And This? This is More

In the spirit of making this easy, I can’t say that I know where fantasies come from. I cannot say where my fascinations came from or how they began.
I know that I consider myself to be open-minded. I do my past to be perceptive and pay attention.
I can’t say that I am a person without challenges or problems.
I am as crazy as anyone else here in this world.
I have a drive.
I certainly appreciate the swerve of a woman’s body.

At the same time, I cannot say that I have a type or a style. No, and to be very clear, I have said this to you before. But in the interest of discovery and to further the meaning of this journal; please allow me to repat myself.
I have a feeling or a connection, and this? This is my type.
Looks and body parts are attractive. But this?
This is more.

I believe in chemistry. I believe in the internal alarms which ring out, and you can feel this.
You can tell. You know there’s something to this person
And that’s the only way I can describe the feeling.
You might not know how big or good or bad the interaction will be.
But you know . . .
Something in you looks at someone, and just like that; you know
You know that something is going to happen between you.
I believe in this.
I have seen this and felt this and sadly, I have abused this miracle to the point here I fear this might not happen again; and hence, I wait.

I understand that this has occurred with others or this has occurred with more than one person and yet, I believe there is a time when that one special person appears or walks through the door and something in you “clicks”

you just know . . .

Now, as for the exploration or the sexual adventures.
Yes, I feel this too.
I think this person is not only irresistible and unforgettable, but when all theories apply, “she” is the one and only and like the sun, I can only worship her by drenching myself in her light.
I swear –
When you see “her” or feel “her”
you know . . .

There are no things too taboo.
Nothing can turn you off and yes, you live like this; in love and in a constant state or permanant arrousal.
I believe this.
I felt this
And now with you, or for you, I wait to feel this in ways that are both insurmountable and equally unstoppable.

I am not sure why we like what we like.
Then again, I can’t say why I like steak or chicken and only certain kinds of fish
.
Tastes and flavors change.
So has my appreciation for finer dining.
So, hence, she is my best, last, final, and only meal that I want for the rest of my life.

At the same time, I want to change the way I interact.
I want to rewire and reset the way I view intimacy.

I think sex is more than the act itself and even more, I think there should be foreplay before the foreplay. I do believe it is possible to live in a constant state of orgasmic appeal, especially when connected with “the one.”

I think the build up is what makes the final bow the greatest feeling. I think the courtship phase should never end.
And yes, when the orchestra takes hold and the chorus is sweet, —I want this to be ongoing and always.
Of course, I do.
I think there is a difference between sex and sexual. I think there are different levels and degrees of intimacy.

I want this.
All of it.
I want everything.
I want more.
Of course, I do
And who wouldn’t want more?

I want the feeling that erupts within me when I feel the warmth of her body. I want to feel her legs wrap in mine as we lay in bed, —and yes, I get the fact that reality and fantasy can vary in different ways, and yes, breaths smell, people snore, but at the same time, —none of these things matters in the grand scheme of things.
I know this. But more, I know why nothing else matters.

I know what it means to be alone. Or more, I know what it means (or feels like) to be alone in crowds or to be mismatched and in the wrong place at to sit at the wrong time and with the wrong people.

I know this well.
too well.
But not anymore and never again.

I know the struggle and the sad feelings of wishing I was somewhere else.
I know what it’s like to wish I was with someone else too
And that sucks . . .
I know the pain of wishing I could go back in time and resay something differently.
But time does not allow for things like this and so, we waste valuable moments, wishing we could go back or be someplace else.

I have hurt enough.
Yes. I have
I have been hurt enough and felt enough pain.
I have passed this along, almost like a torch, to which I will have to pay for this.
Yes, I will. Of course, I will
you can’t hurt people and get away with this . . .
no

We all have to pay our debts.
No one gets away without paying their bill.
Karma is real and she can be hungry and angry bitch at times.
But wait—

What if?
What if I put this out there?

What if I tell the universe to please take me as I am
(and heal me)
or what if I allow myself the right to change and thus, what if I put this out there so that I will be ready?
What if today puts me one step closer to where I am supposed to be?
I will never accept a substitute again.
Never.
I have one love and yes, you know who you are.
You’ve always known and so, I refuse to go away or go down without fighting for you.

What if I work on this, one piece, one second, one minute, hour, or what if I go at this one day at a time?
And so, when or if the day comes and I can have you; I will let go of my bullshit ego and pain, and I will rest my sword and shield because at last, the fight is over.

I don’t ever want to fight again, —that is of course, if the fights can be avoided.
but sometimes . . .
Sometimes you have to fight
You have to go “All in!”
You have to give everything you have, even if it means death or rejection, —you have to fight until the end.

I don’t know why I am so distracted or fascinated.
I can’t say that I am clear on this.
But it is what it is.

I see the way curves fill clothes.
I love this.
I love the way eyes somehow glisten in the light.
Your eyes, specifically.

I love the ideas of candlelight and snowy nights when it’s warm inside and cold outside.
I love the idea of taking a ride to nowhere.
No plans or destination in mind.
We can find a small place to eat, in the middle of nowhere, and order food or a good bowl of soup.

I want a picnic.
(Please?)
I want to redo my life but I can’t.
I want another chance at my childhood.
But this is not possible.
So, for now, I will regain my youth by being honest about my dreams.

I want to run and catch fireflies.
I want that feeling I had in mid-summer on a farm.
This was just before the sunset.
I was 18 and clean in a new way.
I was drinking fresh lemonade, and I want to re-enact this to some degree with you, my love.
I want to sit by a small pond away from the world.
I want to watch the sunset and feel that same feeling I had when I was a kid because this is how you make me feel (like a kid again!)
I want to show you this place, if at all possible.
I want to share this with you because out of the things I have, this one is precious.
This is more than just a place.
This is the spot of a special rebirth.
This is where my old self died and where I buried my story.
This is where the Long Island was laid to rest and I became his result.
I dealt with the loss of my Father here.
I grew up here.
I lived and died here.
I have nothing else this precious.
So, I have to go to an old people to share what i have learned about things like this.

I remember a man who told me about a poem.
This was not his and nor is the poem mine.
This was a [poem told to me by a man who knew I needed help.
And this man has long passed away.
But his poem remained with me
and so will his love and care for me.

“A bell is not rung, until you ring it
and a song is not sung, until you sing it
 . . . and love in your heart
was not put there to stay
for love isn’t love,
until you give it away.”

I heard that poem when I was in my mid-twenties.
I had ;legal problems, abandonment issues, relationship problems, and worse, I wanted to die.

I only heard this poem twice –
However, the poem was meaningful enough to commit this to memory.

It only took me close to 30 years to understand the meaning behind the poem.
But hey,
better late than never
Right?

Take this
you can have it all
for my love is not love
unless you take this from me

Please