But Teacher I Am Trying (My Best)

I miss my walks. . .

I used to take these walks for a reason
I love the way early morning looks and how the sun comes up. I love the emptiness of the quiet streets in my town, which was otherwise sleeping at daybreak.
I love the way my feet felt when they hit the pavement, as if every step had its own individual purpose and yes, each step walked with intention.
I slammed my foot down as if to be determined, and I was more determined with each step.
This was great!
I swear.

I had my reasons for these walks.
I wanted to lose weight. But more, I wanted to feel better. I wanted to feel anything other than what I had been feeling, which was unhealthy, unwanted, undesirable, fat, slow, and ugly or otherwise, disgusting.

I miss the motivation I felt back then. I miss the freedom that came when I was down and out and yet, I was done with the feelings of desperation, so I decided to make a change.

I changed my eating habits, which was hard because food had become my comfort.
Eating was a great way to solve my reward system. And in fairness, I had a huge reward system.
And to be honest and clear, I have never been one to enjoy salads or much of the healthier food options.
I love food.
And I love all kinds of food.
I do . . .
This is fine but of course, the food I love sticks to the ribs and of course, the food I love more than anything are the kind of foods that link us to early deaths and preventable heart attacks.

Was I that fat?
Or was I in danger?
Absolutely.

I suppose my problem is where would my comfort come from if I chose to eat different meals.
I do not believe in substitutions or meals that look the same and they are called the same; yet, they are not the same.
I never liked the flavor of fat-free things.
And sugar?
She is my first true love.
I suppose I can say that I am a fast food junkie.
I love cakes and snacks and yes, I love the sugary drinks of all kinds. 

I love food. I do.
I love friend food, fast food, and food with sauce, food with bread, and more than anything, I loved the feeling of eating until satisfaction.
I loved the fact that I could eat A LOT and keep going.
There was pride with this.
Big time.

I often overdid myself and I often ate myself into the tired food comas, or as it was explained to me; I ate myself into a narcotized state of existence.
I’d pass out and later regret what I ate or how much with some kind of food induced hangover.

And yes, I knew this was bad for me.
I knew this was getting out of control.
At the same time, I was blind to so many things.
I was blinded by the soothing feelings that came with the satisfaction of flavor.
This was how I solved my need for rewards.
Plus, good food makes you feel better.

I didn’t realize that I became a heavy breather or that I’d wheeze as much as I did.
I knew my waist size grew, but I laughed this off and said how I had a healthy appetite,
Not to mention the fact that I am “a man” and real men eat a lot of food after a hard day at work.

I knew I gained weight but the changes in my appearance were unclear. I had no idea what I grew into until one day, I saw a picture and asked myself, out-loud, “who the hell is that fat fuck?”
And what struck me harder is that I realized the picture was me.
I was that guy.
I was the guy who grew and somehow, I didn’t realize how close I was coming to being unhealthy and overweight.

 Ah, the coming to awareness moments.
They are hard but they can be life changing as well

I miss the way I felt when I walked and saw my success come to fruition.
I miss the feeling I had when the morning was fresh and the winds were cool, but I . . .
I was committed to shedding my weight.
I refused to give up.
I needed to do this.
I needed this because once I realized what I had become, I knew that no one should ever see themselves in the mirror and view their reflection with disgust or contempt.

I do not have the same schedule anymore and nor do I have the same freedoms.
I am fortunate to say that I do not have the same waistline either.
I still have the same drive to look better, feel better, and more, I still want to live better—one day at a time.

 I say this because I was hurt for a while.

I had to lay off the gym and my usual routine.
I can see how easy it is to slip back into that old, personalized cocoon, which is lazy as ever, pointless and seemingly enough to confuse the heart and soul into believing that I am either powerless or meaningless.
But I am neither

Sleep . . .
you and I have not always been on good terms.
But I’m willing to work with you, if you will work with me.
Life . . .
you and I have a love/hate relationship.
And I need to make adjustments.
Love . . .
Your elusiveness and letdowns have hurt me but my dreams of being where I want to be in my life are enough to outweigh the pain.
Work . . .
You and I have to choose to agree to disagree (sometimes) and now more than ever, I need to make the idea of “working for a living,” become something that works better for me.

I never want to look at my reflection in the mirror and be disgusted or find that I am in contempt with my reflection.

Replacing thought with action was my mantra for a very long time.
I couldn’t change my weight overnight,
I couldn’t change the fact that I ate my way into the beginning stages of obesity or that I ate my way into becoming diabetic (type 2)

No action is more empowering than the counteraction of a life undesired.

My walks . . .

I remember the beginning.
And the walks were a struggle for me.
There were times when I swore I was going to pass out or die because I was too tired and out of shape.
I lost the weight, but more, I lost the contempt and the disgust I felt for myself.
I can feel the old thoughts creeping in though.
But overcoming the feelings of being useless and fat was amazing to me.

And that feeling is something that I both love and miss the most—

It’s like that first time you crossed the finish line in a race that you never thought you could finish, let alone win, until you did it.

These are great feelings to have and these are great times to live in because despite the maze and despite the aches or the struggles we have, you and I can do far more than we realize.All we have to do is replace thought with action and take the rest as it comes, one step at a time.