Tucked in Upstate New York mountains and hidden in the quiet anonymity of a small town with only a few homes, few business and fewer people, I found myself in a short-stay rehabilitation center.
The center was not as I imagined it would be. The place was not hospital-like in any way. However, there was a basic nursing staff. There were no medical doctors or medications, only counselors, and ex-drunks that chose a therapeutic career after their own successful rehabilitation.

We were in the middle of nowhere. I was the youngest patient, and as it seemed, I was certainly not the only patient undergoing treatment as forced condition by an outside source. Most of the men Continue reading →

A long time ago . . .
I walked through the door at the front of a room and head straight to a yellow plastic chair on a steel frame, which as well, was at the front of the room with its back to the wall. I faced a U-shaped bench that was made of dark-stained wood and stationed against the other remaining three walls. The floor was tiled with tiles that were once white, but age and foot traffic left the floor to seem worn and scattered with black streaks and sneaker marks.

It had been a long Continue reading →

There are two reasons why I write about my past and my addiction. The first reason is to raise awareness and bring an understanding to a misunderstood sickness. I write for those who feel they are alone and for those who cannot understand why someone would behave as an addict or alcoholic.
The second reason is so that I see exactly who I was. I write about who I was to detail where I came from. This is important to remember the facts of my story because they not only show the span of my growth; they also value Continue reading →

I spent most of the day and all of my money on little plastic capsules that contained tiny white boulders and a terrible addiction. The sun had been gone for quite some time and the roads were wet from a cold winter’s rain.
The streetlamps and occasional headlights from passing cars glistened against the black pavement and across the yellow dividing lines on the street.
When the wind came, the traffic lights swayed with the colors of red, yellow, or green reflecting against the slick pavement near Green Avenue and Front Street.

Front Street is somewhat of a main road in my small Long Island town, but the traffic was few at that hour. The street is lined with modest, single family homes—most of them are one-story in height, and because of the late hour, all of the homes were mostly dark with the exception of a few scattered Continue reading →

Poems For The Still Sick and Suffering

1)

I have seen it.
I have watched brilliant minds martyr their freedom
to solve their concerns and slip into a soft mind
just to feel easy.
I have seen good people lose to the warm vacant whispers of the white sand.
White horse pierced through the membrane of their flesh
and galloped Continue reading →

There was a bond I felt to the people I was “Away” with. Though it was brief, our interaction is something I will never forget. In fact, I use their memory to inspire my path. This way, I will never forget where I came from and I will never be who I was again.
After completing 28 days of treatment in an adult facility, I was immediately sent to another short-term center for another 42 days until the courts remanded me to long-term treatment.
This place was smaller with fewer patients than my previous experience. The kitchen was smaller and the bedrooms were small to medium sized. There property was on a main road, but the road ran through a quiet part of an Upstate town, so traffic was rare. There was little to see and few places to go. There was housing for bunks and the main house, which is where we spent most of our time.

I was unsure what to Continue reading →

We sat with our backs against the fence in the rear corner of the field behind our elementary school. It was not long before that we went to this school. We were only a few years out, but the changes we made in that short amount of time was drastic
To create a better view, I think I should describe the area before moving further. The grass-covered field was long and very wide. It extended passed the cement Continue reading →

When I came to the understanding that my lifestyle had become unmanageable and I was, in fact, powerless over this thing they call alcoholism and drug addiction, they sat me down in front of a small group of people. I have no doubts that I looked worse than most in that room.
I was strung out. My eyes had dark rings beneath them. They were glassy and sunken into my bony face. I was told my skin was a sickly shade of pale. I weighed less than 100lbs because eating was not high on my priorities—or more accurately, feeding myself was less important than feeding my addiction.

When I “Came in” as they say, I was sat in a group of people who were no different from me. I never knew any of them. I never saw anyone in that room before. I never even knew people like Continue reading →

Pins –

There I was . . .  lost in a nod
I was lost in an imaginary field that stretched
beyond anything I could ever imagine.

(Or maybe I was just on B 15^th St.
and I was too far gone to notice.)

I was lost in a figurative field of tall grass,
swaying in the imagination of a summer wind,
and I sat down to feel the strength a warm,
smooth rush.

My mind collapsed into a gentle spiral
sinking in twists—swirling downward in a delicate cycle
and everything around me slowed down
to a magnificent crawl.

Outside was irrelevant.
But inside, my body (or church)
was wonderful and contaminated.

A light bulb swung, dangling from Continue reading →

Two men argued on a crowded eastbound train from New York City. They pointed and shouted at each other during the evening rush hour. They cursed and threatened each other. One of the two men spoke with so much anger that strings of spit flew from his mouth. The other man was equally as angry, but he screamed less spit.
The argument erupted very quickly in the cramped isle, which was overcrowded with standing Continue reading →