And This? This Is More

And this is life. Or so I am told.
I have not seen any other proof to show that this is anything other than life.
Or, maybe this is just me. Maybe this is my life and therefore, I am nothing more than small glimpse of something far bigger and brighter than my perspective.

I cannot see the stars in the daylight hours.
But I know they are up there.
I know where the moon is and I know where the sun is too.
I know where they are, even when they are not present in the sky.
I got that . . .

Everything happening now is happening
We are all live, as in right now.
Live and on stage!
What a great thing this is to be.

See? Look around you.
Look at the sky, which is gray and cloudy for the moment.
New York City is only a short distance from me now, but my head and my heart are elsewhere.

It is raining for now.
I can hear the rain hitting the aluminum awning that covers my front window.

Listen to the sound of the wind.
Listen to how the wind gusts and picks up speed.
shh . . . Can you hear it?
The wind blows but then the wind pauses, as if the wind itself needs to breathe or take a break.
Even the Earth breathes.

I think about how silly we are.
Crazy people.
What’s the matter with us?
Crazy. All of us.
Every living, breathing last one of us.
Crazy to the core, which is not always a bad thing.

I think about the battles we have.
I think about all the arguments and all the fighting that goes on does not stop the hands of time just because we want to be right.

Nothing stops time and yet, we waste the hours as if our time is infinite.
But no.
Time is infinite.
Life is finite.
This means there will always be another minute and another hour of the day. But our time will come to an end and so, this means we run the risk of leaving too much unresolved and thus, this will be a life unlived, if we allow that to happen.

Life is happening. Always.
Fate still happens and destiny is equally undefeated.
So cut your shit . . .|
. . . stop ruining your own life.

Your options can change and the window of opportunity will only grow smaller until, eventually, you come to an awareness of diminishing returns.
These are the potholes of our deepest regrets.
Fill them now.
Fill them with effort.
Not more regret.
Live, love, laugh, and learn.
Do this to the best of your ability

Let me pose something out loud as a question:
Can we fight fate?
Can we fight destiny?

I don’t think we can.
And whether it is intended for us to pull a trick and find happiness is on us.
Think about it.
Think about the hours we waste complaining.
Think about how useless it is to blame other people.
Think about how wasteful it is to live in the past.
Yet, we do this all the time!

Think about the useless arguments, which are projected from another problem that lives in our head.
Yet, the closest in proximity or the person next to us gets to deal with our pain.
What a joy this is, right?
People have to accept the price of our pain, even if our pain has nothing to do with them.

It is sad how we settle. I know this.
It is sad how we settle down with the wrong people. It is pointless too, to say the least.
None of this makes sense.
But we choose the comfort of someone rather than being alone or living with no one—and in fear that no one else will have us, we surrender dreams, hopes, aspirations and worse, we forfeit our truest desires and sexual victories for a body of substitution and use them as a replacement.
How terrible is this?
How useless?
How awful and sad and how pitiful are people when doing something like this to themselves?
And how awful is this to do to someone else?
How frequent and mad this is?

I say this and in full retrospect, I confess that I have taken and stolen.
I have willingly submitted myself to this process on both an inhale and exhale basis.
These are two way streets we live on.
And remember, it is like I said to you a long, long time ago. It is more often true that there really are no victims.
Only volunteers.

We have all chosen our poison more than once
(or twice.)
We have all taken a shortcut that led us to the long and unavoidable lesson that teaches, “beware of the quick fix!”
Be cautious of the fast cures because instant gratification is only short-lived.
And again, I want more,
And this?
This is more.

I am guilty as charged.
I can say that I am guilty of giving up.
I am guilty of looking for quick fixes.
I am guilty of accepting trades and not holding out for my truths.

I am guilty of always believing in the greener grass on the other side of my fence; and hence, I am guilty of thinking that I am always missing out and that I will never be satisfied, even if satisfaction was right in front of me.

I have lived with the “is this it?” mindset.
I was always wondering or looking to cultivate relationships to cover my losses—when I was alone.

I am guilty of living with envy.
I confess to the damages of doubt.
as in “My doutbt”
and like a brat, others had to pay for my damages to which i confess with a heartfelt apology, but in the end, who cares if I apologize or not.
Nothing changes what happened.

I am guilty of never enduring or being truthful to myself.
And so, this means I was never truthful to myself or to my love.
This is what led me to the depths of an inescapable quicksand, which I all the swamps of insecurity, —always sinking, always drowning, and always thinking the “could’ve, would’ve, and should’ve” thoughts but in the end, I could have, and I would have and should have, but regretfully: I didn’t
Know what I mean?

I am guilty of wishing I was someone else.
Or maybe I wanted to be anyone else and therefore, I posed and I postured.
I pretended and I tried but in the truth is always truth and no attempts to deny my truths will change these facts

This is true.
And yes, this is my past or my past and former self.

I come here now, and to sit with you to say goodbye to these things.
No one can persecute me forever.
And even if someone does, oh well.
This is on them.
Therefore, I cannot put this upon me to constantly persecute myself or beat the dead horse, which only gallops when I revive him.

I have altered my direction.
I have fallen and dropped to my knees with regret and prayer.
And now?
Now I am lucky enough to find myself alive again.

I am living with an awareness that shows another unavoidable truth.
People are their own worst enemy.
I am one of those people.
Hear me roar!

Life while stuck in the thought machine is no different from being twisted and churned in a meatgrinder—
We come out, twisted and contorted and jelly-like, and then we become this moldable spinless version of personal submission—as if to say, “I just can’t do it,” and “oh well, I guess I’ll lose to this like water loses to a drain!”

Fuck that.

I am a crazy man.
I am faulted and flawed.
I a done with the moral conundrums of right or wrong.
I just want to be happy

I am as imperfect as they come and typically, I am selfish at times and frightened on most days.
I suppose this calls me “human.”

I have pre-emptively struck and hurt and destroyed and somehow, I found myself in the wake and the aftermath of my greatest self-destruction.
What a waste . . .
And somehow, and for the life of me, I cannot understand this—but by all means:
I am still in love.

It is funny to me.
It is funny to me how there are things we want most in life and yet, somehow, we manage to fuck these things up with the utmost perfection.

People . . .
We are a crazy sort.

Crazy. Yes, I am crazy.
I am crazy because despite myself, I cannot help but to sit and dream.
Despite my best interests to fill my thoughts with a different subject I cannot stop the way I fantasize about a body or the way legs shape or how her scent is perfect to me.

I cannot let go.
I will not.
And this is not because of the question of will she have me or not.
No.
I will not let go because letting go or substituting a body would be disloyal to myself

A young man asked me, “How do you know if you’re gonna fall I love with a girl.”

“You just know,” I told him.

As soon as you kiss her.
That’s how you know.

You will feel something that you have never felt before, —and this will be like two puzzle pieces coming together, effortlessly, and there was no pushing or pressing forcing anything into place.
“It just fits.”
This kiss will seem more than just natural to you.
And I can assure you of this because when you kiss that person, you will find out what the word “intentional” means.
You can define that moment because you will know that you were intended to kiss that person.
No one else will kiss you like this.

My only suggestion is to kiss her with all you have.
Do this for as long as you can and to hold them for as long as humanly possible.

Do not quit.
Do not forfeit your rights to be happy.
Do not allow all of the drama to trip you up.
Ignore the rest of the world and all the bullshit insecurities that come and interrupt your focus.
Kiss her.
Let nature do the rest.

I know that I said both fate and destiny are undefeated.
So is time, for that matter.
Fate leads us to the door.
Destiny helps us navigate through the swamps, and yes, we all have a chance to make our life incredible.
We also have the right to keep ourselves miserable too.
Misery and I go back a long time.
But the choice of where we go is definitely ours.

I think there is something ahead that I need to see.
I need to find my way.
Or even better, I need to start now.
As in right now!

I need to make my way towards my dreams before the doorway closes.
Otherwise, I might myself alone in the worst ways possible, dying like an elderly man with no one to come to his bedside, and no one to say a kind word at his funeral.
Or worse . . .
There will be no one to wait for when they come to meet me on the other side.

Do not let go of love.
Do not give up on your truth.
Do not allow yourself to fall to the tricks because trust me; the Devil laughs all the time
He laughs hard too
So, between us, my best advice is do not be the punchline to his jokes anymore.

I love you
And eve if that is not returned,
my love is all I have for now