Years later.
I do not relate to the way things were, back when my times in yellow cabs swooshed through the streets in New York City.
I was well dressed and self-absorbed but more, I was blind because I knew the lies within were about to bubble over at any given moment.
You can lie to the world.
You can put on a brave face.
You can fix your smile and deny as much as you choose.

But the truth is always going to be the truth
I was always told to watch for the changes. I was told that the tides can turn and fortune can turn to unfortunate in a matter of minutes.

I am driving fast on the FDR, heading north and going Downtown while listening to a song called English Rose.
I like this.
I like hearing vintage songs from my past.
I like how this one reminds me of a movie called This Is England and the show which came around the movie released.

I love what this reminds me of.
I love the truth of life, which I feel when I think about my recent crash course with life and the fallouts of mistakes.

I never liked the classrooms or the feelings of anxiety that I’d have when walking in the classroom. I used to panic. I used to fear the worse and believe that something awful was about to happen. And usually something awful did happen.
I never liked the fears that came over me or the change in my chemistry when I was questioned or told that there was going to be a test.
God, the anxiety was awful.
I hated how it felt for me when standing up in front of the classroom. I hated being laughed at or bullied or yelled at by my teacher.. I swore to myself that I would never step foot ina classroom again,
I swore that I would never subject myself to this kind of fear or pain or worry.

It is strange to me now how my life has changed.
So have I.

I suppose the surprising or the funny thing about any of these entries is that I never assumed that this would be me.
I never assumed that I would show this part of myself or share the things that I have shared.

My past was poorly guarded and devoted to the unfortunate side of bad ideas.
I trusted people who were undeserving. And I gave myself away with the mistaken understanding that I somehow had to “sell” myself otherwise, who would care?
Who would like me?
Or who would want me in their life if I offered no benefits?

I am awake again and at the same time at the same place in my bed. I am thinking about too many things and so, it is hard to ease my mind or rest my breath enough to sleep.
So much happens in the span of time.
Too much has gone on between the distance of you and I.

I would rather be somewhere or anywhere else, —preferably someplace warm, like say, far from the world we know and far from the old snow and the slushy pavement along the streets in Downtown, Manhattan.
It amazes me though.
I am amazed at the places I’ve seen and the person I’ve been throughout my life.

It amazes me still, to notice the range between highs and lows or when money was tight or my dollars seemed more like a plethora of chances, which I hoped would never run out.

I am at an impasse at the moment.
I have been here before too.
Only now, everything seems different.
I swear, this is like walking down same street for decades
and now, somehow, everything is strange to me
or maybe I have outgrown myself (again)

I suppose I could call this one of my first summers in hindsight. Then again, I am letting this go out to the atmosphere without any kind of decoration or imagery to hide behind.

Foreshadowing is real. Yet it takes hindsight to have us look back and recognize that life shows us things, like windows of opportunities and warning signs that offer guidance.
But I was blind to this.
I was blind in some ways.
However, I was a visionary in other ways and somehow, I was too afraid to let myself see the life I wanted most.
I was too afraid to try and find out that something about me was wrong or otherwise undeserving, and that as close as I came to having what I want, in the end, I would always be close, but never victorious.

What is it now, I ask.
If you think or look back, what do you see?
How does our life look now that all the lights have faded?
The bridges we burn cannot light our way anymore.
Some people say that this leads them to feel “stuck” and if you ask me, nothing is worse than being “stuck.”

The dust of our past has settled down after a late afternoon rain and the brutal heat of summertime was broken by a storm to crack the humidity.
Do you understand this?
Do you remember the summer?
What about the storms that made the sky turn dark and crazy when the humidity was too much?

It is no more out of the question for you or I to revisit where we used to be than it is for us to question what made us go our own separate ways.
And still, I look back.
I think back about the days before stress took place. I think about the feelings that come when we are young and free and nothing is so critical or so important that we have to divert our attention to anything that deviates us from our path of personal redemption.

And what does this mean?
What does it mean to be redeemed or to find redemption?
What does it mean to lose ourselves and find what was lost, enough so that we can both redefine what it means to live life or to be young again.

The funniest thing is that I swore I would never grow old. Then again, this is something that young people say.
Or so, I suppose.
I swore that I would never walk the line or conform or be like the people I knew who became part of some kind of system that seemed to be lifeless or draining.

I never wanted to be the kind of typical 9-5 person who raced to get out of the front door and make it to work on time. I never wanted to be “that guy” while dressed in the typical or usual business attire with a newspaper tucked under one arm, a Styrofoam cup with hot coffee in the other and a briefcase in tow.