
And I say this because there is absolutely NOTHING unsightly about you.

Love would be given . . .
The obvious nature of the ones we love would never fall to the uneasy burdens of insecure questioning.
or better, if it were p to me, there would be no such thing as insecurity
I would never lose you, —if it were up to me.

There would never be any fighting, lying, cheating, or a need to seeks something “outside” and of course, there would never be a reason why our thoughts and our hearts would stray.
No one would cultivate conversations outside to find what we should be having inside.
You would be, feel, and live a fulfilled life
(If it were up to me, of course)

I would never be afraid to share myself, like I have.
My secrets would never be secretive because there would never be a threat.
You could know everything about me from my fetishes to my fears and I would never be afraid because my secrets are safe with you.
I get it . . .
In a perfect world –
No one would hide their cellphones or face the screen down on the tale, —so no one else could see the messages that come in.
These are the imperfections of our previous world.

But either way, life is life.
People lie.
Lovers do quarrel.
I have lied and I have fought.
I have been disloyal and dishonest.
I admit it
And I have done this more to myself than I have to anyone else.
This is true.

It is evident that yes, mean and angry things do happen.

People push the meat through the grinder so that the gossipers have their fat to chew.
The rumor factories and the gossip mills are all alive and well.
I know this because I get my morning paper every day, which is also called social media or otherwise known as “Fakebook”

The roads ahead will close. There will be detours.
There will be lies and deceit.
There will be enemies and bullies, and the biggest enemies and bullies of all are alive and well.
But they mostly come from within.

Essentially and figuratively speaking; I lived by the sword, and I have died by the same sword.
And yes, it’s the double-edge of the blade that cuts us deep.
Real deep.

You grow what you cultivate.
And so, I can no longer feed or grow the weeds that have consumed me and robbed me of the oxygen which I choose to call my better life.

My worst sin of all is making someone who is more beautiful than my words can convey, turn on themselves, and refuse to believe that they can ever be beautiful or beautiful enough for me.
It is an ugly and cruel thing to cause someone to feel the disbelief in their own beauty.
I am sorry for this
The again, this is why people keep each other sick.
People look to keep you stuck in a box because in my sad and timid insecurity, I realize that I am guilty and afraid.
I have kept that bullied child in my heart alive by only feeding him crumbs.

I was too afraid to let him out.
No one can see this.
No one can see him or me!

What are you, crazy?
Do you want e to expose myself?
Do you want me to appear weak or vulnerable?

Do you want me to lose my manhood?
Or is it that you want to be open to the social vultures and scavengers?
Things like this would only leave me open to an attack because in all honesty; I’m still that kid who got beat up and thrown in the bushes by my first bully in first grade.
Is that what you want?

The fact is I am not in first grade anymore.
No one is coming to hurt me.
And I don’t have to defend myself or “survive” anymore.

And you, with all my heart and all I have, —you are the one who I love most, and you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen.
No one is like you.
No one can ever be like you.
No one. . .

I have always been afraid.
Or more, I was pitifully afraid and because this was always true; I sought through any means necessary to not feel weak. I wanted to be a man but I never knew what it meant to be a man; at least, not truly.

I am weak.
especially now –

Today is Monday and the sun is out.
The snowfall over the weekend was enough to make me think of what it would be like to visit a moment with you, just us, no one else, some food, some movies on the couch, some naps, and some snow falling from a gray sky.

All else is warm in this world
And if (or when) this happens, I know that nothing came easy
But in the end, nothing worthwhile is easy.

This is what it means to live
and this—this above all
would be the only victory that I care about.

Life is meant for living
And if living is part of dying, then yes;
I have died enough to live for the rest of my life

Understand?

I’m here, God.
alive and ready,
even if only for the moment!