But Teacher, I Am Trying (My Best)

There’s no way back.
Or better yet, there’s no way to go back to what was said or change what happened.
This is a great lesson to learn.
You cannot change or relitigate the past.
And this is another great lesson to learn.

Whatever could have (or should have) happened, did happen, and no amount of pretending or avoiding or negotiating can change what took place.
So, learn.
Open your eyes.
Pay attention.
And learn your lesson.

Ah, the wind.
it’s cold this morning.
February 2026, wintertime.
The temperature has risen to a balmy 26 degrees today, which is considerably warmer than the days before

I am standing at a window, facing west, and scanning over the memorial Pools of Ground Zero, also known as The Twin Towers, World Trade Center.

I love watching the ice moving across the top of The Hudson River.
it is not a warm picture by any means, but I do appreciate the beauty of what I see.

I can see the river from the windows at work, which is new to me and yet, I am not so new anymore. I shake my head at the fact that another anniversary has gone by.
Another year on the job, so-to-speak.
My jobsite is new to me but my work is the same as it was since 1998.

It is crazy to think about this, but I have been doing the same work for a while now.
I am far from young and not too far from retirement.
Yet, still, a piece of me refuses to grow old or grow up. A part of me still wants to hold the angst and the outrage of wild youth because a piece of me still wants to cling to the rebellions of my younger years.
Although, and in all fairness, I have to admit that my youth had more energy and to add humor, my youth never went to bed before 9:00pm.
But I’m fine with this.
I don’t mind going to bed early.
Not at all

Still—

I have needs.
I have wants and urges.

I want to stand somewhere and enjoy the nighttime.
I want to watch the stars twinkle in the sky.

I want to feel the nightlife surge through my body and let something, like, say, the music from the Cuban district in Miami overwhelm me and cause me to dance accordingly to the rhythm of Salsa music.

I’ve never quite done this before and yes, this is a bucket list item for me.
Even if I do this alone . . .
This is something I have to do.

I have never really left the country and no, I have no place or destination in mind.
And yes, I have the need to see the sunrise above turquoise waters.
I have the need to let the white sands lace my feet while I lay back on the beach at some remote island.

I am fine to realize that life changes.
And furthermore, I am fully aware that there are never any certainties.
Life does not come with guarantees to which I get it.
I see this all too clearly.
Plans are only plans.
I know.
Anything can happen, including the impossible.
But bet well.
Risk everything
But play safe and be prepared to win or lose.
But by all means, live, love, laugh and learn.

Safe to say that most of my plans did not go as planned.
Safe to say that I am not where I thought I would be.
Safe to say that I misused my time.
I misused people and I misused love.

Safe to say that the clock is ticking and I’m running low on timeouts.
There really are no do-overs and catching lightening in a bottle is not something that happens often, so hold what you have and be sure to value everyone and everything.

Safe to say that I have things that are left undone.
Safe to say that I have words that are still unsaid.

Safe to say that life, and time, and experience are the teachers that teach us lessons—and more to the point, if we fail to listen or pay attention, like any teacher, life will make us stay after class or repeat the lessons—until we get it right.

I had a conversation with a troubled child about school and their school work.
They hated school.
They hated the punishment they received when coming home.
“I just want to be happy” said the child.
“I want to have fun.”
As someone who had their own challenges with school the child and I related to one another.

I informed the young one of my toughest lesson.
You have to do your time.
No matter what.
If you mess around in class, or if you skip, or if you say to hell with classwork and fuck homework, I get it.
But you still have to serve your time
Whether you do your time in the classroom or when you face the punishment at home, you’re going to have to serve your time somewhere.
It’s like they say in jail –
Do your time
Don’t let your time do you.

I fucked around a lot.
I shook too many trees and caused too many disturbances because I didn’t like the time I had to serve.
I made others pay.
But we all have to serve time and pay our dues
And if you fail to pay them “here and now,” then you’ll have to pay them, “There and later.” because at the end of the day, the Beast always comes to collect.
So never borrow what you can’t pay.
Never let the interest build up.
And never let yourself dig such a hole that your emotional bankruptcy buries you alive.

Trust me, this is a great lesson to learn . . .

I remember The Old Man being frustrated with me when I’d fail to grasp information.
I remember teachers losing their patience when I couldn’t grasp the lessons they taught me.
I never wanted to let them down.
I never asked to struggle in class.
I never wanted to be that way or this way.
And I certainly never asked for my past to distract my future enough to later become another stream of an unwanted history.

It is safe to say that I have seen a new sunrise today.
It is a new year and no, I am not one to say things like, “new year, new me.”
I never say that because I am always me.
And no matter how I disguise or decorate myself, I will always be me, even when I try to be someone else.

I think I need a night out.
I think I need a walk down the beach, say, like along the water by Fort Lauderdale.
I used to ask the winds to take away my sadness when Mom was dying.
And maybe the winds couldn’t help me
But the beach was comforting.

I think I need a vacation.
I need some time away, which is not to insult anyone else or to offend my circle of influence.
No.
I think I need to let myself go, even if only for a few days.
I think this is a good idea, just to go, or just to take off on an airplane.
I want to land someplace warm, sit on the beach, feel the sun on my skin, enjoy the starlight and the moonbeams over the palm trees, and then . . .
I can come back to the snow and slush and the freezing New York City bullshit and feel a little more refreshed.

There really are no insults anymore.
There are no intrusions.
There’s nothing left to complain about.
The past is gone.
Today is all I have (for now)

Time is teaching me that time is always moving and yes, I can be mad or I can complain, but in the end, all the time and energy is spent being mad and then it’s gone—and then what?

If I am not where I want to be and at best, I am only where I am supposed to be, then what needs to happen to make a change for the better?
What needs to change?
What can I do first?
Time is limited. Therefore, I only have a few more trips around the sun, and even that can change or be taken away in a heartbeat..

Right now . . .
  . . . now is a good time to set a few goals
  . . . to make a plan
  . . . to find a strategy
  . . . and make things happen.

See that, Teacher?
I am learning.

When people show you who they are,
Believe them.
Never beg.
Never borrow without repaying.
When you’re wrong,
Admit it.

When you cross the street
Look both ways and hold hands where and whenever possible..
And whenever you get the chance to dance beneath the stars
dance like it’s both your first and last time to enjoy the music.

This will be a good thing to remember at the twilight of my life –