And This? This Is More

There is hope. I know there is.
I know that I am not where I want to be. At least, not yet. But I am closer than I was yesterday.
I know that going forward, at least I can say that yes, I am going forward.
At least, I am moving.
I am working.
And no one can take that away from me.

Move.
Do something.
Action creates reaction and motion creates emotion.
I have been told this . . .
I was told this a long, long time ago.
Move.
Go. Be. DO.
These words have meaning to me.

I never dared to believe or have hope because I always saw hope as dangerous thing.
And what is this?
What does it mean to have hope?

Hope: a feeling, an expectation, a drive or a feeling that something can and will happen.

To have hope means to believe in something despite the doubt, despite the odds, despite the surrounding environment.
hope defies the landscapes, and the changes, or to have hope or believe that no matter what, “something” is going to come my way was always a daring thing.
And I was too afraid to dare.
(always)

I cannot look back anymore and nor can I run the risk of being afraid all the time.
I have to let go.
I cannot relive or revisit the past anymore.
I say this often and yet, I regard the past too often.

I regard the people, places, and things and I revisit old conversations and arguments that serve me as a personal injustice.
I relive the fights, battles, to the point where my old feelings become excessive and burdensome.
And more, I often look to relitigate what happened to emotionally change what took place.
But this cannot happen.
There is no way to change what happened.

I think about the saying, “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve, but didn’t”
This sums up too much of my life.
Therefore, I have to change.
I have to make my adjustments now or run the risk of drifting further away from the person and the places I want to be.

I think about the word regret and yet, I think about the subconscious moves we make to make those regrets happen.
I think about how we preemptively strike against ourselves and paint ourselves into the corner, so to speak.
There is a science to us all or a pathology that defines and explains the way we move or react.
And me?
Of course, I have regrets.

I wish I would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.
All the time.
But either way, I didn’t.
And here I am now
alone.

Back to the drawing board.
Back to square one.
Back to the beginning.
Or maybe I am more advanced than I realize.
Maybe my awareness is allowing me to find another movement of change so that I can make my dreams come true—or if nothing else; at least, I can say that I will have my dreams or that I will de trying.

I go back to what they say about how “it is only by dying that one awakens to eternal life.”
I want this for me too.
I want this for you as well.

And yes, we die in different ways.
We die in different forms and of course, we experience death from either a metaphorical, emotional, social, financial, or physical sense.
I have died in almost each way, —and I have come close in the physical or the ultimate sense as well.
And barely breathing or not, I am still here.
Therefore, this has to mean something
(or, so I believe)

I suppose I never thought much about what it means to live.
Then again, I took too much for granted.
I wasted too much time being self-absorbed or looking for an angle.
I never stopped to open my eyes or stop and feel the ground beneath my feet or, “Smell the roses,” as I have been told.

Mom used to try and warn me about this.
Other people warned me too.
I was told that I was heading for a fall.
But I had to prove them wrong.
I was told that I was going to crash and burn.
But I refused this and saw the criticisms as an attack.

Mom used to try and talk to me about this.
But I never listened to her.

I never paid much attention to anyone when it came to things like this.
I never listened to the warnings or the suggestions that I assumed were more like threats than constructive brand of criticism.

I always assumed the weight of the world was going to be constant and heavy; and therefore, I assumed that at best, I would have to cheat.
I would have to play dirty or cut corners because someone like me could never win if I played the game straight.

I wish I knew about my abilities.
I wish I knew that it was okay to fail or fall down.
I wish I knew that I was more capable than I believed.

Do I ever wish I could go back?
Do I wish I could step back in time?
Of course.
But again, this is a wish that does nothing but spin the gears of an old thought that has no business with me anymore.

And so—
I confess.
I confess to my sins the exact and “to the nature of my wrongs.”

I expose my chest and my scars and my truths because as hard as this will be, at least no one can hurt me with the truth anymore.
Not even me.

I remember when I found myself in a room where others like would go and discuss their problems.
I was told the first step is admitting there is a problem.
And I got this.
I was also told there is a difference between admitting and accepting there is a problem.

I have admitted to problems, sins, crimes, and I have admitted to unspoken, challenges, and whether this was effective or forgiving is yet to be seen.

Admitting is one thing.
Accepting is another.

I admit that I could never sit still or be comfortable.
But I want to be.
I admit to my shortcomings.
I admit to my faults and flaws.
I admit to my wrongs, and I have confessed them to the highest authority.
But admitting is not accepting that yes, these things are real. These things are true and even more, admitting to something is not the same thing as “feeling” the truth that no, this is not going away without effort. Admitting is not the same as internalizing and realizing that above all; these things are unchangeable.

So, adapt.
adjust
change your position
work harder
keep going.
go, be, and do.

I never wanted to accept that this was me or acknowledge that I am, in fact, more cowardly than anyone else I know.
I never wanted to accept the truth, which is that I am the only person who stands in my way.

I overthink.
I over-persecute myself.
I paused when I wanted to step up and I resigned or surrendered when I wanted to advance and make my life mine.

There is another saying: I have no one to blame but myself.
I agree with this.

At the same time, I go back to an invention of mine which I call the five fingers of rejective thinking. The five fingers are blame, shame, fault, guilt, and regret.
Each one represents a finger.
Each finger closes when I focus on blame, shame, fault, guilt, and regret,
And this balls my hands into a fist, which is what I use when I choose to beat myself up.

Be advised, there is no changing the past.
There is only the here and now.
I cannot revisit what happened or fix the irreparable damages that is often left behind.

I have enemies.
But I do not want to be one of them anymore, let alone, my worst enemy, which was always me.

Yesterday is gone.
All I can do is take care of the “here and now.”

And, so
it is not beyond me to regain my best self.
it is not beyond me to realize that yes, time is moving.
it is not beyond me to go, be, do, or move.
I can change my mind.
I can choose a new direction.
I can do anything—except start a professional basketball career or be a singer in a rock and roll band.
I do not have those talents.

No one can stop me from trying this.
No one can tell me not to.
This does not mean the world will help me or meet me halfway, and this certainly does not mean that someone is wiling to pay me to chase my dreams—but no one can stop me,

I can take a step away from the madness and the chaos.
I can rebuild myself.
I can learn to remaster my life.
I can love.
Of course, I can.
I can love with all my ability.

I know I can do this.

If it is within me to hate, then it must be so that I have the same (if not more) energy it takes to love. And to love is less gruesome or painful; therefore, if I can hate so deeply, then I can love on the opposite side of the spectrum.

And now . . .
Speaking for now and now only; I have made the decision to stand as I am, truthfully, despite my fears or worries of an awkward approach.

I used to guard my truths or guard my thoughts and never express myself.
I would never “be me.”

I would never dare to express myself to a vulnerable level and say, “I need you,” or that “my life does not work without you.”
I never let my actions match y words because I always held reservations that I will eventually fail or fall down—and essentially, I will find myself sad and alone
(again)

I would never let myself go or dance or experience the thrills of joy.
I never felt the sensation of what it feels like to roll up my pants and stand knee deep in the bay during the sunset.

I never dared to be brave.

But you . . .
Yes, you!

I want to open my world to you.
I want to show you this and everything I have from my secrets or to the “kid within” and I want to be brave enough to suck at something new.
I want to do this, just so that I can have the experience of being new at something with you.

And, if it is not so or if it is late in the game and my chance to play is limited or dulled by the sounds of everyday life, then at least I can say that I stepped up to the plate this time.
I took a shot.
I took a swing with all I have.
I gave this and me and you everything.

I cannot right my wrongs or fix the things that are out of my control.
But I can bend my knee.
I can be the person I have always wanted to be.

I remember being made fun of because I shared myself in such a way—and I was not just the punchline; I was the joke.
I remember the shame, blame, fault, guilt, and the regret I felt.

I never knew how to let that go.
But I have to . . .
All I see is how holding onto these things killed me in both the metaphorical, emotional, financial, social, and nearly in the physical sense.

I don’t want to die anymore.
I think we have all died enough for one lifetime.
(Don’t you?)

I need a walk at Point Lookout soon.
I can go there to cast my prayers to the outgoing sea,
And maybe, who knows?
Maybe I can find a seashell, like no other of its kind
and realize that this is a sign

From the Gods
about you
and once more, my faith will be restored.