Good Or Bad, I Was One of The Ones

It is April, the day after Easter Sunday.
The sky was beautiful as ever this morning but the winds were cool and the winter refuses to leave without leaving a few chills behind.
I noticed the sunrise is taking the stage earlier now.
I love that.
I noticed the return of the red-breasted robins as well, which I am far from opposed to because the robins spark the beginning of springtime, which is fine for me.

I love the great thaw which takes place when spring comes around. I love the return to green and how the trees come back to life.
I needed more this year. I needed some kind of reassurance; however, this is not something that can come from a person.
No . . .
I had the need to return to the shrine by Point Lookout. I took some quiet time between The Mother and myself and knelt down before Holy Mary, The Mother of God, so that I could rest my anxiety and find peace and hopefully create a better source of redemption.

Life is moving faster than we think. I know this because I must have blinked once or twice, and yes, I realize that years have gone by and I am still living in a similar and mournful regard for a life that I mournfully lost.
Either way, life and time do not regard us or our despair.
Like it or not, time never stops and life keeps moving.
Everything is moving because nothing is ever still—at least, not really.
Life moves.
Time moves.
People move.
The Earth moves.
Period. End of sentence.

I stopped at the beach for a while to let the sun warm my face.
This was a good thing to feel.
Ah, the sun on my face and the reaction from my skin.

I took notice of the tides and how they come in and out at Jones Beach. I watched a commercial fishing boat leave the inlet and head out to points unknown.
I admire this.
I thought about the remnants in the sand are the tiny pieces of garbage were left behind by fair-weathered friends who only came around during the summer.
I looked up to notice the approaching clouds or how the birds work the seas and search for food.

I know the season is about to change again, which I assume the seagulls appreciate this more than the winter because the pickings are slim and the waters are cold

I see life as seasonal too, such as the way we have our moments when all is good.
The waves we ride are high and at their peak.
I know the vibes of summer are different from winter and soon, the hibernation will end, and soon enough, our side of the hemisphere will reveal themselves and show more skin.
By the way, I am not opposed to this either.

I have no reason to look back anymore. Nothing is holding me back anyway, except for myself, of course.
I suppose we all come to our own levels of awareness. And this happens at our own pace and in our own time.
No one can experience a realization for someone else, —namely me, and nor can I come to a constructive conclusion for you.
Awareness, realizations or constructive conclusions are all personal and subjective to “self”

I have been told about spirits of those who passed away and how they are holding on and refusing to pass over to the other side. And in fairness, no ghosts or spirits have ever appeared to me and told me this, which means I cannot speak to say whether this is true or not.

I have been told that eventually, time passes or that we realize that life has changed. We come to this understanding on our own accord, in which case; we come to an understanding that allows us to let go and move on.

Am I there?
I assume so.
Am I totally aware?
Yes, but my emotions can often confuse me and my insecurity whines like a child that’s been punished or sent to bed early, without dessert.

I know that we love and we hurt and I understand what it means to mourn and recognize the mournful loss of someone who walks around and remains alive; and I know the pain that comes with this loss of someone alive and yet, we are dead to each other.

Loss is loss
Gains are gains
But the sunrise?
Or the sunset?
They know me well.
They know that I appreciate their presence.
And they know how they change my perspective by showing up in the morning and in the evening..

I know that the rain cannot last forever.
I know this is true.
I know the rains are always short-lived. However, I know there will be storms that can outweigh our sense of understanding. I know that some storms can defy our logical thinking with emotional and insecure worries.
I have endured storms like this and somehow, despite our daily catastrophes; I’m still here and still alive.

I know that the sun does not make the same entrance every morning, and nor do the sunsets make the same exit.
I know that I might not see the moon some nights and the sun might not shine through the clouds every day—but I know they are both there for me.
I know they both exist and nothing can prove otherwise to me.
At the same time, I miss the sun and the moon when they are not out or visible to see.
I suppose this is just another analogy or another metaphor, if you will . . .

I know that love exists. And I know that people come and people go.
I know that I may or may not fit perfectly into every situation, which is fine because I suppose there will always be something for me to learn.
Not every smile is warm.
Not every promise is trusting.
not every lie is pretty and not every truth has to hurt.
I get that . . .
Not everyone is playing fair, but not everyone cheats either, and just because I was ready or played my hand and lost; none of this means that life is destined to be ruined or that I am destined to be alone or “like this.”

For example, I know that I am not where I want to be.
At least, not at the moment.
I know that I expected different things.
I expected a different response and a different outcome, —but life can be this way sometimes, which is disappointing to say the least, but this is life.
Fate does not act or always agree with us and destiny does not always act in accordance with our dreams. But somehow, I know and I believe and I dream and I desire.

I took a minute before jumping on the train this morning.  It amazes me how old I am as opposed to how young I was when I started this mission.
I looked up and of course, I had some quiet time between myself and God the Father.
I pray the way I pray. I am not sure that my prayers come out the way I want, but if it is true; that God is all seeing and all knowing, then I know that God knows exactly where I am coming from.
Either way –
I looked up at the new morning sky.
I thought to myself about the past or the people in my past. I thought about those who were not meant to be part of my future and then I wondered why would I consider anyone important who fails to consider me as anything at all.

I believed too many lies, including my own.
And so now, now is a time for an honest assessment.
Now is the time to draw my line in the sand and say “this is where I’ll begin,” and not where I’ll end.

And my future?
There is the fear of the unknown and so, yes, I am afraid.
There are fears of loneliness.
And yes, I am alone.

There is a fear that I might never find my way and worse, my biggest fear is that when I do find my way, I am petrified to learn that my destination is short of desirable and once more, I will be left with the feelings of wanting “more!”

More . . .
what a great word and yes, of course, I am that one who wants more.
I am that one now and sure as I stand here, I am that one who will always want more and thus; I will always dream for more.
But if it is what it says in The Book of James, then it is true that, “faith without works is dead.”
That means I cannot dream or wish my life away.
i have to make moves.
I have to work and should my work leave me short of where I want to be, then at least I can say that I gave everything I had to reach the shores of my most impossible dream.

I want more than what I have, which is not to say that what I have is unworthy. This is not to say that what I have is short of satisfying. No, I want more than what I have because this is what I work for.
I want a life with someone.
I want a place to go and share this with someone.
I want to have someone regard me and I want to regard them just the same.
I want the spirit and the feeling of togetherness and whether I am in their company or elsewhere, I want to have a life with someone that never leads me to feel alone.
But more, I want to know where my place in the sun will be. I want to find my fellow spectator so that I have someone to watch the sunsets from the beach by the palm trees and sitting on chairs upon white sands.

I do not want all of this to go to waste.
Know why?
I see people working their entire life away and for what?
I see people pass their retirement age and have nothing better to do than work or continue their grind.
I see people working up until they retire, and then I watch them slip into a sad form of obscurity and then they die not long after. And for what?
They did their time and completed their work life for what?
To work their life away?
No, thank you.
I am one of the ones who wants better than this.

I do not want to be that one who loses the optionality of living and enjoying a better life..
I do not want to live another day, lamenting or regretting what was and then complaining about “what is” or what could have been.

What should have happened did happen.
I remember hearing this before.
I remember being told about the useless energy of trying to renegotiate or relitigate the past.
What a waste.

I remember being told about that thing we used to say at the end of meetings called The Serenity Prayer, —and I remember being promised serenity once I learned how to embrace the acceptance of how things are instead of how I wished things would be.

I will not stay “as I am” or allow myself to slip deeper into a hole.
No. This cannot happen. But this can happen if I am destined to live in the past.
Therefore, I have to change my direction.
I cannot allow myself to toss my dreams into the abyss and abandon my hopes.
This brings me to the here and now –
I felt a cool breeze on my face this morning.
I stood on the platform at the Long Island Railroad. I looked at the sky and God the sunrise was beautiful.
I realized that I do not have to regard anyone who does not deserve my attention and nor do I have to relive the past on a daily basis. I can let go now.
And if there were lies from my past then I should let them lay in my past.

We grow at our own pace and yes, we come to our best stages of realization at our own pace too.
Life always proves that when people show you who they are, believe them. And when we are shown who people are, I have to understand that trying harder or loving them more, or giving more of myself cannot and will not make the unwanted future change in my favor.

Loving someone harder when they want to get away is not going to make them love you more.
No, this only makes them ran faster and farther . . .
Yes. I know.
or should I say, at least I know this now . . .

I am at a brand-new plateau and viewing the sunrise in a brand-new way.
Today, is a new day and I am that new one. This is scary too.
I am not unlike the young one who walks into a classroom for the first time and sees the others as strangers.

And now that I think of it, the more we grow, the more familiar people become strangers too.
Or maybe we finally notice that they are only human, complete with dishonesties, deceit, and secrets that can would kill them, if they came to light.

We are all going through changes.
We are all going through something.
Everyone is recovering from one thing or another.
Everyone is experiencing a pain that we know nothing about and yes, I am one of those ones too.

So, to close this off today, I will let my fate take it from here . . .

Good morning, springtime.
I’ve been waiting to see when you’d come around.
I think it’s best that I go and walk the beach before the seasonal friends come out to play.

I have some thoughts to give away to the tides and some prayers to send out to sea.
I have a few more goodbyes to add to my list and a hello to an unknow future, which of course is yet to be.

I love you.
No matter how distant or distorted this world becomes.
Love is neither right nor wrong.
Love is just love
And like any other living thing, love needs what it needs to survive.
So, yes, even true love can die if it’s not kept alive, which always makes me wonder if what I thought was love was really love at all . . .