And This? This Is More

This is where I came from. All my journals or my thoughts have all come from the same place. This is my past, of course, and these are my little secrets or my tiny recollections which I hold like old notes, folded in paper and kept away in a small pocket in my heart.

No one sends notes anymore.
Everything is texted and emailed.
I miss notes.
I miss seeing handwritten letters and reading the words I love you in a signature other than some kind of computer-generated text.
But that’s just me . . .

I am not tough nor weak nor mighty or small. I am only me and so, I am nothing more than another small ingredient to a much bigger world that spins inside the crypt of an infinite universe.
The universe is vast and infinite, like the what I think the word beauty means because beauty is infinite.
I love that word too.
Infinite.

To be infinite means to be limitless or unending.
I like this idea.
I like the idea that my hopes will never have a ceiling and my dreams can be elaborate or ever-changing or evolving like the way stars cast across the sky and make up the constellations which I grew up praising and dreaming about.

These are my dreams.
They are not what they used to be.
Neither am I for that matter.

I am nothing like I was when I walked around at this time last year, let alone the year before or the year before that one.
I have been told that we are always changing. I was told that every cell in our body regenerates every seven years, but I had read that this is a myth.
So, in fairness, I don’t know what happens to our bodies.

I do realize that our bodies change
I don’t know much about our cells and nor do I know much about the body on a cellular level.
I agree that our cells change as we grow. I certainly know that brain cells die because I spent some time killing quite a few of them.
But that was another lifetime, and I have died while still alive, several times since. And yes, I am reborn or born again, which has nothing to do with the religious aspect of being born again or reborn; and thus, I say nothing about the text which says that man cannot enter The Kingdom of Heaven, lest he be born again.
I am not born again in that sort.
Not at all.

We age
We start to decline.
And I don’t know if we shrink or what happens to the spine. I don’t know what happens to our joints. I just know what time has taught me some valuable lessons.
My scars have taught me lessons too. Some of my invisible scars have taught me more, but I often forget these lessons because we often forget the unseeable things that scream and remind us to “LOOK OUT!”

I know that my body does not do what it used to and nor can I recover as quickly or move as fast.
I know that my mind might want to do things, but my body is not able to deliver the way it used to.
I get that.

Still, this is me.
This is my life and this is my heart.
These are my dreams and these are my desires.
I think I’m doing pretty well, for what it’s worth.
All these things are mine, and just like my body or my mind; all of what I have has changed and aged considerably.

I do not want a fast life like I did when I was younger. I do not want the wild escapades and nor do I have the same fantasies as when I was younger and looking to explore a new or different sexual atmosphere.

No.
This idea I have is changing and moving.
May God help me . . .
Perhaps my time is limited or in other words; my life and my days are numbered. And, so it goes.
Human life is finite, which is the opposite of my dreams or the universe, which is infinite.

I cannot say that I wish I was young again.
No, I suppose my youth was wasted when I was young.
I do not want to be young as much as I want to have the chances I missed to live, or to go, be, do, or feel as infinite as the stars.

I want peace.
I want to find that place where I belong and cross the threshold of my new existence and realize that everything that happened before this was necessary for me to reach where I am now.

I do agree that we are a sum and a compilation of our history, —and unless we are mindful and aware, the unfortunate parts of our history can, will, and do repeat themselves.
Therefore, it pays to benefit from the lessons of our past.
I agree with this, wholeheartedly.

Now that I’m here, or now that I am where I am, I suppose reflection has run its course.
I believe this because now that I realize I want more, I have to define what I want. I have to examine this and understand what it means to “want more” so that I can do more.
I have to say this out loud and allow this to manifest and be more infinite than my dreams.

I cannot say why we are the way we are. Nor can I say why we hurt the people we love the most.
But I can say that this is so.
This is true, and I look back now.
I think of the mistakes and the misgivings or the misperceptions that plagued my thinking.

I can’t do that anymore.
Well—
I can. But to what extent?

Here are my dreams.
They are simple.

I want to see you in a way like never before.
I want to feel safe and never worry that impending doom is inevitable or that beauty fades because I am otherwised tarnished and therefore, it would be me who turns your gold to rust.

I want to make love on the beach or in the water and let the ocean splash across my body like a mixture of heat and coolness.
I want to bathe in beautiful ideas like this and never get enough.

I want to feel the sun on my face and the sand in my toes.
I want to feel a love in my heart that beats continuously and so, not even the hands of time can beat the way my heart beats for you.
Nothing can stop this.
Not time.
Nor the devil.
I want to create a timeless which is so vast and ongoing that even infinity is jealous.
I swear.

I want to remove every hardship, every worry, every fear, and ever stitch of insecurity that held us back or made us sick.
I want to remove every lie I told or every manipulative tool I used.
But nothing happens if nothing happens. Hence, this is why I am still here and this is why I still come here with hopes to see you, every day.

I need this to come to fruition.
I need a walk on the beach in Fort Lauderdale too.
This place has a lot of meaning to me.
This is another spot on the shore, which is similar to my relationship with the beach at Point Lookout.
I have told my secrets to the tides here and made wishes and sent them out like messages in a bottle, with hopes that they will reach you.

And it’s true. Some might call this silly or childish, like a kid still believing if they wish upon a star.
But let the world call me what they will.

This is my heart.
All of it.

This is my heart, which has been with me since birth. Some of my feelings have changed. Some of my fascinations have changed too. Or maybe they have matured.
Or maybe my experience has shown me that I don’t need as much as I previously believed.
Therefore, I have almost everything I need.
(except for you)

Maybe I knew nothing about myself until I realized that I have been dishonest with or disloyal to my authentic truths.
I had to pay for this sin, tenfold.

Either way, this is my heart.
I want to share this now.
I want to feel the interconnection of my heartbeat with the one thing we call true love.
I want the feelings and my beliefs of having a soulmate be as meaningful and as beautiful as I’ve always wished them to be.

I have to say this to you before I close for today.
I view  my love as limitless.
I view my appreciation for my love’s touch and her skin as limitless too.
There is nothing that we should not explore.
There are no stones that should ever be left unturned and nor can I allow another moment to pass without declaring my truth to this.
I love her.
Well, I say this here to the world.
But when it’s us, I say I love you.

I have always wished that I could allow myself to be washed by the flood of someone’s beauty.
Yet, I always failed to let myself go or give in to such fantasies.

Nothing about you is ugly to me.
And while I understand that you see yourself differently from how I see you, my perfect world removes the battles of insecurity.
And you? If allowed, I would remove every ounce of fear from your heart.

I have learned the meaning of the word “value,” and adversely, I have learned how valueless it is to hide or pretend or act like someone else.

This is my life now.
And no.
Nothing is the way it was.
And maybe this is perfect becauae maybe this is what I needed to face so that when you and I finally make it to each other’s arms, nothing in the world will ever come between us.

I had a dream of you last night.
This does not surprise me though.
I dream of you every night.
I dream of you every day, when I’m awake because I see you everywhere I turn.
And for this, I am grateful.

My dreams of you are infinite.
my hopes are the same
but life is life and time is short.

I can’t see the eternal clock that’s moving. Yet I know the gears are turning and the secondhand ticks around the clock.
I know that time is moving constantly.
And I know what this means.
I know this is proof that the sands of time are infinite, but mine are running low and at an unknown pace.

I choose to see this as a wakeup call.

This means life can pass us by like the final grain of sand in our personal hourglass. 
This means tomorrow can be cancelled.
And the day after might never come.

I know this
Therefore, all I have is now.

And all I can give you is this, my last grains of sand, so that I can spend my time with you until my final hour, —and then eternally, and therefore, you and I can be together, infinitely, as in always and forever.

And so you know, you are my “always”
Because you are always in my heart.

Forever~