And This? This Is More

I can’t say that yesterday was my last lecture. But I can say that yesterday was my last lecture of its kind.
And yes, this hit me hard. This also points out that despite our plans and our wishes, life makes changes no matter how we wish for something else.

Back when I was a boy, I suppose I would always be the way I was. I never assumed my Father would die or that his business would fold or go under.
I assumed that I would work in our family business.
But life and the fortune tellers of fate and destiny had other plans for me.

I have been doing college lectures since before and after the pandemic hit. I loved every minute of this.
Sincerely.

These lectures have all been meaningful to me because first, at no point would I have ever believed that I would be in a college classroom again.
I never assumed that I would walk around lost on a college campus, let alone searching for a classroom that I would lecture in. I never believed that I would be part of college classes or be part of an advanced psychology final examination.

Again, I see the cold and hard truth that time and change are both undefeated. Time moves and change is unavoidable.
This is a fact.

I hold the memories of my times at the college like tiny victories.
I hold them tight and keep them close to my heart.
I have more than one victory here and I report this to you for more than one reason.

I have love in my heart and memories that are bittersweet, but in the end, time and change are always moving.
I get it.
Nothing is ever guaranteed.
No one is guaranteed to be there forever.
I see that.
I suppose all I can do is adapt or adjust and move along too.

I have had the chance to live, love, laugh, and learn with experiences like this.
And no . . . 

No one wants a good thing to end. And yes, the ending to this is hard for me. I say this because the ending of my lectures mark like an exclamation point to the changes I have faced over the last few years.

No one ever wants to lose their life.
No one wants to lose their mind or their job or their money.
No one wants to lose their love either.
No one . . .
I have been told about the three major changes in life, which are love life, home life, and our professional life.
All three of these things have changed for me.
And yet, here you are with me now.
Perhaps you are not with me physically
But you are here with me.

However, last night was somewhat of a final farewell.
And I wish you could have seen this.
I wish you were there to hear what was sad after I spoke.

I have met great people over the last few years.
Some were young. Some were older.
All of the people I have have been impactful to me. However, some are more impactful than others.

Some of the people I’ve met have shown me that there is a path ahead for me. Some have shown me that ignoring my truths or my desires is both meaningless and painfully degrading.
So, put simply, “Don’t do that!”

Some of the people I have met were trying to maneuver through life. They were looking to make a change for themselves.
I look back at this and realize that inspiration can be found anywhere.

Some of the people I’ve met exceeded their expectations and surpassed their dreams.
I want this . . .

Some of the people I met dwindled and whether I am remembered or forgotten by them is unknown to me.
But this is life.
People come
People go.
This is how things are.

People move or or elsewhere.
Some people are otherwise invisible in this world, and I suppose they are either working, doing what they planned, and living their best life
I met a lot of people over the last few years.
They amaze me.

All of them.

Time is always going to move.
And age or change?
Both are always going to be just as undefeated as time.
We know this.

This leads me here . . .
Where am I now?

I have been told that “you are always exactly where you are supposed to be.”
Of course, we are.

Yet, there are times, days, months and especially the last few years when I am where I am and still; somehow, I know there is something out there, waiting for me.
I know I have to move.
I have to go, be, and do.

I use this idea and keep it in my virtual bag of tiny treasures, which are depleting and few, —but still, I have these little victories and bittersweet memories that lead me back to better days.

Ah . . .
The best feeling I ever had was defying an old narrative of mine.
But even more, the most accomplished feeling I’ve ever had was seeing the look in someone’s eyes, someone who loves me, someone who cares, and seeing someone who believes in me sitting in the crowd, —and I swear, nothing in this world, not even the best brand of heroin was a high like this to me.

Hence, this is why I have to redefine myself and recreate my position. It’s time to make an adjustment.
I have to adapt and move because if this is exactly where I am supposed to be—and if where I am needs to change, —then I have to be just as undefeated as both time and change.

Nothing happens if nothing happens.
So?

I have always wanted to be “Someone.”
I have always wanted “Something.”
It isn’t unthinkable to want to be better than our dreams.
It isn’t unthinkable for me to wish for this or for us or “for you.”

It is nice to be a good part of something.
It was nice to be received or be considered and thought of the way the students received me.

I am not so much at a loss as I am in the middle of another transition. And this is what happens with life and with age.

Whether this is late or not; I’m awake now.
My eyes are wide open.

I remember hearing a poem, and the poet read, “if it is up to me, then it is up to me.”

And while no one owns truth or the words that repeat truth; I have to accept ownership of this because if it is up to me to make my life what I want it to be—then it is up to me.

Nothing else can or will change this fact.

I do believe in the wild and different combinations of the world and that somehow, this crazy universe leads us in directions which are unknown to us—and all of this is for a reason. Every step, every decision we make, every door we close or open leads to a new combination of events.

I believe this.

I know . . .

Nothing in the world is as euphoric or as meaningful as the love we feel for each other.
Nothing beats this kind of euphoria for me and yet, we fail to see or realize how valuable love is.

I can’t understand why we waste so much time fighting or arguing or trying to be right.
I never want to fight again.
Unless, of course, I am fighting for the value of having you with me.

I think about the people who I will call “the lucky ones.”
I think about the ones who had love and never let go, never looked back, never wavered, faltered or swayed.
I envy this.
I admire them

I want this.
Now, and forever.
Therefore . . .
I have to rebuild myself.
I have to clean the dust from my shelves and make changes from within.

I have to reshape my life and more, I have to rid myself of my fears and untruths because yes, I want more—and if I want more, then I will have to do more.

I want to dance . . .
I want to walk the beach.
I want to feel the sun on my face and enjoy the heat of the tropical sun and write off the rest of the world.

But for now, I have work to do.
And so, until the time comes or until then –

I’ll just dream