I don’t know when or why. And I might not understand how things happen or when the switch takes place. All I know is I am not the same as I was.
I know that I do not see things the same way nor do I feel the same as I did.

I have aged. I have grown. I have moved ahead or I have moved on in some regards and, yes, I have regressed at times. I have gone back to older ways of thinking; only to see that I have outgrown who I was. And more, I have learned that who I was might not have been me in the first place, which is odd to say because who else can I be?
How can anybody be anyone except for themselves?

I want to come home. But first, I have to define what my home is.
I want to feel that feeling as if I have arrived, as if my trip has been so long and tiresome yet, as soon as I hit the door; I instantly forget the pains and strains of my uphill climbs. I can forget about all the infinitely evasive ideas that seem too unfair or too distant, and each time I reach, my goals and my dreams and the object of my love and desire moves to an extent that is just beyond my fingertips.
I can see. I can almost feel.
I just can’t touch.

Today is my day to shut off the world. I put on some music and then I start the process of what I’ll cook for the week.
I do this for more reasons than to feed myself. In fact, I see this as life saving.

I suppose I do this to keep sane or to forget what’s happening. I do this to lose myself in something helpful and nurturing, which means that I allow myself to replace thoughts with action.
And be advised . . .
I start from scratch.

However, and in all fairness, and to be upfront and transparent, I am not a chef.
Not by any means.

It is dawn, early, and yes, I find myself at dawning times.
This is all new as can be, like a fresh breath as I approach uncharted times and the unknown future is about to be reborn, at least in some respects.
This is nothing new or so different. I have not changed so drastically nor has anyone else around me.
No, I have not changed nor improved or reverted back to an old or previously defaulted setting.

I have not regressed or advanced, but more — I have come to an awakening, or perhaps a moment of clarity.

I keep these notes here to keep my sanity. Sometimes, I keep them to remind me of who I was or who I am. Other times, I remind myself that this is all live and on stage. This is a process and this life, unfolding. I keep them to keep my heart intact and to let my soul know that I have not forgotten the light inside of me, and that despite the quarrels or the fights and disagreements, and despite the insults about me or my character or the way I am, the truth is I’m not so bad.
I’m learning.

But . . .
If I only knew then what I know now.

Afternoon, and the sky takes on the last dance before sunset. The colors from the horizon begin to glow with an orange grace, peaceful and gentle, as if it could only be during the quiet reprieve of a Sunday evening.
The hues of golden lights beam down from the sky across the landscape and I am calm. I am like a child in a grown man’s body, excited, turned on by the view of something so beautiful and extraordinary that I am assured, that yes, there are such things as heaven on earth.

I find myself at the edge of land as it borders the coast and, of course, I love it here. I love it where the land meets the sea.
I love the feeling I get at sunset when the day ends and there I am, looking outward, and watching the pleasure boats that return from the sea.

What do you say to someone who saw everything? Yet they were never there. But somehow, they knew, or they saw without seeing, and more, how does the Universe know to cross our paths or how to keep us together, even if we are too stupid to follow the light?
How do people like this exist?
And somehow, they know. They know everything by instinct or perhaps by some kind of divine light, or if their soul is kindred or intended, or if time refuses to cease or desist and the overlapping connection proves to keep a connection that is unbreakable, what do you say as a witness who never saw, but yet, somehow—you just know that the stars want more for us, and still; I wonder what do you say when life turns crazy?
How do you let someone in or let them know who they are or how they make you feel?

And then?
One day became two and two became four. And the more I moved, the farther I was from what happened and what took place. I have been here before, at the base of my own rebuilding or reconstruction.
No one asks to have to go back to the beginning.
But no one realizes that life is always subject to change.
This is true.
However, time can be a friend as well as an enemy. Time can linger and drag and time can leave us to the solitary isolation of overthinking our way into depressive ideas or worse, time can tick away and we can do nothing except become a prisoner to our thoughts.

The world has a way of putting us where we are supposed to be. I really believe this. Or, at least I want to.
I know this has to be the case.
Otherwise, the randomness of meeting someone would be nothing else, but happenstance, and in the case of fate and destiny, I choose to believe that there is no such thing as happenstance because deep down, I believe that everything happens for a reason.

i think we go and we stay or we turn around and open our eyes, because time unfolds and life has a way of making us aware that this is, or is not, what we want our life to be.
And me?
I want more.

There are times, like now, when all I can do is let go of the tasks and the thoughts. All I can do is unwind or surrender; and more to the point, sometimes, I can redefine my sanity by unleashing my thoughts in a form of streaming consciousness.
Then again, sometimes, we have to go crazy, just to realize that we are not crazy at all.

We are simply part of something bigger, like fate, which has both a purpose and ends that justify the means. Or, so I hope.