Forget the world for a moment. Forget the bills we have to pay.
Forget the taxes and the insurance, the rent, or the mortgage that’s due at the beginning of every month.
Forget the pile of things that weigh on your shoulders.
Forget about the bouts and the fights and the arguments and just for now, think about the one thing that makes you happy.

What is it?
What comes to mind?
I think this is a great question to ask.

I think that since this journal is designed to discover happiness, then it is important to go back to the very basic steps to either define or discover what the word happiness means.
To be happy or to be content, or satisfied. Or more, to have a presence of something that either withstands or endures beyond the circumstances around us.
To be happy; as in to be unmoved by sadness or undeterred by the harshness of our life’s situations and by this, we can feel and process and go through life without allowing instances or situations to imply emotions and dictate our best levels of “self.”

Music . . .
Safe to say that I have my own soundtrack that fits my life. Safe to say that yes, there are songs and various types of music which depicts or defines my best version of happiness.
And sure, not all tastes are the same. Not all music is the same and yes, I can say that I like different songs for different reasons. I like different music for different reasons too.
I like the way a song can come up out of nowhere and bring me back to a time long ago or forgotten yet a song comes on and just like that, I remember everything.

But more, I can say that I have a compilation of songs that remind me of good times and bad. I have songs that are bittersweet and some, well, some of the songs on my personal playlist are songs that help unlock the emotions to a time or a place.

There is something I missed in my life. Or, maybe this is something that I skipped or never touched or felt. And there is a phase that people live through or a period of time that everyone goes through; yet, this is a period of my life that seems blank, like a page that went missing from a story only I know the story. I know the chapters to this novel. I know that my history is there and I know why, where, and what happened from the good to the bad and the beautiful to the ugly.
Only, there is something missing. There is something that never happened or that I never experienced; in which case, there is a blank spot in my life to which even now, I am and have always been looking to fill this so-called emptiness or void – to provide depth and detail to a dream and remove a vacancy from my heart.

And I find myself climbing and looking to reach the top. I am moving and striving to find that place where I can say, yes, I made it!
I am working to find that spot or that pinnacle, that insurmountable or unsurpassable or grand plateau where all is green or summery, or perfect and at last, I have found that presence of self. I have reached the point of highest consciousness and behold, this is my best possible potential.

I suppose it makes sense to talk about this now.
I suppose if we are looking to find happiness or if we are looking to improve our smiles and find the simple things that boost our spirits, it pays to be aware of the items that steal our smiles or swipe our happiness.
There are thefts in this world that go far beyond the materialistic thefts. There is a theft of service which takes place more commonly than we think.
There’s a term that can be used for the biggest culprit of all.
And that’s a bully.  

I want to let go . . .
I want to shed that excess skin. Better yet, I want to get down to that thing we call our true self.
Know what I mean?
I want to rid myself of the layers that have formed over the years and as I remove each mask and let go of my shields and weapons of our so-called self-destruction, I want to remove the bricks in the wall. I want to rid myself of the walls around me; and so, as each brick is removed, I want to allow the grace of sunlight to pass through. I want the light to brighten my perspective. I want this to give sight to my incidental blindness and be free from the situational blurs that alter our vision. I want to let the light shine through, as if to dismantle the walls around me; as if to build bridges, not walls, and as if to deconstruct an old world that opens me up and allows new branches of sunlight to shine down and grace my skin.

I remember a scene in a movie where a homeless man told strangers, “Welcome to Hollywood. What’s your dream?”
I say that’s a fair question. What’s your dream?
What does it look like? Who’s in it?
And of course, what do you want to do with this?
Do you want to see this come true?
Do you watch this sometimes, like a movie in your head, and rather than live it, you watch your dreams go by on the movie screens behind the walls of your eyelids.
All you have to do is close your eyes . . . 

So, the question becomes, where do we go from here?
I like this question, although I admit this question comes with different angles. Admittedly, the idea of “where do we go from here” can often be big or so huge that we find ourselves intimidated or so worried that the idea of moving upwards or onwards is far too much to think about.

But still –
Where do we go from here?
If this is square one, or if this is the beginning and since we have to start from somewhere, and even if we are at a disadvantage or facing the world on an uphill slope, how do we find what it takes to take that first step?

It took me a while to find my sanity, which is not to say that I am sane, by any means. But yes,
I am a work in progress.
I am about to discuss a small part of my life. However, this is my past. This is my beast as well as a previous burden.
This is my life “before,” so-to-speak.
But this is not me (anymore).

I am so much more than this part of my past. I am more than a man who identifies as a person in long-term recovery. I am clean and yes,
I have stayed this way since April 1, 1991.