I can’t say that I know for sure about what’s out there.
I don’t know if there’s an Old Man in the sky with a long gray beard or if there is a loving mother, as in Mother Earth, or as it is depicted in pictures, the Loving Mother, as in Hail Mary (full of grace, the Lord is with Thee) and I am unsure what I think about who has the rights to reserve which god is right or wrong.
I do believe, though.
I’m not sure why or what I believe in. I’m not sure if I believe because I like the idea of being absolved or heard while at prayer. Perhaps, maybe I believe because the opposite of belief is too grim for me to consider.
Random, Aimless and Unplanned – Opening Scene
This has become something that I have to do. Writing, I mean.
This is my daily choice. I have to start here because the alternative seems unlikable to me.
My ideas to write are as important to me as breathing or eating and drinking.
This is how I live. This is how I survive.
This is nothing that I take lightly and, of course, by now, and with all the years that I have put into this trick, I realize that I cannot give in or stop.
I cannot give up because of an illusion of success or the lack thereof.
None of that is real anyway. Besides, success is always relative.
Isn’t it?
The Book of When? – Last One
Today is a good day. I know it is.
Today stands for something. This means something to which I understand if the meaning is not the same to you as it is for me. But regardless of what this day means to you or to anyone else, still, I know that today is a good day.
It has to be.
Continue readingThe Book of When? – Chapter Thirty Four
Fear. . .
I think that this is a good topic to discuss before I close this journal and move on to the next.
Fear.
I know that fear is an excellent motivator. Fear can make us run. Fear can make move or hide or, at some point, fear can drive us to the understanding that no matter what, I never want to be afraid again.
I never want to give in. I never want to be used or humiliated.
I never want to feel weak or that vulnerable again and I never want to be that susceptible to anyone or anything.
The Book of When – Chapter Thirty Three
I remember when there was a time when it was good to be wild.
Do you?
I remember a time when it was fine to risk everything and not care about what came next. And I swear, a World War could’ve taken place and I might not have noticed.
A storm could have passed, a hurricane, tornado, and even an earthquake, and all could have gone on simultaneously and I wouldn’t have noticed.
The Book of When? – Chapter Thirty Two
Are you ready for a little dose of honesty?
I am sending this out with hopes to open the lines of communication or, better yet, I am offering this as a means to humanize the fact that, yes, it’s okay to not be okay. Above all things, I want to normalize the fact that sometimes, we fall apart.
So, as a means to offer this in a more humble and vulnerable tone, please understand that I expose the following knowing that this puts me in a humble light. But this also makes me human.
And to err is human. And so is to freak out, or “lose your shit!” so they say.
It’s a normal thing.
The Book of When? – Chapter Thirty One
This one will be quick. But, I can’t promise that this won’t be sappy.
So . . .
I suppose there is no way to soften the edges or keep the world from its trips and falls. And no, there is no way to avoid real life and no way to stop real life from happening.
We can plan ahead. We can make good decisions.
We can do our best, absolutely.
But, as a friend of mine used to tell me, “We are in the effort business. Not the result business.”
The Book of When? – Chapter Thirty
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Right?
I know I go back to Newton when I think about how he said an item in motion remains in motion and an item at rest, remains at rest, unless altered by an outside source. While I know that I paraphrase, only slightly, I think about life and the way things are.
Are we an item? Perhaps.
Are we in motion or at rest?
I suppose this depends.
The Book of When? – Chapter Twenty Nine
There is no point in denying the truth. There’s no reason to deny the inevitable and there is no reason to quit or surrender, at least not now.
I agree when you say life can be hard. I agree when I hear people say that life can be unfair.
And I agree when people shake their heads and maybe they spit or curse, and I understand the feelings that come with loss, or the loss you find when you work so hard for something to happen, but in the end, the outcome was not what we hoped for.
The Book of When? – Chapter Twenty Eight
I assume that no matter what I say or regardless of what I might try to explain, or no matter how hard I try to express my feelings or to convey them to you in the simplest way possible, and regardless of how I might feel remorse or if I am sad or mournful, or if I am regretful, or if I am thankful, if I am happy and overjoyed or confused and off put by the way I see my life—the bottom line is I don’t know what the color blue looks like to you. I don’t know what the different version of colors look like from your eyes. I don’t know what heat feels like on your skin and I cannot begin to know how your senses differentiate between something pleasing or pleasurable, to something that is unsightly or pained and uncomfortable.
Continue reading
The Written Addiction 