It was Saturday morning and the bright yellow sun gleamed down across the snow-covered field without an ounce of warmth to spare. The sky was perfectly blue and the sunlight’s glare was too bright. It was as though I had been indoors for way too long and my eyes could not adjust to sun’s glare.

“Better get down to the barn,” I was told. “Better move it too.”

I turned around to face the Continue reading →

The years have moved on into delicate wrinkles.
I know this because I’ve aged too.
I’ve grown older somehow, despite my best efforts
and I find myself curious about things I never considered . . .
Like what would have happened if you were caught instead of me? Continue reading →

Tiny bells chime in my ears and the world becomes soft.
The rush pulls me in and I am overrun
I am overtaken and swallowed into the warmth of beautiful lies

Outside . . . an ambulance keeps passing my window.
It’s the same one, I think,
and the whispers I hear have apparently arrived. Continue reading →

When I was a young boy, I used to ask God to make deals with me,
but the deals never worked out.
I used to talk to Him about this and I would ask God why.
But he never answered me.
When I asked an adult about this I was told, “God doesn’t work like that.”
Then I asked, “Then how does He work?”
The adult smiled, “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

That answer was not helpful.

For a long time I was the anti-god. I was against all religions, especially Continue reading →

It amazes me how one could get away from their madness and then return as if they never left.
This is what happens in a relapse.
As a recovering addict and alcoholic, I am aware of one truth above all else and that is I cannot and will not ever test the waters. And by testing the waters, I mean entertain the ideas of, “Maybe I can have just one,” or think that my years away from active addiction means I could probably, “Handle it.”

I have seen people go backwards and fall worse than Continue reading →

They called it a, “Suspended sentence,” conditional upon my behavior. This came from a judge in a courtroom, along with a two year order of protection, and a warning that should I attempt to approach, contact, or interfere with the lives of the youths that tried to impose against me and my home, I would be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

I was once a longhaired kid with loose shoelaces and a wise ass mouth. I hung around the corners of my neighborhood and found trouble the way sunlight finds the ground. I laughed too loud and screamed too often. I was wild, but yet, I was aware of when to lean in and when to hold back.
I knew when to speak out and when to quiet down because I understood the possibility of violent consequences.
Today’s youth has a similar Continue reading →

In the fun-time madness of youth and drugs, I decided to swallow two tabs instead of one. The weather was warming up and the classrooms were thinning out. At that point, many of the students I was friendly with were removed from my small school. As it was, the school was an alternative to the regular classroom experience.
The schoolhouse itself was once the upper levels of a barn. There were horse stables below the classrooms and a pasture to the south side. To the north was the wooded area where longhaired students ran off to kill their brain cells and make their eyes bloodshot and half-closed.

We were surrounded Continue reading →

1)

I sat on the corner of Front Street and Merrick Avenue. Behind me, the small 7/11 parking lot filled and emptied with cars of different customers that quickly moved in and out of the store.
Across the street, the old service station on the northeast corner was going through a modernization for its new owners.
On the southwest corner, the Waldbaum’s parking lot was busy. Fleet bank was closed, but the Continue reading →

I was asked, “Where were you 20 years ago today?”
I remember exactly where I was. I was 21 years-old and learning about life. I was learning about friendships and the difference between love and lust.
On this day 20 years ago, a famous sports figure fled from police in his white Ford Bronco. He was followed by helicopters, and several police cars. He was also followed by the media, and we the people at home, followed his case as well as his trial for murder in the first.

And where was I?
I was sitting in a friend’s house waiting to leave. At the time, I was reeling from my first true romantic break-up. I felt loveless and alone. I was watching the breaking news on television, and listening to my friend talk about money and his supposed connections to a better life.
I was listening to the sound of his wasted energy and watching the news report a chase between law and man. Continue reading →

Asked a friend how he was today.
He told me, “I’m good.”
Said, “I have 53 days,” and then he smiled the kind of smile that only comes with a sense of achievement.
By 53 days, he was referring to his time in sobriety.

To some, 53 days may not sound like much. But then I submit; try going 53 days without your everyday routine.
Try going 53 days without your cell phone or the comforts of technology.
Try going 53 days without your favorite foods, or your favorite television shows.
If you think 53 days is insignificant, then try to last that long without your usual crutches, or your everyday coping mechanisms.

My friend’s smile not only Continue reading →