But Teacher, I Am Trying (My Best)

At the risk of repeating myself, gone is gone.
Dead is dead and buried is buried.
We all know this.
Or maybe I repeating myself when I say that we all know this from an intellectual standpoint.
Emotionally, however, emotions are a different story altogether.

No amount of pleading with fate or begging for something to rewind or replay can change what took place.
We know this to.
Yet, still, we try.
We beg.
We pray and we ask.
Please, just one more chance??

And sometimes, two things never go back together.
This is just the way things go.
And often, never is never, always is always, and nothing can negotiate the truth or the fact that we will never be able to reclaim something once it’s gone.
Mark well the life you have.
Learn well from the ones you love and learn more from the ones you hate because they can teach you more about yourself than you think.

Sometimes our breaks and our rides on the waves come to a halt, or they crash and tumble.
And I get it.
This kicks up the sand a little bit.
I get it.
Be careful of the rocks because the waves can crash there too, and the rocks are far from as gentle as the soft sand.
But again, we all know this.

I have no more time to waste on regret.
Time is too short and too precious.
But more, time is too worthy to me now.
Every second has to have meaning because I am operating on the downswing or approaching the afternoon hours of my life, coasting towards the evening. And, so, I have to value every minute before my maker meets my twilight.
Time is too valuable, specially now that I can see how my time is running out.

Waste nothing.

I have no more time or energy to waste on the lies or the rejections that come from my regrettable yesterdays.
I have let this go, just like the tide after it takes away the unwanted sediments from the shore and takes them out to sea.

If I was supposed to be anyplace else, then I would be somewhere else, right now, in fact.
I would be anywhere else, other than here.
But I am not.
I am—and so, I am not here because of happenstance.
No, and perhaps due to circumstances beyond my control, I am where I am, and I’m at where I’m at. Therefore, and for the time being; I will be where I will be.

Nothing can debate this fact or delete my history.
Therefore, I need to collect my belongings so that I can take an honest and fair assessment.
Cut my losses.
Save my gains.
And go

By the way, moments of awareness come in various forms and teach us that some of our biggest losses are actually our biggest gains.
Trust well, the process of how life melts the gold so that the impurities can burn out.
And that’s the thing.
Gone is gone.
And that’s not bad.

There’s no more right or wrong.
There’s no more reasons to find out who I should blame.
Who is at fault?
The bottom line is who cares?
The outcome is the same.
And whether this is all on me or otherwise; no matter what, my life always going to be all on me—and so, if this is on me, then let me take myself from where I am so that I can go where I want to be.

“She lied to you.”
I know . . .

First and foremost, I understand that we want things.
I understand we want life to work a certain way.
And we hope for these things.
We beg, same as I mentioned in a paragraph above.

Maybe we pray.
Or maybe we plead for something so hard and so deep.

Maybe we try and make a deal.
Maybe we look to pull a trick and so, we offer a trade.
But the devil’s deals are not always on the up and up.
Or maybe we look up at the sky and ask God and say, “I promise I’ll be good from now on.”

But sometimes, or even oftentimes, God says no.
Sometimes, fate says the same thing.
Sometimes destiny has something else in mind and the bottom line is the answer is this: NO!

So it goes . ..
I guess.

I have no time to waste on anything that does not help to serve me or make me stronger.
I have no time to entertain the pretty lies which I hoped would disguise the ugly truth.
Or perhaps I can refer to what Nietzsche said and express the popular quote, “Whatever does not kill me only serves to make me stronger.”

Well?
I can be honest here.
I can say that I’d be fine to be less strong.
And who says life does not kill us?
Who says we only die once?
On the contrary.
I believe we die more times than we can count.

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, right?
I’d be fine to be weaker.
Or perhaps I’d be fine to be less alive.
And yes, I would be happy or even overjoyed to have less weight on my shoulders.
Then I could just “walk away” right/
I could move with less on my back and this would make the stride easier on my legs.

“Just walk away”
Lies hurt.
But the truth can and will set you free.

How do I realign myself?
I think this is a great question.

How do I step differently now after walking the same way for decades?
I think this is even better.

What is it like to train oneself to write with their left hand after being righthanded for an entire life?
I think about this . . .

I can say the unfairness or the strangeness of starting over can seem this way.
Everything is new and awkward.
The fall to the bottom is uncomfortable to say the least.

You have to start all over again.
What a bitch!!

You have to figure out which way to go, which side of the bed to sleep on, and you have to figure out where to leave your keys, or who to talk to when the apartment is empty . . .

I get it.
I mention this because I am faced with a new fascination of being older.
I have aged far longer than I assumed I would
And here I am, seeing life in a new way.
And yes, this can be just as strange as training yourself to write or draw with your opposite hand.
I get it.
This can be just as intimidating as stripping yourself of everything you have, wiping the slate clean, and starting over with zero—or starting from scratch.

What a bitch!

Dead is dead.
Gone is gone.
Buried is buried.

And sometimes, it’s like the saying—never the twain shall meet.
Sometimes, we are nothing more than two ships, passing in the night.
Sometimes, we manage to find the right path.
Or we find the right people—and yes, the right ones make all the difference in the world.
And remember—remember the smiles of others are not always friendly.
Not every promise is kept.
Not all confidence between you and someone you cared for is kept confidential. And this, —this above all is brutal, painful, and more than anything; this is an unfortunate fact that not everyone keeps their word.

Revenge is out there.
I know.
Enemies are at the gates.
Stalkers lick their chops like tiny predators who move like scavengers that cannot hunt in open sight because, after all, they are too weak, too unsightly, ugly as sin, or too hideous to themselves to fight or respond in the light of fair and open territory.

I laugh at this –

I laugh because in the end, I will have wasted time on the wrong people.
Again.

What a waste . . .
Why fight?
Why argue?
Why not go, be, and do.
Let “their” pathetic lives be “theirs.” is the greatest suggestion I’ve ever heard.

I was taught that our mental health is the way we live, love, laugh, and learn.
Anything that affects these things is something that affects our mental health.

And yes, I have made my mistakes.
But at least, or at minimum, I’m not lying to anyone anymore.
I’ve hit my bottom.
I don’t live two lives. I don’t have to order two meals in the two-faced world—as if to say, I don’t have to order two meals; and one to feed each face.
I don’t have to like the outcomes, because I don’t, —and I don’t have to be happy about what took place.
But I don’t have to lie about who I am, who I love, or the unfortunate affairs of the heart.

Below were the hardest lessons but the most valuable ones—
Know when to walk away.
Know when to invest.
Know when your heart is uneasy.
Know when you’ve had enough or when you just can’t take it anymore.

Dead is dead.
Gone is gone.
Buried is buried
And yes, while the term “never” is a very long time, sometimes, the word never fits just fine
And that’s not a bad thing.

Accept what is
Do what you can.
Take a step in the direction you choose.
And do this every day.

Do this and see how this affects the way you live, love, laugh and learn.

Someone asked me what I think it means to be “mentally healthy.”
I won’t say this means nothing hurts or that nothing goes wrong.

But I will say that I can recuperate or regain my composure.
I can at least believe and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I can go and be and do.
And I can find new ways to live, to love, and to laugh.
I think this is my best answer because I’ve learned that life keeps moving.
I know it can’t rain forever, and even enemies grow tired.
No one can kill me forever.
Except for me, of course.

But as I see it, my story is only beginning
My past is the only thing that’s over.