Why?
This will be my last entry in this journal. What better way to finish this journal than with a look back on the birth of our greatest freak outs and meltdowns and
think about why they happened.
In fairness, I do not always know why we freak out. But at the same time, if we think about this and look at this honestly, we know exactly why we freak out. We know why we run or why we hide or fail ourselves. It’s true . . .

When?
This is a great word. It’s a great question as well and a hopeful one at that.
Now that we are facing the close of this journal and since we have been talking about the rebirth of sanity, the question “when?” is an important one to ask. When is a pivotal word in a sense and a word that I have been on either side of for a very long time.
When?
At what time or at what point?

I asked a question yesterday.
If you remember, I asked “where are you?”
Today, I find myself asking another question
What are you doing?

What did you do?
What have you done?
In answer to any of the above, was any of this loyal to you? 

I am coming to a close here. But before I end this journal and move on to the next, Phase Seven will be my closing before I send it out deeper into the universe.
But before I go, I have a few questions.
Where are you now?
I don’t mean where you are, as in your location or what state, what county, or what town. No, I mean where are you really?
Where are you with any of this?
Where are you with life as you know it?
And yes, I can say that life is definitely a trip.
I can say that we’re all on a journey and that without any question, the scenery is everything.

As I find myself on the verge of a new chapter, I can see the choices of my past which have left me with some unresolved tensions. I can also see how this has left me with a sense of incompleteness. This is a strange feeling to say the least. It’s surreal too, as if to be one of those moments when everything is happening at a thousand miles an hour yet there’s something so absolutely still at the same time.  I can compare this to falling in slow-motion, which is not in slow-motion at all because (of course) you know that you’re falling; but at the same time, there’s this weird presence of mind that takes place, as if to say, “Holy shit! This is really happening.”

Last night, I drove home after a long day of working alone. I was somewhat isolated and somewhat segregated away from the rest of the world, which is hardly the way anyone should have to spend their Sunday.
I was thinking about the words, “Unfinished business.”

For the record, I do not like the words, “Motivational Speaker.”
I don’t like to associate myself with this because, to me, I think this is more about ego.
I don’t mind being called a speaker. I don’t mind the presentations; although no one believes me, but to be clear on this, I am absolutely petrified before I speak. I have panic attacks. I’ve had my share of vomiting fits before entering a room.
I say this to people but no one believes me. I have social and general anxiety disorder. I have a fear of public speaking. I’m afraid that I look or sound stupid or idiotic. But that being said . . .

I have been thinking about how big things may seem yet, in the grand scheme of it all, our life is so small. But we make it a “big deal” because, to us, the moment is too huge to see our way around it.
I get that. And I’m sure that you do too.
But life is filled with tips and lessons. I swear, this is true.

I’m not so sure if this is more for me or for you. I suppose it’s safe to say that yes, this is for both of us. Or, maybe this is just to satisfy a thought and a need which I have at this moment. But either way, something I appreciate most in life is humility and the humbleness which takes place here, between you and I.
I had just finished mentioning that life cannot exist in a vacuum; yet life does exist in a vacuum.
As in, our vacuum.
So in case you’ve missed my intentions, please allow me to be clear. I want this journal to be personal. Otherwise, these words are meaningless, at least I think so.
I want this to be something that reaches out and causes you to think or if anything at all, I hope this allows you a moment to contemplate the life we live and the next chapter ahead of us. Because if you ask me – it’s going to be a great one.

Life cannot exist in a vacuum, at least this is what we’ve been told. However, I can say that I have lived in a vacuum for a very long time.
I can say that I have seen people live in their own vacuum of a world, either caught or stuck, and unable to switch or break free or move out from their place of existence.
I have seen people wither to their own belief system and somehow become void in their own mind because instead of rising up or daring to make a run for it; instead, I have watched a good generation of people give up and slip into their own invalidness. I have seen people submit and surrender to a mental infection of lies and misperceptions.

In the beginning of this journal, I referred to this as the rebirth of sanity which, hopefully, the details in this journal allow for a means to understand the reasons behind our freak-outs or meltdowns.
This is to understand why they occur and where the come from. Also, this is as much a part of our journey as it is a part of our personal recovery.