Snowfall.
This is the first significant one
of the season,
I assume today would be better spent
if I spent it where I want to be
instead of spending it here.
Today _
I go back to the roots of my dream
Poetry
and . . .
so . . .
I start with this –
1)
Somehow, I fear that my true voice
will cease to speak or be loud enough
and so anything I say
will lose its truth.
I am afraid of this
and that my words will never be heard
and so,
I am afraid that my truth
will refuse to shine, and then
I will never be seen
by the one person
who I have always wished
could see me.
Imagine that . . .
waving my arms
just to be seen
and hiding
all at the same time
This is crazy –
no?
I am nothing special to look at. . .
and of course; this is my fears talking
and my secrets and insecurity
which bleed louder
than I can speak
or scream.
And yet still I shout
or jump up and down
just to be seen
or noticed
and hope that somehow
you will find me in the crowd.
I never really knew how big this room
could be
until I stepped inside of this place
alone, and hurt
but on the mend .
However,
I am still on the fence
about the distance that comes between
before and after.
And to be clear,
where there is fear,
there can be distrust,
and where there is distrust
I think the unrest will say enough
to keep us divided
and let distance between two people
grow wider than our galaxy.
I am not young anymore.
Nor is anyone younger than they were
before now.
And yes, the word “before”
has always been interesting to me.
There is always “before,” and so,
there will always be an after too,
which can be indicative of our aftermath
. . . of course.
This is, of course,
a case of simple math and since
one plus one
equals two –
we have decided to up the numbers
and change the ante of our bets
by using the math of our vivid imagination
and hence
our calculations have been multiplied
by the math of our fears
that duplicate
due to the irrationality
of our inaccurate assumptions
I think you and I assume too much.
You know?.
2)
The word “before” suggest that yes,
there was a time before now.
There was and there will
always be a time
before the great wars took place.
There was a time before
the first shot was heard
And witnesses have reported
the distance murmurs of tiny screams
pleading with the sting
that lacks the virtue of truth
but cries with the angst of regret.
Telling someone,
“I never meant to say those things to you”
does not unsay the things you said.
Nor does this undo the knife
which sunk, three fingers deep
into the soul of an unfortunate heart
that was close in proximity
but of course; they nor I
nor you are guilty of the pain
which destroyed you
in the first place.
Yes, of course
There was a time
which I call before
and absolutely, yes,
there was a time,
which was not too long ago
that went on before the downside
of being a fly on the wall
took place.
I know
we can never unsee
what we saw.
There was a time
before our mental battlegrounds
were riddled with the aftermath
of bloodshed and innocent bystanders
who are no longer innocent
by any means.
Not now.
No, because now, they linger
with the option to wonder
“Hey,
what was it about me?”
Or “what was it about me
that could not help them
or set them straight?”
Or “in all honesty
what was it about me
that failed?”
because the truth is
we always want to know
“what was it about me
that could not make
them love me back?”
Those so-called innocent bystanders
lost their purity
and now,
they are only witnesses
to atrocities that had nothing to do with them.
And yet, they still paid the price;
they still hurt, and so
the torch was passed, regretfully; but still
one door closes
another opens
one dies
and somehow
you and I are on a crash course
to find a new version of life
so that we can live again.
3)
Healing our hearts
is the toughest thing we ever did –
it’s too bad
we never healed before
we passed the torch
and harmed another unarmed soul
And so . . .
we swore once more
that neither you nor I
would ever settle
yet, neither you nor I
realized that anything other than this
or us being us
is settling
for something different.
I might struggle to lay down my weapons
of both mass and self-destruction,
But I will
if you will.
That is
if you are ready
to let the dust settle
so that you and I an see clearly
again
You and I can drop the sword
at the same time
or better
we can stop the act
and realize that this is a result
of our thoughts that came after the fact
because before,
You and I
we were “US!”
we were incredible once
and we can be again
together.
4)
She swore to never adore him
for another second and yet.
she retraced the outlines of is footprints
when he walked in the door
that first time
and so
her heart’s contempt
was confused by the consent to
love someone who comes with scars
that are otherwise
undetectable
by the human eye.
He swore
that he would never be so weak again
or believe the lies
which looked much better
than her ugly truths.
They both swore
to never feel so weak
and to never fall for the tricks
and to never be found on the floor
after every piece of them broke
or shattered into different pieces.
No one asks to be
unhappy.
Everyone wants their own
happy ending
But the fears that something
which happened before
could and will be happening again
are nothing more
than private ghosts that scream like threats
from the forest
which is unseeable from the trees.
5)
I just want to be happy . . .
. . . I want to let go
and lay down my weapons
so that I can leave these wars alone
I want to feel the warmth of the fire
and let the autumn sky turn
from sunset to nighttime
and not be afraid
that somehow,
I will never see you
again.
(and yes, this is my biggest fear)
I just want to erase
the last few steps I took,
which took me too far
and pushed the world too far away.
And if it were ever possible
I want to unsay
all that I said
because of course, saying
“I didn’t mean it” does not unsay anything
and nor does it prevent the battles
which happened
and stole my heart
Sometimes saying sorry
is never going to be enough
And sometimes
all one can do
is say sorry
and stop doing the things
the both of you
always did
Therefore,
I surrender . . .
I was wrong
and with all of my heart
I will own my share
and face this consequence
so that if it happens
I will remember this truce
so that you and I
will never have to feel
like we did
and be subjected
to the threats of war
again.
The Written Addiction 