And This? This Is More

Breathe . . .
inhale through your nose and breath out through your mouth.

Are you ready?
Good.
Then let’s go

I know how it feels and for the record, I know about the stress that comes along, not to mention the basic fears or the concerns that come or make us question if any of this is worth it or even necessary.

Sometimes, I swear, you find yourself running around in circles.
You run until you can’t do this anymore and you run too fast.
Who can compete with this?
Not I
Not you.

You find yourself running at a pace that you just can’t keep, —and at the same time, you know that if you trail or fall behind or to put this mildly; you know that if you miss another payment, you’ll drown or sink or die in more ways than you care to confess.

I have been there.
I have been there emotionally, physically and financially.

You take the pain because at least the pain is constant and understandable.
You dust yourself off because after all; there is no rest for the weary or for the tired or the weak or the hungry.
You shake your fists at the sky and you shake your head because no matter how hard you fight back; there is never enough hours in the day.
Never . . .
There’s never enough ladders to solve the next hole that you’ll have to climb out of either.
And so, out from the fryer and into the frying pan we go.
Am I right?

Work . . .
You wake up before your alarm, which is not to say that you slept much or that you slept at all because often enough, your mind is in a million places. And so, you fall asleep until you wake up an hour later and look at the black and endless hole in your ceiling which is more of a figurative way of saying that you lose yourself to an infinite universe of overthinking and worry.

And what else can you do, aside from “keep going,” right?
You work and you slave, and what thanks do you get?
Bills keep coming.
Life keeps happening, and as for the beast, or Satan, himself?
He loves his job so therefore, he never has to go to work a day in his life.

Just because I stay quiet or say nothing in my defense does not mean that I agree or that I acquiesce or submit to the demands that take away my spirit.
Just because I keep going or move, none of this means I have accepted “what is” by any means.
I cannot give this another ounce of my energy,
Not another day. Not another moment.

Or better yet, just because I smile and nod does not mean that my smile or my nod is in agreement.
No. I’ve seen the tricks before.
I’ve fallen for them too.
I’ve taken the bait more than once.
I know . . .

There’s always someone out there, eager to deliver the bad news or anxious to rain on your so-called parade.
This is true.
Enemies are a dime a dozen.
I know.
I have a plethora of them – that is, if I choose to regard them.

I propose this to you in writing and out loud because yes; I know there are the common, or the basic and everyday enemies among us.
Yes.
There are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Beware of the unsuspected ones too.
They are the ones who grin like innocent children and look to achieve their strategy and thus, they choose their spots to place knives in your back, so they can climb over you.
They do this while smiling and eagerly looking to help you find the perpetrator.
“Wait, who? You mean someone stabbed you in the back when you weren’t looking?
I’ve fallen for this too.
I’ve met the people who steal your wallet and pretend to help you find it.
Beware –
There are
And they smile. Yes, their smiles are sharp like scalpels, and their cuts are sharp as ever and easy to slice us apart.
It is easy to lose focus.
It is easy to grow frustrated.
It’s easy to lose to thoughts about revenge or to right their wrongs.
But in the end, this is another case of the fool arguing with the fool.

And yes, of course, it is easy to lose to resentments.
Absolutely . . .
it is easy to lose ourselves to the fears that somehow, that ultimate dream has either been put on hold for another year or two, or the estimated wait time is lifelong or even longer than we can wait. And that’s why people quit or give in or settle for a trade and take a different dream at a discounted rate.

I know that I have done this.
Haven’t you?

Keep going though, right?
Of course.
There is no quitting
We are the underdog.
We are the beaten and the bloodied and the resilient ones who defied the pain and learned to endure.
Of course we are.
I can say there is dignity to our strength.
However, I hear people say, “Oh, but your so strong.”
And dig it, —I’d be fine to be weaker if it meant I could have less shit on my plate.
You know?

But no.
No rest for the weak or the weary or the tired or the hungry.
Such is life in the middle of the room, —not wealthy enough to solve the financial dilemmas, not strong enough to fend off the battles from all side, and too confused to see clearly enough that it is better to address life from a logical basis instead of an emotional mindset.

But this is us.
Isn’t it?
We are the hardened hearts and the tough-skinned or the callous hands which have gripped the ropes that steer the reins.
Ride on and grip tight.,
We have been doing this for what seems like eternity, —and of course, we hold on.
We hold as tight as we can, despite the bleeding hands, and so, we secure our to hold tighter, even if letting go could lead to relief, we hold on because, hey, this is what we were told to do.

Right?

I get what it’s like to have a life, which is not the life you want.
It’s not the life you want but it’s the only life you have.
And further, I know what it feels like to have love and yet, this is not the love you want—it’s just the only love you have.
So, you grab on because “what else can you do?”

You work your life away.
You find yourself at a pace that makes no sense.
Your arms are tired and your legs are weak.
You surrendered to a life that was not your choice and worse, you found yourself angry when the other side rejected you because in the end, whether you settled for them or not, it was YOU who was not enough for THEM!
This is life when we settle.
And that kind of life is a bitch, to say the least.

You’re tired though.
of course, you are.

You swear that you can’t take another step, —but you do, because stopping is worse than dying, and stopping is like beaing held hostage or like being a slave dragged in a line by heartless horses who will keep going even of you fall.
“If you fall, they’ll only let you die.”
And what’s worse?
Is it dying like that or drowning alive in the middle of everything?
I say the worst is dying this way and being forced to live and witness the consequences.

Just keep going though.
Keep it moving

You run into yourself at the door.
You burn the candle at both ends.

We work for a living . . . right?
We work for a living, or so they say.
But in the end, this is what happens (if we are not careful)

You burn yourself to the ground or work your fingers to the bone or you work and you slave, “and what thanks do you get?”
Am I right?
You work and you build and you work to create a life that you’ve always dreamed about.
You do this and at the same time, you spend more time working than you do enjoying the dream you built or savoring the fruits of your labor.

I’m sorry
But I have to call “bullshit” on that one.

It’s not the case that we have gone crazy.
No.
We wore ourselves too thin and worked our finger to the bone.
We slaved our hands to the point where our nerves are dead and now, to add insult to injurie; we lack the ability to feel or touch the fabric of our wealth and so, we lose the sensation to touch what we’ve built.

It’s not that we went crazy.
It’s more the case that we worked our life away and now, all that’s left are the knotted and frayed ends of our sanity, which is fried to say the least.

Out of the fryer . . .
. . . and into the frying pan!

Blessed Mother,
watch over me.
Blessed Father
teach me to listen.
Help me to learn with out adding another ache or pain to my list.

And as for Satan or my enemies—
I don’t have to worry about them
protect me from my so-called friends
strengthen my spine.
soften my heart
Let me live, love, laugh and learn.
Teach me
and show me the way.

I know that I am just a man
I know what I have done.
Please, let me clear this path so that I can get to the other side.
I may not deserve what I ask . . .
But with all I have, I do not want to be like Moses—only able to see, but never able to set foot on the soil in the promised land, which he fought to provide.

Blessed Teacher
For this, I beg you

Amen