If I am to find whatever it is or whatever it takes to get me to where I need to be, then I have to look and be willing to do whatever it takes to get wherever this is.
By any means. No excuses.
And should my fears intimidate me get in my way, then I must allow the depths of my will and intent to grow stronger.
I must let my will and my intent gain the strength it takes to outweigh the whispers that shout louder than my insecure screams.
There is no such thing as being inferior.
Understand?
If I am to be the person I choose to be, then I have to take the steps to achieve whatever it takes to get me to where I need to be.
And so, make no mistake.
If it is up to me.
Then it is up to me.
And so . . .
I say this now—
To hell with the social bullies and to hell with the irrational fears or my personal intimidations.
To hell with the fear of heights or the uphill climbs it takes to get over the mountains in my way.
To hell with the social snobs and the educational bullies.
To hell with the positional biases and my attention to status that have otherwise prevented me from trying my best.
In fact, tell hell with everything that caused me to quit before I even began.
To hell with the fears that perhaps I am seen as less-than, or that I sound or look stupid.
No one else has the right to limit me, and so, this means that you and I have no right to limit ourselves.
Not at all.
No one born of the flesh is above the true laws of nature.
No one beats the truth.
No one can stop the fact that time wins all battles.
Therefore, if time is undefeated and if it is true what they say about life, and that no one makes it out alive, then it is up to me to live to the best of my ability, and without apology.
To hell with the enemies at the gates.
No one is better.
To hell with my enemies because like me, they have their own enemies too.
Everyone has at least one. But moreso, to hell with my enemies because as my enemies face me, they have enemies who are currently facing their rear-flanks, which leaves them exposed.
So, while their attention is on me, their life is wasting and their enemies are closing in, —and therefore, I cannot waste another day on the worries that somehow, my enemies will attack.
Let them have their own battles.
I cannot worry if someone will attack and infiltrate my weakness to exploit me and expose my truths.
And so, such is life while looking over my shoulder. This is a life that consists of being heated and mad.
And such is driving in a car at full speed and only minding the business in your rearview mirror.
This is what destines us to crash.
Maybe it is true.
Maybe there is no backup. Maybe some battles are all too lonely.
And I get that.
Or maybe there’s no one coming to save me.
Maybe this is personal or coincidental.
Who knows?
And maybe this is true for all of us.
Yes. Maybe that’s it.
And despite the olive branches and favors; we all have to save our own Goddam life, each and every day, from now until our last and final breath.
Maybe it’s true.
Maybe there’s never enough hours in a day.
Maybe we only notice how there’s never enough time when time runs out.
Maybe there’s never going to be enough coffee or enough caffeine.
Or maybe there’s never going to be enough of anything, in which case, we might as well learn how to be comfortable with our discomforts and make due with what we have.
What do you think?
And, in all fairness, perhaps the answer to our prayers is “no!”
Maybe the answer is as simple as that.
I asked for something huge.
I was told no . . .
But, maybe the word “no,” is not as bad as we think.
Or maybe not getting what we want opens us to a new and greater picture.
And so, in the end, we get what we need.
And so, we grow.
We move.
We migrate to where we are supposed to be.
However, I offer and contend that true growth and the best victory of all is not to look back and say “I won,” but the true victory is to realize how meaningless people can be, especially when they lie.
I understand that hindsight has perfect vision.
I see this now.
Of course, I do.
I understand why we look back and see what we missed.
But look up. Look ahead.
Or better yet –
“Eyes front,” just like the teacher used to tell us.
We needed to have our “Eyes front” when the teacher was writing the next lesson on the blackboard.
So –
Look at the horizon.
Look at the sunrise and the colors in the sky.
Close your eyes and picture the most beautiful things you have ever seen.
I know what mine are.
I know about a particular sunset on the beach.
I know about the sunrise.
I know about a drive through my old neighborhood at sunset.
I know how this took place in the summertime and I remember the feeling inside of my heart.
And I remember that yes, maybe this could be something more than just a drive to find out about the unknown.
Maybe there is something out there.
Maybe there is something more to all the pitfalls and setbacks.
And come to think of it, maybe this journey of mine has shown me that life can easily be wasted on those who do not deserve our attention.
I found a shell on the beach at Point Lookout.
This was no ordinary shell.
And this was no ordinary time.
I was pleading with the Heavens.
I was begging for a sign.
I was asking for hope and for help.
And just like that; there it was.
This is the best shell I’ve ever found.
The empty shell was from a large snail called the Knobbed Whelk, which is beautiful to say the least.
But more, I saw this as a sign
I saw this as an acknowledgement.
I saw this as an answer, as if to say, “Yes.”
“We see you and we hear you.”
I see this as the Ever-Loving, from up and above.
I see this as something from those who look over me.
This is from those, up above, who comfort me.
This is them saying, “We understand.”
But I am not clear.
I have too many obstacles and too much that blurs my vision.
However –
I do believe this.
I believe the eyes in Heaven never blink.
But we do,
You and I blink.
We close our eyes to see something that’s not there.
We close our eyes to dream.
Or in the simplest terms, we close our eyes because we are of the flesh. Understand?
And since we are of the flesh, we close our eyes to blink.
The eyes in Heaven never do this.
The reason for this is our vision is only as perfect as our flesh allows it to be.
“That which is of flesh, is of flesh.”
“And that which is of spirit is of spirit”
Therefore, the eyes in Heaven see things in ways that neither you nor I can comprehend.
Same as the over-protective Mother or Father cannot bubble-wrap the world, no one can soften the sharp edges and dull the corners to keep us safe
Life has to happen to us all.
The Ever-Loving above cannot stop this.
No one gets out of this place alive. No one escapes unscathed or without a scratch. And nor can the Angels who hover over us, save us.
No one can stop life because in the end, there is a path which has been pathed for us.
It has taken me 53 years, 4 months, and 26 days to get where I am now.
In total, this is 19,506 days or 2,786 weeks.
Or if I continue the scale, I have been around for 468,144 hours. And, as of this minute while I write to you; I have been here, alive and in-person for 28,088,640 minutes.
And rather than account for the seconds or break this down even further, I have to realize that all of this accounts for something.
I have to open my eyes.
I have to pay attention.
I remember when I was entering what’s known as “the rooms,” and attended a meeting that talked about the 12 steps and the 12 traditions.
I was told to take the cotton out of my ears and put them in my mouth.
I was also told to “Shut up and listen!”
(By the way, there’s a great song called Shut Up and Listen by The N.Y Citizens. I like it. And I think you would too.)
I was told to shut up and listen.
But no . . .
I suppose I can call my resistance another brand of ignorance. And sure, I was ignorant.
I was ignorant because of course, I always thought that I knew better.
Perhaps I can associate my challenges with capricious youth.
And that seems like a good excuse too.
I can say that I jumped over dollars to collect the pennies in my “Penny-wise, dollar-foolish” moments.
Sure. I did this too.
And yes, I can attest to the losses and my bankruptcies, which spanned from all types, such as financial, emotional, personal and equally intimate as well.
I have ridden high and crashed far lower than the gates of hell intended me to fall.
But to hell with the Devil.
Or so I’ve heard people say.
To hell with the battles.
To hell with the fights that no longer deserve my attention.
To hell with the gossip mills and the rumor factories.
To hell with the unwanted version of life.
To hell with the troublemakers in the back of the classroom who interrupt the lessons on the blackboard.
And to hell with the life behind me or the people who remain in it.
All of it was a lie.
So, now . . .
I’m looking for my truth.
It is said that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.
Okay then
Here I am
Dear Mr. Nastri and you too Mr. Scheer –
I was too far gone to take you up on our offers when I was a kid.
And as of this moment, you are both too far gone from my reality to help me.
But I have to say this before I close.
I think you should know that you left an impression on someone who will never forget that yes, there are real teachers in this world. And not every teacher is mean or looks to humiliate their students.
You both taught me that not every teacher is meant to teach.
Thank you.
Both of you.
I know there are real Angels on Earth.
And at the same time, no, there are no safe places in the real world. And last I checked, we still need to look both ways before crossing the street.
No one is coming to save your life, kid!
The best idea is to save yourself
and fight back with all you have
Never give up
Never surrender
Never fall backwards once you get the courage to leap forwards.
United we stand
Divided we fall, and so, to you –
to the love of my life
Take my hand, please, so this way—
You and I will never fall
Again~
I promise.
The Written Addiction 