I am better now.
I fell before. And it was hard to get up.
I saw the world around me and looked at everyone with envy.
Sometimes, I looked around and saw people with contempt or disgust.

I questioned everything. I questioned myself.
I overthought and overanalyzed.
I picked apart the pieces of my so-called life.
I fell down. I cursed the sky.
I thought that this was me.
“Is it just me?”
If so . . .
Why?

I don’t know what beauty looks like to someone else.
And I don’t know what the word beautiful means to you.
I don’t know what you see or as I have said before, I have no idea what the color red looks like through your eyes.

I know that we are all taught about color or what color looks like. We have all been taught about the colors of the rainbow, as in red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet.
I remember when this was broken down to an acronym in grade school.
We were told to see the colors of the rainbow as our friendly person in the sky named, Roy G Biv.
Remember?

I suppose I should compose myself and start here with a thought that was intended for you. Then again, this is for you and only you.
I believe everything I write is for you and for me as well.
There is no one else in the world.
No one . . .

You know this, right?
Who else is there?
I see no one else, except for the distractions called, people, places and things.
Of course, there is always the past, which gets in the way of our future sometimes.
But that can be a thing of the past.
if we allow it to be.

Before I go forward, I offer this as a disclaimer.
The following statements are true. They are not all that defines me. However, in the case of stopping or when it comes to dropping the unwanted features of my life, and in my plea to let them go, I have to be clear.
I have to be honest. I have to be thorough and unwavering to the point where my honesty might seem brutal. In the same breath, I exhale with all I that have. I breathe in again and then I exhale once more and continue because if this is what it takes, then this is what it takes.
As for the next part, well?
So be it –

Live like there is no tomorrow.
I have heard this saying many times throughout my life.
I am hearing it again. Except, I am hearing this differently for the very first time.
Just live.
Just do it.
Go. Or live like your life depends upon it.
Live like there is no tomorrow and like our life depends on this because, in all fairness, your life does depend on it.

There is no more time to live and worry. There is no more time to exist and not live life to its fullest.
“Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.”
This was a line my Mother used to type when she was warming up her typing skills.

I am unsure if I am a good man or not.
However, now is the time for me to come to the aid of my life and to not only live accordingly, but I have to live to the best of my ability. Otherwise, what’s the point?

I cannot say that I know much. I am not sure why life happens the way it does nor can I explain how good things happen to bad people or bad things happen to the good ones.
I wish I knew you more.
Or better, I wish I was able to share more of myself with you.
I am simple. I have worries and fears, the same as anyone else does. I can be kind and thoughtful. I can be generous. I can also be the opposite of all these things.

I chose to begin this journal to recognize that the following is true.
Sometimes, we have to stop, drop, and let go.

There comes a time when fights make no sense. Battles do more harm and the riots have all lost their reason. I swear, this is true.
I have come to surrender, I say.
But first, let me appeal to you.

There has to come a time when we realize that it is safe to lay down our weapons. Or if at all, there must come a time when we realize that our enemies were mostly imaginary.
If they existed, we come to find that our enemies existed more in our head than they did in real life.

Imagine the peace if we only walked away.
Could you?

There are some famous suggestions that I am reminded of. These suggestions are very basic and common. But moreover, they are simple and true. At the same time, I have never been someone who likes cliches. I am not one for positive affirmation quotes, yet I understand them, and I understand their meaning or the need for quotes like this.

I have dreams. I have hopes and I have the need for adventures, which I have not taken yet.
And I have to stress the word “yet” as if to advise the both of us that my best has yet to come.
I want to see new things.
I want to go to places I have only seen in pictures. I want to feel the way I do in my dreams when I see these things.

For example, there is a little place not too far from Albuquerque, New Mexico. I knew about this place for years. And there is a little church known as El Santuario de Chimayo or The Sanctuary of Chimayo that is said to have healing dirt.
This place is said to have healing powers.
So?
Why not look to heal myself?

Age 33:
I was on my own. In fact, I was on my own for what seemed like the first time. There was no one to tell me what to do or when to wash the dishes. I was new to the idea of divorce. I was new to being alone and not living with anyone. And this was the biggest thing of all.
I had never lived alone.
There was always someone around, and whether this was good or bad, at least there was always someone there. I was never alone before.
But I was about to be.