I want to enter this here to break the tension a little bit. I want to enter this as means of some lightheartedness, to break up the stories and soften the emotions a little bit. Now, to be clear, I do not condone teenage nonsense and I do not promote substance use. However, please be advised, I was one of those kids too.
The following is a small detail about a time in my life just before I exited the public school system. While again, I do not condone or think this was cool – I want to emphasize that this is only a memory and not to be taken too seriously.

I know what I remember. I’m not sure what our parents remember or what their version of memories look like. However, I remember the homes where we’d go after school.
(Do you?)

And I get it . . .
It’s not so easy when you’re in the middle of it all. Everything around you is in turmoil and your thoughts are raging with the worst possibilities. The ideas of shame, exposure and catastrophe are imposing and the impending doom is unrelenting.
I can say that I’ve been through times like this. I can say that anxiety and me are on a first name basis.
In fact, I call this “Me!”
But I am here with news that although times can be hard and pain can be pretty painful; the one thing I know is that we all have the right, the ability and the freedom to change and improve.
Nothing can stop this unless we let it.
Unless we bow out or give up or unless we surrender our desire to win or challenge or endure and persevere, nothing can stop us.
Ever.

And suddenly . . .
I’m right back to a time when I was alive. It’s the smells. It’s the aromas from my City. It’s the taste of something from the boyhood chapters of my youth.
It’s the sound of cicadas chattering from the trees in the summertime and suddenly, I can remember when the wind moved through branches and shook the leaves. Just like that, I am reminiscent of long, lazy days when the sun was bright and the winds were warm.

Maybe I was never good at remembering my lessons at school. But the one thing that I was always good at was remembering the lines from my favorite movies. I remember the movies and the music. I remember the television shows and the sitcoms, the game shows and even The Gong Show. I remember Wonderama, Kids are people too, whackadoo, whackadoo, whackadoo . . .

Nothing will ever be like the family gatherings from when I was a kid.
Nothing will ever be like it was and I know this. But still, maybe there’s not supposed to be anything like this. Maybe this is what keeps our memories perfect and special.

I know that times were different. I know that there was this thing that happened in a pre-pandemic life where people actually gathered together and communicated on a face to face basis. There was a time when people actually talked and this wasn’t just through texts or emails. 
To me, I’m grateful to say that mine was a generation before technology blew up into what it is today.

I have news for you, which should not come as a shock at all, but still, this needs to be placed here as a reminder.
This is really nothing more than a simple fact.
Life will always keep moving. We know this.
But more than saying, “Hey, that’s just life.”
Right?
“That’s how life goes.”
Either way, I want to place this here, in trust with you, so that when the future eventually comes, perhaps you’ll understand more about us. Or if anything, maybe you’ll see me differently.

I turned 50 this year . . .
It’s not been the coolest thing ever. I’ve had to face some new medical challenges.
I’m on medication. I have to watch what I eat now.
I have to take my blood pressure.
I have to monitor my exercise and watch my stress levels which is funny to me because I have lived with stress and/or anxiety throughout my entire life. Only, age came along and pulled a trick or two. I’m not as young as I used to be.
I have to pay attention is what my doctor told me.
“You’re 50 now . . .”

The following is a personal service announcement. I know the usual catch phrase would be that this is a public service announcement. But this isn’t really public. No, this is certainly personal.
This is a moment of awakening and more, this is a pledge between us.
Just us. Just you and I.
No one else.

And so it goes, right?
The life we live, age, the things we do or say, and the people we meet and the things we love, the things that we see or the things we do are nothing more than elaborate patterns of time. And so it goes.
The seconds become minutes and minutes become hours.
And so it happens. We grow and we age.
Or how does that airline commercial go?
“You are now free to move about the country.”

And so it goes. Some move on. Some people fail to move at all. Some fail to launch and some never dare or try.
Either way, life is an elaborate pattern of times and events.
We look back in awe of how far we’ve come. Or, have we come far at all?
Look how many years have gone by.
Where have we been?
Have we moved from this spot?

I will advise you now that in light of recent news, this one might be a bit tough to get through.
I mean this both literally as well as personally. But at the same time, this might not be for everybody. This is for everybody and anybody who questioned themselves or wondered about their worth.
This is for the person who decided to go, rather than stay. But more, this is about a permanent decision over temporary ideas. Albeit dark and lonely; albeit hard and difficult to get up or get away; and albeit impossible to see an outcome that is brighter than your expectation; this is for you.
I can’t say why or how it is that I’m here now. By all accounts and in spite of my own efforts – perhaps I shouldn’t be.
Perhaps I should be a mark in a column of casualties, but I’m not.
I’m still here, at least somewhat . . . .